If someone displays these 12 behaviors, they’re the toxic one in the family

Most families have a toxic family member. They’re often considered the  “black sheep” and excluded from family gatherings and other events.

In some extreme cases, their name is forbidden from being mentioned as if they were Lord Voldemort.

They say that you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family, and that’s what can lead to problems. Even if we know that one of our relatives is toxic, there’s often not much that we can do about it.

Still, it can be helpful to know who the toxic person is so that you can be better prepared for dealing with them, and that’s where this week’s article comes in.

Let’s go ahead and take a look at 12 behaviors that suggest that someone is the toxic one in your family.

1) Gaslighting

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines gaslighting as, “[The] psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time, [which] causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

And so you can probably see why gaslighting is a favorite technique amongst toxic people. It’s a tool that allows them to get whatever they want, typically at the expense of others. And that’s just fine with them, because they’re toxic and they don’t care.

Gaslighting is perhaps the most toxic behavioral trait of all, and it relates back to many of the others on this list. For example, toxic people generally don’t care about the impact of their gaslighting because of their narcissism. They also often use gaslighting to manipulate.

And so in other words, if one of your family members is gaslighting others, they’re the toxic one.

2) Manipulation

Toxic people are more prone to using manipulation because they’re not afraid to coerce people into doing their bidding.

Manipulation comes in many different shapes and sizes. Some of it is overt and aggressive, making it difficult to miss. At other times, it’s subtle and difficult to spot, which can lead to you being manipulated without you even knowing it.

Either way, the problem with manipulation is that it can be hard to know where it ends.

Some masters of toxicity also use reverse psychology and will be able to manipulate you into doing what they want by trying to make you think that they want you to do the opposite.

Because of that, even though it can be easy to say that you’re not going to be manipulated, it’s often hard to put that into practice.

3) Narcissism

In this day and age, we’re all a little narcissistic. The social networking sites that we use reward narcissism with engagement and hits of dopamine.

The problems occur when we allow that narcissism to go to our heads and start to think that we’re the most important person on the planet.

If someone in your family is doing this, they’ll likely be rude to the other members of your family and can even demand financial support in a way that isn’t fair to their siblings and close relatives.

Narcissists aren’t fun to be around because they inherently try to make everything about themselves. It’s impossible to have a decent conversation without them changing the subject to make it about them, and you just try to arrange something without their input or to have a different point of view to them during a debate.

No one likes a narcissist.

4) Threatening

Another common trait amongst toxic family members is that they’ll think nothing of threatening you, even if you’re their flesh and blood.

Worse, they’ll often back those threats up with action, whether that’s by carrying out physical violence or whether it’s by simply distancing themselves from family members or failing to do something that they’re expected to do.

For example, I know someone who used a combination of threatening and emotional blackmail to make sure that they were a bridesmaid at their daughter’s wedding. They did this by threatening to boycott the wedding and to encourage other family members not to attend.

The best thing to do in these situations is usually to refuse to bow down to the other person’s demands. But that’s often easier said than done.

5) Unpredictability

Another common trait amongst toxic family members is that they’re super unpredictable.

In fact, this might be the most common one, and it’s certainly one of the easiest to look out for. It can often be hard to put your finger on why a family member is toxic because their manipulation might be subtle or their narcissism might not be obvious at first glance. Sometimes it’s easier just to point to their unpredictability.

Unpredictability comes in many different shapes and sizes. It could be that they normally seem nice but can fly into a rage at a moment’s notice, or it could just be that you never know when they’re going to show up at the family house.

So if you’ve got an unpredictable family member, don’t worry – you’re not the only one.

6) Invalidation

Toxic people often turn to invalidation as a way of making their victims feel as though they’re unworthy and/or unimportant.

PsychCentral explains, “Validation is the acceptance of a person’s thoughts, feelings and emotions. Invalidation, then, is just the opposite – when a person’s thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviors are rejected, judged or ignored.”

