I spent my 20s trying to please everyone. In my 30s, I realized this was why I was so unhappy.

In my 20s, I was a classic people-pleaser, prioritizing others’ happiness over my own. Despite appearing popular and successful, there was an underlying dissatisfaction.

Approaching my 30s, I realized this constant need to please people had been doing me more harm than good. It dawned on me that in my quest to make everyone else happy, I had neglected my own happiness.

This realization led me to reassess my life and rethink my approach to relationships and decisions. It wasn’t an overnight change – it took time and plenty of self-reflection.

Here’s how my journey from pleasing everyone to prioritizing myself unfolded and why it led to some unexpected happiness along the way.

Embracing the power of ‘no’

In my early 30s, I started to practice saying ‘no’. It was a small word that carried a lot of weight. At first, it felt strange and uncomfortable. I was so used to being agreeable, that standing my ground felt like a foreign concept.

But I persisted. I declined invitations that didn’t interest me and started to prioritize my own needs at work. I made it a point to express my opinions, even if they didn’t align with those of others.

There were moments of guilt and anxiety. There were times when I questioned whether I was being selfish. But each ‘no’ brought me closer to understanding what truly mattered to me.

As time went on, I noticed a shift in my relationships. Some friends drifted away, unable to understand my newfound assertiveness. At work, there were moments of tension as colleagues adjusted to the change.

Yet, with every passing day, I felt a sense of relief and liberation. For the first time in years, I felt like I was in control of my own happiness.

This journey wasn’t easy but it was necessary. It helped me realize that the key to my happiness wasn’t in pleasing everyone else, but in honoring myself.

The misconception of the ‘people-pleaser’

Most people think that being a people-pleaser means you’re kind, selfless, and easygoing. They see it as a positive trait, one that makes you likable and approachable. But I’ve come to realize that this perception is far from reality.

Being a people-pleaser often means neglecting your own needs. It means making compromises that can lead to resentment and unhappiness. It creates a pattern of behavior that can be incredibly hard to break.

During my 20s, I was the embodiment of this misconception. I believed that my self-worth was tied to how much others liked me, and I did everything I could to maintain this image. But all it did was leave me feeling unfulfilled and discontent.

It took me years to understand that pleasing everyone else at the expense of my own happiness wasn’t kindness — it was self-sacrifice. And it wasn’t until I challenged this belief and started prioritizing myself that I began to feel truly happy.

Next, let’s explore what I did to break away from this pattern and how it transformed my life.

Breaking the pattern of people-pleasing

The first step I took to break away from my people-pleasing tendencies was to understand my self-worth. I realized that my value wasn’t based on how useful or agreeable I was to others. It was about how I respected and cared for myself.

I began to prioritize self-care and self-love. I started engaging in activities that made me feel good about myself, such as reading, exercising, and spending time alone. This helped me understand that it was okay to focus on my needs and wants.

I also worked on setting boundaries. I learned to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty. I communicated my limits clearly to those around me, and over time, this became more comfortable and natural.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, remember that your happiness matters.

It’s okay to put yourself first. You don’t have to please everyone around you at the expense of your own well-being. Start by understanding your worth, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your needs.

Stepping back and taking control

Looking back at my journey, I can see how taking responsibility for my own happiness was a game changer.

Even though I wasn’t to blame for the societal expectations and external influences that led me to become a people-pleaser, I realized that I had the power to change my situation.

I started questioning the societal norms and expectations that had been unconsciously guiding my decisions. I recognized that many of my beliefs and behaviors were not truly my own, but rather a result of societal conditioning.

Taking control meant:

• Acknowledging my dissatisfaction with being a people-pleaser.
• Facing the reality of my situation, rather than resorting to blind positivity.
• Understanding the impact of societal expectations and conditioning.
• Pursuing my own ambitions and desires, rather than trying to meet externally imposed ones.
• Embracing self-development to break free from societal expectations.

To sum up, this path has enabled me to synchronize my life with my authentic nature and aspirations.

It no longer involved seeking approval from others or adhering to societal expectations; instead, it became about embracing life on my own terms.