Genesis: The Second Draft

This second draft of Genesis comes from Liz Brown…

Genesis: The Second Draft

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The heavens were a great place to be, with lots of interesting things to do, really good food and great package deals for anyone looking for a relaxing (and permanent) vacation. The earth was just a big lump of clay at this point, and God felt like he could do better. He set aside a week to work on it.

On Monday, he shaped the big lump of clay into a ball, turned on the lights and agreed to pay the electric bill until the end of time. On Tuesday, he took it easy and just worked on the sky. God felt really pleased with himself.

“And it was good!” said God to some friends over dinner. A few of the other guests rolled their eyes, figuring this was just another one of God’s poorly planned “get rich quick schemes,” but God didn’t care.

He got right back to work on Wednesday, and made the oceans. Then he put out a nice plate of fresh fruit and announced over earth’s loudspeaker for everyone to eat as much as they liked.

Thursday was frustrating, because the contractor that God hired to make the sky made the whole thing much to dark. God hung up the Sun, the Moon and hired an entire army of stars to brighten the whole thing up. He also organized a work schedule so that everyone could get a break. The Sun took the day shift, and the Moon and stars took the overnights.

On Friday, he just made birds and fish. He had planned to do more, but fish turned out to be pretty complicated and took up most of the afternoon.

On Saturday, God woke up feeling pretty rejected when he realized that not a single person or animal had decided to take him up on his “free fruit” offer from back on Wednesday.

“Duh,” said God’s wife Janet. “You didn’t make any people or animals yet.”

God felt pretty embarrassed about that. Janet was always pointing out his screw-ups and frankly he was sick of it. She was right though, and he decided to take the note.

God added birds, fish and some very cute mammals including giraffes, koala bears and monkeys. He showed them to Janet and she just shrugged, but God was pretty sure she was impressed and just didn’t want to admit it.

“Where are the people?” asked Janet in an irritated tone.

“I’m making them next!” snapped God. “I just wanted to show you the giraffes and stuff. Never mind.”

After Janet went to bed, God decided to stay up late and added one man and one woman to earth. Rather than just making a bunch of people himself, he thought it would be a funny idea to make women grow people in their stomachs for nine months and then have the tiny people would rip their vaginas open from the inside out when they were done growing. Janet didn’t think it was very funny.

God was really tired, and totally fed up with Janet’s lack of respect for his efforts. He decided to sleep all day on Sunday to let her know how ticked off he was, but she was out shopping with friends for most of the day, so she didn’t even notice.

God’s friend Jeff said: “Why don’t you just get a divorce?”

But God didn’t want to do that, because heaven was a “community property” state and if they got divorced, he’d have to give her half of the earth.

“I’ll have to figure out some other way to get back at her,” grumbled God.