In my experience, invalidation is particularly common amongst parents, who’ll invalidate the feelings of their children. For example, when a child goes to them to say that they’re scared of the dark, the parent will say, “That’s silly, there’s nothing to be scared of.”

It’s easy to do, but toxic people do it more often than others. They also do it knowingly, and they won’t let something as trivial as people’s feelings get in their way.

7) Neglect

Neglect is harmful for obvious reasons, and toxic family members are the ones who are most likely to be neglectful.

A lot of this is due to their tendency to put themselves first. For example, a toxic family member might choose to go out with their friends instead of looking after their children, leaving them at home alone or dumping them with a family member at the last minute.

Neglect comes in many different forms, and it’s not just about parents who aren’t present for their children. Any family member can neglect any other family member, and there’s also emotional neglect to consider.

All in all, neglect is one of the more severe forms of toxicity and one that you’ll want to be on the lookout for.

8) Aggression

Aggression has few places in our modern society. In fact, I’d argue that it only really belongs in contact sports, and even then it has to be channeled correctly and within the rules of the sport.

It should go without saying that aggression has no place in family life. When you turn that aggression towards the people who love you, you shouldn’t be surprised if they label you as toxic and feel unwilling to spend any time with you.

Aggression is super easy to spot and so I’m not going to give you any tips there. What I will say is that if one of your family members is aggressive, you’ll want to suggest that they channel that aggression into something more useful, even if that’s just working out at a punch bag in the gym.

Oh, and bear in mind that you’ll also need to be on the lookout for passive aggression, too.

9) Criticism

Criticism comes in different forms, and it’s important to remember that not all criticism is a bad thing.

The key here is for the criticism to be constructive, because constructive criticism is what allows us to get better at whatever it is that we do. But there can also be unconstructive criticism, which isn’t helpful to anyone and which is just designed to tear them down. Toxic family members tend to specialize in the latter.

Let’s use the example of a young girl that wants to become a singer. A piece of constructive criticism might be, “I think a more upbeat song would better suit your voice.” A piece of unconstructive criticism might be, “Your singing sucks.”

Learn to identify the difference between the two and to call out any toxic family members that only share unconstructive criticism.

10) Projection

Projection is what happens when we try to guess what other people might be thinking or feeling based upon our own thoughts and feelings.

There’s an obvious downside to this, which is that we’re not psychic. Even when we think that we know what someone is thinking, the chances are that we’re not looking at the big picture. We never know exactly what’s going on in someone else’s life.

Projection is interesting because it can allow people to be toxic while still having the best of intentions. Take, for example, a pushy parent that enters their child in beauty pageants because they think that’s what the kid wants, even though they don’t.

Projection is never a good idea, and so where possible, you should always just ask people in your family what they’re thinking.

11) Scapegoating

The Cambridge Dictionary defines scapegoating as, “The act of blaming a person or group for something bad that has happened or that someone else has done.”

We see scapegoating throughout our society, such as when people blame job shortages on an influx of immigrants. In Nazi Germany, Hitler famously made scapegoats out of the Jews, and we all know how that turned out.

When it comes to your family, it may be that a toxic family member constantly blames their parents for their own failures. However, you also need to be careful that you don’t become toxic yourself by blaming that toxic family member for everything that goes wrong within the family.

Scapegoating is one of those things that makes people feel better but which serves very little practical purpose.

12) Guilt-tripping

Guilt-tripping is one of the favorite tools of the toxic family member, in part because it allows them to manipulate and to gaslight.

The idea behind guilt-tripping is that the toxic family member will try to make people feel guilty for things that they shouldn’t feel guilty for. Often, the purpose is to get them to do something that they might not otherwise do.

Going back to that scapegoating example, a toxic family member might blame their parents for their financial struggles and then try to guilt trip them into giving them money. It’s another form of manipulation, but one in which guilt is turned into a weapon.

If you’re on the receiving end of guilt-tripping, refuse to feel guilty and don’t give into their demands. The last thing you want to do is to feed into their toxicity.