10 damaging mistakes men make in relationships when they lack self-esteem

Try to imagine an insecure man.

Did you just think of someone timid and spineless? Someone who’s too nice for his own good?

Well, you’d be surprised that a lot of the things insecure men do are anything but nice or timid.

And some of them are in fact very destructive to their relationships!

If you think you’re an insecure man or if you think you’re with one, read up.

Here are 10 mistakes insecure men make (and why they’re damaging to their relationships).

1) Keeping up a facade

I once had a very insecure ex…but he did not look like it at all. 

The way he acted convinced me—for a while at least—that he’s actually extremely confident and self-assured.

What made it obvious for me that he has self-esteem issues was the fact that he simply couldn’t be honest with me. He seemed a little fake…like he’s always hiding something.

I’m a highly sensitive person, and I can sense every time he’s not being genuine. I could tell that he was lying not just to the people around him, but also to himself.

For example, he bragged at first when I asked him about his salary or his job. But he later revealed to me that he’s actually ashamed about how little he makes.

How this affects the relationship:

You can never have a genuine relationship when someone’s just performing—when they’re not being their authentic self.

It’s also a matter of trust.

All relationships are built on trust, and if he doesn’t trust you enough to abandon his facade around you, then there isn’t enough trust in your relationship for it to survive.

2) Holding sexist views

Insecure men see vulnerability as a flaw. And it’s not just that they want to look confident, they also want to feel confident.

Imagine a man with an incredibly poor self-image—maybe once upon a time, he got rejected by his crush and laughed at for being “weak.”

Then some toxic “alpha male” might have taught him that he should be tough and that women have no right to question men like him!

So when his girlfriend questions his (obviously unwise) decisions, he’ll snap.

You’ll hear him say things like “Can’t you see I’m the man here?!” or “Why can’t you just respect me?”

How this affects the relationship:

First and foremost, no one wants to be treated like they’re inferior in any way just because they’re a girl. 

Aside from that, they’re creating a dynamic that leaves both of them merely playing roles instead of creating a more authentic relationship as equals.

And at the end of the day, he’s still playing a game of pretend—one that demands he constantly degrades his partner to maintain his imagined superiority.

3) Having a need to always be “respected” (aka in control)

This is related to the point above.

Insecure men are incredibly protective of their perceived “authority”, and are always on edge over every perceived “disrespect” their partners give them.

If their partner moved their things to another room without consulting them, they’d freak out and go “Don’t you have any respect for me?”

And when their partner goes out with their friends without asking “permission” first, they’ll get pissed and yell at them when they come home.

What they really mean when they say “respect” is to be treated like God.

How this affects the relationship:

Love quickly withers away with men who demand “respect”, and it does not take long for that love to be replaced by fear and resentment.

And nobody wants to be in a relationship that’s being kept together by nothing but fear.

4) Putting their partner on a pedestal

Men with low self-esteem will feel incredibly lucky that someone loved them…that someone even paid attention!

That’s because they believe deep down inside that they don’t deserve any of that. Because of this, they put their partners on a pedestal.

They kiss the ground they walk on, they sing them praises, they treat them like they could never do anything wrong. And as sweet as this sounds, it simply isn’t healthy for the long-term survival of their relationship.

How this affects the relationship:

See, when a man puts his partner on a pedestal, he’s doing two very bad things at once.

First is that he’s setting up expectations that she’ll feel like she needs to live up to.

Second is that he’s blinding himself to her (often obvious) flaws.

5) Making their relationship become their entire personality

People with self-esteem issues tend to cling to their partners.

Their relationship is all they can think about and talk about. They eat and breathe it, and they program their life around it. In other words, they become obsessed.

They start to lose their identity and are now just their partner’s boyfriend.

How this affects the relationship:

You might wonder “What’s so damaging about that?!”

After all, isn’t it a good thing to be devoted to one’s own partner?

Well, the problem is that this creates a suffocating environment for their partner.  And for a long-term partnership to flourish, each one of you has to grow separately so you have something to put in the relationship.

6) Becoming jealous way too easily

Insecure men can’t bear the possibility of their partner ever being attracted to someone else.

