9 definite signs you grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent

There’s no course in school that prepares you for the emotional roller coaster of growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent.

Yes, we’re taught about the stages of human development, the theory of attachment, and perhaps we even delve into a few psychological theories from renowned scholars.

But when it comes to the real-world application, we’re often left figuring out a jumble of emotions on our own.

The result? A series of repeated patterns, confusion, and self-doubt that extends well into our adult lives.

While these patterns are rarely discussed in mainstream self-help books due to their complex nature, they are crucial for personal growth and healing.

Here are 9 definitive signs that you grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent. Hopefully, they’ll help you spot some patterns in your own life that need to change. 

1) Difficulty in expressing emotions

Those who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents often struggle with expressing their feelings.

Why? Simply because they were never taught how. In their childhood homes, emotions may have been disregarded, belittled, or even punished.

As a result, they learn to associate negative consequences with emotional expression. They might perceive their emotions as threats rather than natural human responses.

Consequently, they prefer to keep their feelings bottled up—not necessarily because they don’t want to express them, but because they’re scared that doing so could have unpleasant repercussions.

Plus, suppressing emotions also serves as a protective measure for them. It becomes a wall they put up around them. 

The thinking goes like this: If you don’t express yourself, you won’t get hurt. 

It’s a learned behavior that helps them navigate their relationships without exposing themselves to emotional vulnerability.

The problem is, this emotional suppression can lead to many issues including stress, anxiety, and difficulties in forming meaningful connections with others (more on this later).

This may sound familiar to you. The good news is, recognizing this pattern is the first step towards healing. 

By acknowledging that you have a hard time expressing your emotions, you can take proactive measures to unlearn this harmful habit and cultivate healthier emotional habits.

2) Struggling with vulnerability

If you grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent, vulnerability can be a real issue for you. 

That’s not surprising, given how, from a young age, you’ve been conditioned to keep a safe emotional distance. 

Your parents may have been physically present, but their lack of emotional availability created an invisible barrier that made you feel isolated.

So as an adult, how does this early exposure to emotional distance manifest in your relationships?

Simple – as an instinctive need to maintain emotional barriers.

So it’s hard, sometimes excruciatingly so, to be vulnerable with other people. 

Your early experiences likely showed you that being vulnerable often leads to rejection or dismissal. 

And that’s enough to get you wary about exposing your emotional underbelly to others. It’s easier to put on a mask and pretend to be strong and composed than to reveal the real you. 

Unfortunately, that affects the way you connect with others, as the next section shows… 

3) Difficulty in forming deep connections

Sadly, given that struggle with opening up, it can be challenging to form deep, meaningful relationships.

You might find yourself pushing others away or creating unnecessary conflicts to avoid emotional intimacy.

The funny thing is that others would think that you don’t desire deep connections, but you do. You truly do. 

You crave emotional closeness like anyone else, but at the same time, you’re terrified of it. This internal conflict can lead to a cycle of sabotaging potential and existing relationships.

As dire as that sounds, this pattern isn’t irreversible. With time, therapy, and patience, it is possible to unlearn these behaviors and embrace emotional intimacy.

4) Discomfort with emotional closeness

Speaking of emotional intimacy, that’s a really uncomfortable idea for folks raised by emotionally unavailable parents. 

It totally makes sense when you consider how their early experiences taught them this: emotional intimacy is unpredictable and unsafe. 

As such, they may find themselves avoiding or sabotaging situations that require emotional closeness, even in their adult relationships.

How does this discomfort show up in adult life?

• Restlessness in stable relationships
• Constant pursuit of unattainable partners
• Inability to fully commit to a relationship
• A yearning for closeness yet a feeling of suffocation when it’s offered

5) Constant self-doubt

Another issue people raised by emotionally unavailable parents need to unlearn is self-doubt.

As adults, this would show up as indecisiveness or constant second-guessing of their own judgments and decisions. They may find it challenging to trust their instincts and often rely on others to make choices for them. 

How did they get that way? 

Well, think about it – when you’re in an environment where your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are always invalidated or dismissed, it messes with your self-perception. 

You quickly internalize the belief that whatever you think or say aren’t reliable or important. 

This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of uncertainty. Once again, self-awareness is key here. 

Once you realize how your upbringing contributed to this, you can unpack all of that and start cultivating self-confidence and learn how to trust your judgment. 

6) Hyper-awareness of others’ emotions

Are you acutely aware of how other people feel? Do you seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to others’ emotions? 

That could very well be a sign that you were raised by an emotionally unavailable parent. 

See, since your parent’s emotional availability was inconsistent, you learned to closely monitor their moods so you could predict their emotional state.  

And then adjust your behavior according to that. 

This hyper-vigilance was a survival mechanism in your childhood, a way to bring order in a disorderly and unpredictable home. 

As an adult, this trait may cause you to be overly accommodating or people-pleasing, often at the expense of your own needs and boundaries. 

You might find yourself constantly adjusting your behavior to keep others comfortable while neglecting your own emotional well-being.

While this empathetic ability can be a strength in understanding and connecting with others, you also need to learn how to balance it with self-care. 

7) Fear of abandonment

Being with an emotionally unavailable parent is rather unpredictable, as we’ve discussed earlier. Emotional support could be withdrawn at any moment – it’s pretty sporadic. 

So where does that leave you? Feeling insecure and afraid of abandonment. 

You might see these fears today through certain traits in relationships like anxiety, clinginess, or counterintuitively, pushing people away before they get a chance to leave. 

Or you may constantly seek validation or reassurance from your partners or friends, often to the point of exhaustion.

8) Seeking validation from others

Growing up, your accomplishments, feelings, and needs may have been overlooked or dismissed. That’s how emotionally available parents behave – they’re not very interested in what their children do or feel.

This lack of validation can lead to a lifelong search for approval and acceptance from others.

Thus, you have this need to continuously strive to meet impossible standards or overachieve in an attempt to feel worthy. 

Which, if you ask me, isn’t a sustainable way to live. It can only lead to burnout and affect your mental health negatively. 

I suggest knowing how and when to ask for help, even though I know that this is yet another struggle…

9) Difficulty asking for help

Why ask when you’d just be dismissed or treated with indifference? 

That’s what childhood with an emotionally unavailable parent looks like. 

If you’ve experienced that, then you’ve probably learned to rely solely on yourself and view seeking help as a sign of weakness or an imposition on others.

And you probably notice that you’ve carried this pattern all throughout your life, being so self-reliant, sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice. 

Enduring a hardship seems, well, easier to endure than to reach out and ask for help. 

Bottom line: It’s about growth and healing

Children of emotionally unavailable parents tend to view love as a conditional commodity, something that needs to be earned rather than freely given. 

This skewed perspective can lead to a lifetime of failed relationships and unmet emotional needs, unless we consciously decide to break the cycle.

This is why it’s important to identify and understand the signs of having grown up with an emotionally unavailable parent. Doing so can help us unlearn harmful patterns and build healthier relationships moving forward.

For those who identify with these signs, it’s crucial to remember that your past doesn’t have to dictate your future. The first step towards change is awareness and you’re already on the right track by recognizing these signs.

Your upbringing may have shaped you, but it certainly doesn’t define you. With patience, courage, and support, you can break free from these patterns and steer your life in the direction you choose.