If someone displays these 10 traits, they have a victim mentality

When I found out I was going to write about “victim mentality”, I flinched. Like, a full-body flinch. Bestie, the reaction was visceral. 

And there’s a good chance that while going down this list, you will find yourself flinching, too, either out of realization or recollection. Or worse, confirmation.

But before I get ahead of myself, what exactly is “victim mentality”?

Science of People defines victim mentality as, “…a learned behavior in individuals who believe they have no control over their life because they think nothing they do will matter.” 

This mentality affects how a person interacts with themselves, others, and the rest of the world. At times, it could get frustrating. 

There’s a high likelihood that you’re reading this because you have had observations of certain people in your life or maybe even yourself. So, let’s talk about it.

Ready? Here are 10 traits that display someone’s victim mentality.

1) They lack accountability.

At any point in our lives, we have healed from something. Some of us might even be actively healing, even without anyone else knowing. (And for that, I am rooting for you, bestie.)

Healing from what, you might ask? From trauma, be it emotional, mental, or physical. From heartbreak, from loss, from a big sudden shift in life, from things long gone but the pain just catching up, and so on.

So by definition, we’ve all been victims. All of us. 

My point here is, victim mentality is not something that sprouts from nothing. It is a valid human response, it is a mindset we take on to cope. At some point, it becomes a defense mechanism.

And it is difficult to move past the pain, not impossible mind you, but difficult. It requires intentionality, perseverance, and grace. 

Saying that, someone who can’t (or doesn’t want to) break from the victim mentality will lack accountability. 

When things go south, they will shift the blame to everyone but themselves even when they are at fault.

But it’s “never their fault” when things go wrong. It’s so-and-so’s fault or they “did it because of so-and-so”.

To be clear, having a victim mentality is not inherently bad, it’s a way to cope, after all. But the slide into toxic behaviors can go unnoticed. 

It becomes an excuse rather than just a reason.

And it can get exhausting for the people around them. 

2) They one-up anyone over bad things that have happened in their lives.

Dealing with someone with a victim mentality is a test of patience and understanding. However, I have never claimed to be kind. I am not a saint and so my patience runs out, too. 

And my patience runs out the fastest during these kinds of “competition”. I like to call it the “loneliness competition” where a person one-ups anyone and everyone as to who has it worse.

And it’s funny, this, because why would you even want to win in tragedy? In loneliness? In being unlucky? 

For sympathy, that’s why. The unfortunate thing about this, though, is that it then becomes cyclical. 

The sympathy and attention they get further reinforces their belief that they are a victim. And the victimhood is further validated.

3) They feel like everything is unfair.

Life is unfair. This is not news to anybody here, right? Life is, annoyingly, unfair. 

There are people who will get to live the high life without ever lifting a finger, and the rest of us will struggle until kingdom come. Paycheck to paycheck. Day by day.

It’s systemic, unending, and harsh, and I don’t see it changing in my generation.

This doesn’t mean I will not struggle against the status quo. I merely tolerate it so don’t think this is acceptance on my part.

And a good portion of you reading this will be the same. 

However, someone with a victim mentality won’t bother, which is a recurring theme on this list. 

“Life is unfair” will be an excuse for inaction and an explanation for when things don’t go their way. 

It becomes a convenient excuse. 

This then brings me to the next point, they feel like people need to give in to them.

4) They feel like people need to give in to them.

While this doesn’t apply to everybody, this is one of the toxic traits of someone with a victim mentality: They feel like others around them need to give in to them.

Ever heard of the term, “playing the sympathy card”? It’s when someone uses sympathy or pity to get what they want. 

They expect you to make way for them, to give in to their demands, and to let them win every time.

5) They are overly critical or negative about themself. 

First and foremost, their self-talk is negative. They are overly critical of their own actions, and negative about how they look or act, how they interact, and where they are in life.

Everything and anything. 

It’s a losing battle to believe that we are not capable of anything or that trying is pointless because we’re going to fail anyway. 

It’s the perfect recipe for stagnation (which I will touch on at the end of this list.)

6) They are overly critical or negative about others.

Adding to the point above about being self-critical, people with a victim mentality will also be critical or negative about other people.

They will believe the worst-case scenario for everyone they meet. They will put up walls of distrust, believing others have hidden agendas.

And to be fair, I get that. When you’ve been hurt or betrayed (hence, a victim of betrayal), it changes you. It toughens you, yes, but it also breaks you.

I get it. So this point is one that I truly understand. Do I think it’s healthy? No, but I see where the vigilance is coming from. 

I see the need to toughen the heart to prevent further damage. I see the need to grow thorns to keep others away.

But let me leave you with this: The walls we put around ourselves not only keep other people out, it also cage us in.

Do with that what you will. 

7) They can’t take criticism. At all.

Accepting criticism is hard, dude. No matter how well-meaning it happens to be and no matter how constructive it is.

It’s hard. It’s a skill you get to learn the more you work on it and even the best intentions can sting on a bad day. 

And someone who has a victim mentality will take it even harder, if at all. Remember the “lacks accountability” part up top? Yeah, that also shows here. 

8) They hold grudges for even the smallest of stuff.

Holding grudges isn’t exclusive to people with a victim mentality; some people forgive, some people forget, some forgive and forget, and some people move on even without forgiveness.

And some people hold grudges. 

And while I won’t be the one to tell you to not hold onto your anger or your resentment, I will be the one to tell you that weaponizing a grudge doesn’t look healthy at any angle. 

In my book, it’s okay for anger to just be there, without actively letting it rot your soul. 

Someone with a victim mentality will hold grudges over the smallest of stuff, though. Yes, even the perceived slights. 

This, too, is part of the cycle that needs breaking. Here’s the thing though, they will be unwilling to try.

9) They are unwilling to try. 

When someone truly believes that all effort goes to waste, it makes sense why they won’t bother putting in any effort. 

Is this healthy? Not really, I’m just saying that I can empathize with that.

If someone has a victim mentality, they won’t bother trying to change. When they think the world is unfair, that the world is out to get them, they won’t bother to try. 

But the inaction ends up validating the notion of victimhood because nothing is changing. Nothing is getting better. No input is being done to better a situation.

Seeing the cycle? And see how it’s necessary to be intentional about change? About growth?

And speaking of growth. 

10) They have no interest in growth.

Lastly, they have no interest in progressing. They will have no interest in growth. 

And bestie, there is only so much you can do for people. 

There is only so much you can do before you deplete your own energy trying to help somebody else.

At the end of the day, the change needs to come from the individual. We can’t rush them, we can’t force them to the path of healing. 

That’s up to them to decide. 

So as I said, someone who is comfortable being in their victim mentality will have no interest in changing or growing. Well, granted, sometimes it’s not a “no” but a “not yet”.

But then again, it’ll be up to them. 

You can only proceed with good intentions and hope for the best. That is, if you still want to be in their lives and vice versa.

You then need to accept the fact that you can only love people but you cannot fix them.