God is Great. He’s Just Not a Great Writer
In the beginning, there was sloppy writing.
The Old Testament of the Holy Bible reads like the memoir of the world’s most boring schizophrenic, and the New Testament features more contradictions than a politician’s conscience. We at The Expert Editor realise that the blessed blunders clogging up the Bible aren’t completely the author’s fault. With dozens of different sacred secretaries taking Old Testament dictation, and untold numbers of New Testament scribes ghostwriting for Jesus, it’s no wonder the whole Goddamn thing is full of contradictions, muddy imagery and syntax that’s downright sinful. Of course God made mistakes. He’s only human, and writing is really hard.
Bad sacred writing is by no means a uniquely Christian problem. There isn’t a holy text on Earth that doesn’t need some serious editorial love. The Qu’ran is so badly written it might as well be called “The Qu’wrong”—not to mention the fact that there’s not a single picture of Muhammed in the entire book. The Buddhist Sutras were clearly written by a dude desperately trying to get laid, and Hinduism’s Bhaghavad Gita? Holy cow, what a mess. Are the world’s holy texts the worst things the “Creators” have ever come up with? Probably not. On the spectrum of all-time biggest screw ups, sacred writings probably fall somewhere in between Jell-O salad and the Holocaust, but they’re a whole lot easier to fix.
That’s why the Expert Editor is proud to announce a new venture aimed at cleaning up religion’s worst first drafts. “The Holy Book Editing Project” is a coalition of like-minded writers and editors fervently committed to turning holy texts of every denomination into books that people might actually want to read.
He’s only human, and writing is really hard.
The Expert Editor website will be featuring regular posts with corrected holy texts, developmental editing suggestions and full rewrites—all offered at absolutely no cost to the deities whatsoever. We started by taking a big, fat, red pen to the first “chapter” of Genesis, and we plan to keep on going until every piece of bad religious writing on Earth is downright divine.
The Expert Editor realises that the Holy Book Editing Project is an undertaking of biblical proportions. We want to hear from readers around the world on which holy book passages feature the worst writing in the history of time. Send your favorites to email@example.com or post them on our Facebook page.
Horde, hear our prayer. Amen.