10 habits that are making you lonely, according to psychology

It’s a strange paradox of our times that we’ve become increasingly connected, thanks to technology, yet increasingly lonely as well. 

Take, for instance, these numbers from a new Gallup poll conducted worldwide: almost a quarter of the world reports feeling very or fairly lonely. That means nearly 1 out of 4 adults around you feels isolated. 

Maybe that one person could even be you. 

The problem is, loneliness isn’t just some mood that comes and goes without any consequences. It can actually impact your mental and physical health. It could even cause early mortality. 

Sounds dire, right? So, it’s worth examining if you’ve got any habits that might be contributing to your loneliness. 

Here are 10 of those habits, according to psychologists and mental health experts: 

1) Avoiding social interactions

Let’s start with the obvious – if you often make excuses not to hang out with people, then it’s not surprising that you’ll feel lonely after a while. 

Don’t get me wrong, though – regular time for solitude is good. As an introvert, I must have some alone time every day or else I’d go bonkers. 

What I’m talking about here is of the more habitual kind, where saying “no” to invitations becomes more of a reflex than a thoughtful decision. 

This habit might seem benign at first, but it can slowly build a wall between you and the companionship you might be yearning for deep down.

According to psychologists, socially isolated people often feel lonely or depressed. They can also suffer from low self-esteem or anxiety.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards change.

Find a balance that works for you – one where you can honor your need for alone time without cutting yourself off from the joy and support that friendships and social connections offer. 

This brings me to my next point…

2) Not making efforts to make new friends

Okay, so maybe you have a circle of some good old friends who’ve been with you forever. But how are you at making new friends?

If you’re putting zero effort into it, you still might be setting yourself up for a lonely life. 

Why? The short answer is – because we evolve. Our friends evolve. And sometimes, those evolutions end up being incompatible. 

I know this firsthand, as I’ve had to navigate the tricky waters of outgrowing friendships myself. 

It’s a bittersweet realization when you notice the conversations getting shallower, the common ground shrinking, and the meetings getting fewer and farther between. 

It isn’t really anyone’s fault; it’s just a part of life.

But it does underscore the importance of continuously reaching out, meeting new people, and forming new connections.

This effort keeps your social circle dynamic and reflective of who you are becoming. Diversifying your friendships doesn’t mean you’re replacing the old with the new’ you’re just embracing new ones to add more texture to your life. 

So, while nurturing long-standing friendships, don’t close the door on the possibility of new ones. They could be the key to filling your life with varied, enriching experiences and staving off loneliness.

3) Overuse of social media

Again, I’ll go back to the paradox I mentioned in the intro.

How can social media, which connects us with people all over the world, cause loneliness?

An interesting study found that more time spent on social media contributes to higher levels of loneliness in two ways: 

First: “More time spent digesting other people’s happiness on social media may accelerate one’s own feelings of loneliness and distress, possibly fueled by envy.” 

And second, “Observing social media posts displaying the challenges of others without being able to provide direct support may also contribute to increased feelings of loneliness.”

Either way, whether you’re feeling envious or wanting to help, the end result is that overuse of social media can make you feel lonely. 

4) People-pleasing

Here’s yet another paradox: you would think that people-pleasing and going along with what others want would earn you more points in the friendship department, right? 

Well, maybe it will, as people would rather you always agree with them.

However, there’s a deeper issue at play here. Constantly putting people’s needs above yours can definitely make you feel lonely deep inside. 

That’s how it goes when you keep your true feelings to yourself. Because ultimately, what that boils down to is that you never feel seen.  

5) Having unrealistic expectations from others

Have you ever found yourself feeling disappointed because a friend or family member didn’t react the way you expected? 

I hear you, it’s only natural to feel this way. But be careful not to hold onto rigid ideas of how people should behave or respond, or else you’d be setting yourself up for disappointment.

And consequently, loneliness. The disappointment can create a chasm between us and our loved ones, making us feel isolated even when surrounded by people.

