The Bible is as Easy to Understand as a Drunken Scotsman

by admin | August 14, 2017, 5:30 am

In the beginning, there was sloppy writing.

The Old Testament of the Holy Bible reads like the memoir of the world’s most boring schizophrenic. The New Testament features more contradictions than a politician’s conscience.

However, the blessed blunders clogging up the Bible aren’t completely the author’s fault. With dozens of different sacred secretaries taking Old Testament dictation, and untold numbers of New Testament scribes ghostwriting for Jesus, it’s no wonder the whole thing is full of contradictions, muddy imagery and syntax that’s downright sinful. Of course God made mistakes. He’s only human, and writing is really hard.

The Holy Bible may be “the good book,” but it’s pretty badly written. The text is littered with poorly developed characters, confusing plot tangents and grammar that can only be described as downright blasphemous.

A little Biblical era book editing could have gone a long way in helping the many scribes and scholars responsible for writing the world’s number one bestseller. The Old Testament is believed to have been transcribed by religious leaders taking dictation directly from God himself. The New Testament was supposed to be written by Christ’s apostles, but most Biblical scholars agree that it was likely ghostwritten by others. With an untold number of authors writing in different time periods and no professional editing, it’s no wonder that the end result is as about as easy to understand as a drunken Scotsman.

If the holy scripture writing team had consulted a book editing service, the Bible would have been clearer, easier to read and a Hell of a lot shorter. Book editing is absolutely essential to help an author see which parts of their story are compelling (crucifixion/fish and loaves stuff) and which parts should end up in the shredder (all that stuff about repaying your neighbor if his ox falls into your pit).

Some of the scribes responsible for writing the Bible did a terrific job writing short, concise and compelling stuff. The Ten Commandments were great.

“Thou shalt not kill.” Short. Simple. Clear. To the point.

“Thou shalt not steal.” Fabulous.

“Honour thy Father and thy Mother”. Super clear.

However, other parts of the Bible are sloppily written and a lot less clear:

“Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.” (Psalm 137:9)

Any editor in Jerusalem could have told the author that he just plunked a big fat sentence fragment in the middle of his masterpiece—not to mention that the message itself is a little off putting to the average reader.

Perhaps the greatest lesson of the Bible is that any book can benefit from professional editing. Both mortal ones and those dictated by God.

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