9 phrases narcissists use when they’re pretending to apologize

Ever had someone apologize to you, yet somehow you walked away feeling worse than before? I remember sitting across from a friend who had stood me up for the third time that month. When I finally brought it up, their response left me more confused than comforted. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” they said, followed by a lengthy explanation about how busy they’d been and how I needed to understand their situation better.

It wasn’t until years later, through my work as a relationship counselor, that I recognized this for what it was: a non-apology wrapped in apologetic language. And when you’re dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, these fake apologies become an art form.

In healthy relationships, apologies serve as bridges to repair trust. I’ve learned that sincere apologies include three key elements: acknowledgment of what went wrong, accountability for one’s role, and amends to make things right. But narcissists? They’ve mastered the performance of apologizing without actually taking any responsibility.

If you’ve ever felt confused or invalidated after receiving an apology, you might have been on the receiving end of one of these phrases. Let’s break down the most common ones I encounter in my practice.

1. “I’m sorry you feel that way”

This classic non-apology tops the list for good reason. Notice how the focus shifts entirely to your feelings rather than their actions? They’re not sorry for what they did; they’re sorry you had an emotional response to it.

A client once told me her partner used this phrase after forgetting their anniversary. When she expressed hurt, he responded with, “I’m sorry you feel neglected, but you know how stressful work has been.” The subtext? Your feelings are the problem, not my behavior.

What makes this particularly insidious is that it sounds like empathy. But genuine empathy would sound more like, “I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary. I can see how that hurt you.”

2. “I apologize if I did something wrong”

The word “if” does some heavy lifting here, doesn’t it? This phrase questions whether any wrongdoing even occurred, putting the burden on you to prove that it did.

I once worked with someone whose boss would regularly take credit for their ideas. When confronted, the boss said, “I apologize if you think I took your idea, but we’re all on the same team here.” See how that works? The apology becomes conditional on your perception, not their actions.

3. “I’m sorry, but you made me do it”

Ah, the classic blame shift. This phrase acknowledges wrongdoing just long enough to redirect responsibility right back at you. It’s like they’re saying, “Yes, I did something bad, but it’s actually your fault.”

Have you ever heard variations like “I’m sorry I yelled, but you pushed my buttons” or “I’m sorry I lied, but you wouldn’t have understood the truth”? These aren’t apologies; they’re accusations disguised as remorse.

4. “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”

This phrase weaponizes the apology itself, turning it into a transaction where you’re now the unreasonable one for not immediately accepting their words. It completely bypasses any genuine attempt at understanding or change.

The implication here is that saying “sorry” should be enough to erase any harm done. But words without changed behavior or genuine understanding are just noise. When someone uses this phrase, they’re more interested in ending the conversation than repairing the relationship.

5. “I’m sorry you misunderstood me”

Here’s another variation that puts the blame squarely on your shoulders. According to this logic, the problem isn’t what they said or did; it’s your comprehension skills.

I’ve noticed that many clients confuse intensity with intimacy, and this phrase often shows up in those intense but shallow connections. Someone might say something hurtful, then claim you simply misunderstood their “passionate” communication style. But clear communication is the speaker’s responsibility, not the listener’s burden.

6. “Fine, I’m sorry, okay?”

The exasperated apology. You can practically hear the eye roll, can’t you? This phrase treats the apology like a checkbox to tick rather than a genuine attempt at reconciliation.

When someone delivers an apology with this much irritation, they’re communicating that your need for acknowledgment is an inconvenience. They’re not sorry for hurting you; they’re annoyed that you’re making them deal with it.

7. “I already apologized for that”

This phrase attempts to put an expiration date on harm. As if one apology, no matter how insincere or incomplete, should permanently close the door on that issue.

Real healing sometimes requires multiple conversations, especially for significant breaches of trust. When someone uses this phrase, they’re more interested in avoiding accountability than understanding why the issue keeps resurfacing.

8. “I’m sorry, but you’re too sensitive”

Another classic that combines a fake apology with an attack on your character. Your emotional response becomes the problem, not their behavior that triggered it.

Think about it: if someone steps on your foot and you say “ouch,” would a genuine response be “Sorry, but your feet are too sensitive”? Of course not. Yet somehow, when it comes to emotional hurt, this logic gets a pass from those who want to avoid responsibility.

9. “Mistakes were made”

The passive voice special. Notice how there’s no “I” in this statement? Mistakes just happened, apparently all by themselves, with no actual person responsible for making them.

Politicians love this one, but narcissists in personal relationships use it too. It acknowledges that something went wrong while neatly sidestepping any personal accountability. It’s the verbal equivalent of a shrug.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these phrases is the first step in protecting yourself from manipulation disguised as reconciliation. Each year, I do a relationship audit to assess who in my life energizes versus depletes me, and consistently, the people who use these non-apologies fall into the depleting category.

If you’re hearing these phrases regularly from someone in your life, it might be time to reassess that relationship. Real apologies create connection and foster trust. Fake ones leave you feeling confused, invalidated, and somehow responsible for someone else’s behavior.

Remember, you deserve genuine accountability from the people in your life. Don’t let anyone convince you that these word games are the same as real remorse. Trust your gut when an apology leaves you feeling worse, not better. That feeling is telling you something important about the person delivering it.