11 phrases you don’t realize are actually quite passive-aggressive

Ever have a chat with someone and they say something that makes you feel, well… odd? You can’t pinpoint why, but it just feels off.

Could be they’ve tossed a passive-aggressive comment your way. And get this – you might be doing the same thing without even knowing it!

Here are 11 phrases that seem innocent, but they’re actually coated with a layer of passive-aggressiveness.

1. “Fine, whatever.”

We’ve all heard this one before, right?

On the surface, it might seem like the person is agreeing with you or giving you permission to do something.

But don’t let that fool you! This phrase is often used when someone disagrees with what you’re saying or doing but doesn’t want to argue about it.

So, they’ll go along with it… but not happily.

If you find yourself saying “fine, whatever,” try to communicate your true feelings more directly. It’s better for everyone involved!

2. “No offense, but…”

This phrase is a classic! It’s often used as a way to soften the blow of an upcoming critique or insult.

The problem is, it doesn’t really work. Starting a sentence with “no offense, but…” usually means you’re about to say something offensive.

If you catch yourself using this phrase, consider taking a moment to rephrase your comment in a more thoughtful and constructive way.

3. “I’m not mad.”

Ah, a personal favorite! Not because I like it, but because it’s so common. “I’m not mad” usually comes out when, well… I’m actually mad.

Here’s an example: once, my roommate forgot to do the dishes for the third time in a week. I said, “I’m not mad, but you forgot the dishes again.” But let’s be real—I was mad.

This phrase is a classic sign of hidden anger and frustration. It’s much more productive to say, “I feel upset because…” and then express your feelings honestly. Trust me, it makes a huge difference!

4. “I thought you knew.”

This is a classic passive-aggressive phrase often used to place blame on someone else.

It suggests that the person should have known something, even if there’s no reason why they would.

People who frequently use phrases like “I thought you knew” are more likely to have an avoidant attachment style. This means they might struggle with open communication and prefer to hint at their feelings rather than express them directly.

So, if you catch yourself saying this, try to be more open about your expectations and thoughts. It can really help to clear the air. 

5. “If you really want to.”

This phrase might seem accommodating at first, right?

But it’s often laced with a form of emotional manipulation. “If you really want to” can imply that the other person’s choice or desire is somehow burdensome or wrong.

On a more heartfelt note, it’s crucial to remember that everyone has the right to their own desires and choices.

We should strive to express our feelings honestly and respectfully, without making others feel guilty for their preferences.

If you’re not okay with something, it’s better to say so directly, rather than hiding behind passive-aggressive phrases.

Communication is key in building and maintaining meaningful relationships, after all.

6. “It’s up to you.”

This one hits close to home for me. “It’s up to you” can often be a way of avoiding responsibility or expressing disapproval without being direct about it.

I remember when a friend asked me whether they should take a new job offer or not. I said, “It’s up to you,” but what I really meant was, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

What I’ve learned from experiences like this is that it’s better to be upfront about my thoughts and feelings.

So, instead of saying “It’s up to you,” I now try to voice my opinion in a supportive and honest way, like, “I’m concerned about the long hours you might have to work.”

It shows that I care and gives the other person a clearer understanding of my perspective.

7. “Don’t worry about it.”

This phrase is a tricky one. It can sound like you’re letting someone off the hook, right? But often, “don’t worry about it” is coated with a layer of resentment.

It’s like saying, “You’ve upset me, but I’ll deal with it myself because I can’t rely on you.”

We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt let down or hurt and struggled to communicate that directly.

But using phrases like “don’t worry about it” only breeds more misunderstanding and resentment.

It’s tough, no doubt, but being open about our feelings can lead to better relationships and less inner turmoil.

When you’re tempted to say “don’t worry about it,” consider saying, “I was hurt when…” instead. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. 

8. “I’m just joking.”

This phrase can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing! It’s often used to cover up a hurtful comment or criticism.

You say something that stings, then quickly add, “I’m just joking” to make it seem light-hearted.

People who frequently use sarcasm or “jokes” to express negative feelings may be more likely to struggle with empathy and social relationships.

So, if you find yourself saying “I’m just joking” a lot, it might be worth considering whether your humor is actually masking deeper feelings that need to be addressed.

Remember, it’s okay to express your feelings directly—you don’t always need a joke to soften the blow.

9. “Whatever you say.”

Oh boy, have I used this one before! “Whatever you say” is often a polite way of saying, “I completely disagree with you, but I don’t want to argue about it.”

I remember using it during a heated discussion with a friend about a movie we just watched.

Instead of explaining why I didn’t agree with his point of view, I just ended the conversation with a dismissive “whatever you say.”

Looking back, I realize that this wasn’t the best way to handle the situation.

It’s important to respect other people’s perspectives, even when we disagree.

And if we’re feeling too heated to have a productive conversation, it’s okay to take a break and revisit the topic later.

It’s all part of learning how to communicate in a mature and respectful way.

10. “If that’s what you think.”

This phrase, “If that’s what you think,” is a subtle way of saying, “You’re wrong, but I’m not going to argue with you.”

It’s a declaration of disbelief in someone’s opinion, hidden behind a veil of supposed acceptance.

Let’s be raw and honest here. It’s okay to disagree with someone. It’s okay to have a different opinion.

But let’s communicate that honestly and respectfully.

Instead of dismissing the other person’s perspective, try saying something like, “I see where you’re coming from, but I have a different perspective.”

11. “Not to bother you but…”

This one is a real doozy. “Not to bother you but…” is often used when we want something from someone but we don’t want to seem demanding or needy. So we preface our request with this phrase as if to soften the blow.

But let’s be real here: it’s okay to need help. It’s okay to ask for what we want or need.

We don’t always have to tiptoe around our requests. Let’s try being more direct and assertive in our communication, like saying, “Could you please help me with this?”

You might be surprised at how well people respond to honesty and directness.