As Andrea Darcy at Harley Therapy puts it, “…nobody lasts long on a pedestal without falling off. Worse, wanting certain things from others can blind you to what they actually can offer you. The end result can be troubled relationships, intimacy issues, and loneliness.”

The key takeaway? It’s crucial to manage our expectations and communicate them clearly. 

Letting go of unrealistic expectations doesn’t mean lowering our standards but rather accepting and appreciating people as they are. That’s always the better way to create real connections.

6) Refusing to adapt

Similarly, being too set in your ways can get in the way of connection. 

This is exactly what happened to me in the past. I hate to admit it, but I was often reluctant to step outside my comfort zone. 

Whether it was trying new activities, exploring unfamiliar social settings, or simply being open to different ways of thinking, I stubbornly clung to what was familiar. 

This rigidity not only limited my personal growth but also my social opportunities. As people around me were evolving and embracing change, I found myself being left behind. 

I was watching potential friendships pass me by because I wasn’t willing to adapt. In the end, I felt lonely, and I had only myself to blame. 

Psychology research supports this idea as well, suggesting that individuals who show adaptability, or what they call “psychological flexibility”, are less likely to feel stressed and lonely.   

7) Focusing on negative thoughts

Are you prone to negative thinking? Do you tend to think of the bad, the worst, the terrible instead of what’s good and going well? 

If this is your default way of thinking, you could be pushing people away without even realizing it. 

According to Very Well Mind, pessimistic people tend to experience more isolation, greater conflict and stress. 

That’s not really surprising, since no one wants to hang out with a person who walks around with a perpetual cloud over their heads all the time. 

8) Having a quick temper

No one wants to hang out with the cranky and hot-tempered either. I know a few people like this, and I certainly don’t appreciate that feeling of walking on eggshells around them. 

But I can also imagine how this can make them feel lonely deep down.  A study published in the European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience states that “Loneliness seems to be associated with an increase in aggressive behavioral tendencies or a lack of [their] inhibition.”

To add to that, according to Dr. J. Ryan Fuller, “Unfortunately, that loneliness in fact becomes kind of a feedback loop that puts them at greater and greater risk of being aggressive.”

So if you have anger issues, it might be time to address them so you can express your feelings in a healthy way and connect with others better. 

9) Lacking self-disclosure

Another habit that can easily lead to loneliness is the refusal to be vulnerable. 

I totally understand how hard this can be for some of us, though. It’s never easy putting yourself out there, flaws and all, and risk being judged or rejected. 

Even so, it’s what you need to do if you want to be truly seen. Otherwise, the real you will always stay hidden where no one can see it and appreciate it. 

And that is sadly a recipe for loneliness. 

Dr. Karyn Hall of Psychology Today says that masking your inner experience – what you’re thinking or feeling – to others in social situations isn’t as effective as you think. 

According to her, other people detect such masking and what happens is they come to not trust you. How can they, when they don’t really know what your internal experience is? 

And without trust, building a relationship is next to impossible. 

So find the courage to be vulnerable – the people around you will appreciate it more.  

10) Overworking and neglecting personal life

Sometimes, it’s just as simple as not having enough time for yourself. Pouring all your energy and time into work can leave you feeling drained and empty. 

Balancing work and personal life is a tightrope walk many of us dread. There was a time when I thought clocking in extra hours and dedicating myself entirely to my career was the pinnacle of success. 

But here’s the twist – while my professional life flourished, my personal life went down the drain. I missed out on countless dinners, gatherings, and simple moments of connection. 

A study published in the Harvard Business Review confirms this – the more people are exhausted, the lonelier they feel. 

It’s ironic, isn’t it? In a bid to secure a better future, we sometimes neglect the very things that make life worth living in the present.

Final thoughts

Loneliness often stems from our habits, many of which we can change. Whether it’s avoiding people, sticking to old friends, or refusing to adapt, these patterns can isolate us. 

The key is awareness and willingness to change. Hopefully, this list has helped you identify any habits you need to say goodbye to. 

Let’s strive for balance, embrace new connections, and keep our minds and hearts open to change. Simple steps can lead us to a fuller, more connected life.