8 things boomer parents do that guarantee their kids will choose their spouse’s family over them

Choosing between two families can be a tough decision for many married folks, especially when there’s tension in the home front.

Often, boomer parents unintentionally push their kids towards their spouse’s family. They do certain things, without realising the impact that these actions and behaviours have on their child’s relationship with them.

In this article, I’m going to reveal eight things that boomer parents do that guarantee their kids will gravitate more towards their spouse’s family. And let me tell you, it’s not because they’re trying to be difficult or mean, but sometimes our actions speak louder than our intentions.

You’ll definitely want to stick around if you’re a boomer parent wanting to maintain a strong bond with your child and their spouse. Or even if you’re just curious about family dynamics.

So let’s dive right into it.

1) Constant comparison

Just as salespeople know the power of social proof, boomer parents often fall into the trap of comparison. Not between products or services, but between their child’s in-laws and themselves.

The whole “us versus them” mindset can be pretty damaging. When parents constantly compare themselves to their child’s in-laws, it puts the child in an uncomfortable position. This constant comparison can create a sense of competition, and not the healthy kind.

“Your spouse’s family does this”, “We never do that”, “Why can’t we be more like them”. Sound familiar?

This approach creates tension and places unnecessary stress on the child. It pushes them away rather than drawing them closer. And honestly, who wants to hang around negative energy?

Remember, every family is unique with their own set of values, traditions, and quirks. Appreciating these differences is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship with your child and their spouse.

2) Disregarding boundaries

Believe me when I say, there’s nothing that pushes a child towards their spouse’s family more than a parent who doesn’t respect boundaries.

I remember when my wife and I first got married. We were both excited to start our own lives together, but my parents seemed to have a hard time letting go.

They would drop by unannounced, offer unsolicited advice about our personal lives, and even interfere with our decisions.

Though they meant well, it felt intrusive and overwhelming. It made us gravitate more towards my wife’s family, not because we loved my parents any less, but because they respected our space and allowed us to grow independently.

Respecting boundaries is key in any relationship. If you’re a boomer parent, remember that your child is an adult now with their own family, and your role is no longer to direct their lives but to support them in their decisions. Trust me, they’ll thank you for it.

3) Overly critical

Did you know that criticism, when not constructive, can be one of the biggest relationship killers?

In a study conducted by the University of Georgia, it was found that couples who criticized each other’s personalities were significantly more likely to divorce.

Now, apply this to the parent-child relationship. When boomer parents are overly critical of their child or their spouse, it creates a negative environment that’s hard for anyone to thrive in. No one enjoys being constantly criticized or belittled.

It’s important to understand that everyone has their own way of doing things. Being respectful and accepting of these differences, instead of being overly critical, can go a long way in maintaining a strong bond with your child and their spouse.

Constant criticism will only drive them away and possibly towards a more nurturing and accepting environment – like their spouse’s family.

4) Ignoring their spouse

The relationship between you and your child’s spouse is just as important as your relationship with your child.

Ignoring or excluding your child’s spouse from family activities and discussions can make them feel unwelcome. This, in turn, can cause your child to feel torn between you and their spouse, and guess who they’re likely to side with?

It’s crucial to make an effort to build a genuine relationship with your child’s spouse. Include them in family traditions, ask for their opinions, respect their decisions.

After all, they’re a part of the family now too. Treat them as such, and you’ll be creating a welcoming atmosphere that your child and their spouse will want to be a part of.

5) Lack of emotional support

The saying ‘Home is where the heart is’ carries a deep truth. It’s not the physical place that defines home, but the emotional support and love one feels there.

When boomer parents fail to provide emotional support to their child during tough times, it leaves a void. A void that their spouse’s family might fill in, making them feel more at home with them.

Emotional support isn’t about solving your child’s problems. It’s about being there for them, listening to them, and providing comfort when they’re going through a rough patch.

Remember, we all yearn for a safe space where we can share our fears and failures without judgement. If you provide that for your child, they’ll always feel connected to you, no matter how much they love their spouse’s family.

6) Not embracing change

Change is a part of life. It’s inevitable and often necessary for growth. But accepting change, particularly when it involves your child building a life with someone else, can be tough.

I’ve struggled with this myself. When my daughter got married, it was hard for me to accept the changes that came with it. She was no longer just my little girl, but a wife and soon-to-be mother.

She had new priorities and responsibilities, and I had to take a step back.

But here’s what I learned – resisting change only strains the relationship. Accepting change, on the other hand, allows you to be part of your child’s new journey. It shows them that you respect their choices and are willing to adapt for the sake of your relationship.

So, embrace the changes. It might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth it in the end.

7) Being too controlling

Nobody likes to be controlled, especially adults. When boomer parents try to control their child’s decisions or lifestyle, it can lead to resentment and push them away.

This is particularly true when it comes to their spouse and their marriage. By trying to dictate everything from how they should raise their kids to how they should manage their finances, you’re infringing on their freedom and autonomy.

Remember, your child and their spouse are adults capable of making their own decisions. Your role as a parent is to guide them, not control them.

Give them the freedom to make their own mistakes and learn from them. It’s a crucial part of personal growth and building a strong, independent family unit.

8) Not expressing love

At the end of the day, the most powerful bond that keeps a family together is love. Love that is not just felt, but also expressed.

Boomer parents who fail to express their love and appreciation for their child and their spouse risk creating a distance in the relationship.

It’s not about grand gestures or expensive gifts. It’s about the little things. A heartfelt compliment, a warm hug, a simple ‘I love you’ can go a long way.

Never underestimate the power of expressing your love. It’s what draws people to you, what makes them feel valued and cherished. It’s what family is all about.

Final thoughts: It’s all about love

This emotional bond, often stronger than the ties that bind us genetically, plays a crucial role in shaping our interactions and preferences.

For boomer parents, the expression of love towards their child and their spouse could be the decisive factor in drawing them closer, rather than pushing them away.

It’s not about winning or losing a competition between families. It’s about creating an environment filled with love, respect, and understanding. An environment where your child and their spouse feel valued, supported, and cherished.

Whether it’s showing respect for their decisions, acknowledging their independence, or simply expressing your love for them, these small actions can have a profound impact on your relationship with your child.

As the famous saying by George Eliot goes, “What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?”

In the end, it’s these acts of love that will resonate with your child and their spouse, ensuring that they always feel a strong connection with you.