It doesn’t matter to them that their partner had chosen to stay with them. There’s this lingering fear that their partner doesn’t actually like them that much.

So when their partner talks to another guy, they’d get very paranoid. They’d bug their partner with questions.

“Who is that guy?” 

“What did you talk about?”

“Did he try to flirt with you?”

And sometimes, they won’t even bother to ask questions. The very fact that their partner had interacted with a potential “threat” is enough for them to lash out!

How this affects the relationship:

The problem here is that not only are they telling their girl that they don’t trust her, but they’re also making their insecurities her burden to bear.

This is a dangerous arrangement for women to be in. 

Seriously. Being with a jealous and controlling partner puts women at risk of being murdered!

And most women want nothing to do with guys like that.

7) Monitoring their partner’s every move

An insecure man feels like he owns his partner.

So he feels justified when he violates his partner’s privacy and monitors her every move. He’d stalk his partner’s social media and ask for updates every time she’s out with her friends.

And he’d even demand to have a “say” in her everyday decisions like what clothes she wears to work or where she goes for vacation.

How this affects the relationship:

This gets exhausting quickly. 

Their partner will feel suffocated and would want to flee because they want a partner, not an overbearing master that would tie them on a leash.

8) Having a constant need for validation

We all want to be reminded that we’re awesome and that we’re loved. This is totally normal, and isn’t a sign of insecurity.

But something’s definitely wrong when a man starts acting like their partner is obligated to validate him.

An insecure man will get hurt if you won’t go out of your way to praise his cooking skills, his looks, and even his ability to make you feel good in bed.

He’d feel like you’re deliberately making him feel useless for not acknowledging his efforts.

This isn’t the case, of course, but an insecure man needs validation like air and water.

How this affects the relationship:

It doesn’t matter how much you praise them, because it’s never going to stick anyways.

They’ll hold that compliment for a moment or two, and then immediately let it go. And then they’d go looking for validation in all the wrong places.

Sometimes, they might even go as far as cheating if they can’t get the validation they need from their partner.

9) Inability to handle criticism

Insecure men want to always be right. And not just right, they want to be the best and the greatest, too.

That’s why they take any criticism—even those said in the kindest way possible—as personal attacks.

When their partner says “Babe, I think this bike is nice, but you just bought a hoverboard last week. Are you sure you really need this?”, they’d lash out.

They’d take it as their partner thinking they’re stupid or that they don’t know what they’re doing.

How this affects the relationship:

Criticism is a very normal part of every relationship. In fact, it’s necessary for a relationship (and the people in it) to grow.

If the man is so insecure that you can’t express your honest opinions, the relationship will stagnate and even decay.

10) Questioning their partner’s love

They might be the smartest, richest, and most successful…and yet, none of those things matter if someone has self-esteem issues.

That’s because an insecure man will always feel unworthy.

When his partner showers him with love, he gets suspicious.  When he thinks his partner is pulling away, he gets anxious.

He would also regularly ask questions like “Do you still feel the same way about me?” and “What if you’ll find someone better?”

Love isn’t something that you can prove or perform for another person. It’s this quiet intangible thing that can only be felt.

You must trust that someone is being truthful when they say “I love you.”

You must trust that they still love you even if they’re busy and distracted.

How this affects the relationship:

Whenever a man questions his partner’s love, what they’re actually saying is “Whatever you say, I don’t trust you.”

And if you’ve ever experienced not being trusted by the people you love, you know how awful that feels.

Last words

If you’re in a relationship with the exact kind of person I described in this article, I sympathize with you.

Be extra patient and try to guide him to become better. But you have to know that it could take a long time because you can’t fix self-esteem with just a snap of a finger.

On the other hand, if you feel like all of these signs describe YOU in any way, then you must work on yourself before you cause damage to your relationships.

It can be done. 

First, you have to stop blaming yourself because having low self-esteem isn’t your fault! It could be due to having critical parents, experiencing trauma, or even poor treatment from a partner. 

Next, reach out to a therapist. It’s the fastest, most effective way to improve your self-esteem.