If you display these 12 behaviors, you’re being manipulative without realizing it

Me, manipulative? 

It’s not an idea any of us would like to consider, but what if it applies?

The thing about being manipulative is that it’s not always a conscious choice that you think over. 

Manipulativeness is generally an ingrained habit and reflex, often built up since a very young age. 

The good news is that as you become aware of it you can consciously choose not to be manipulative and to face life and other people in a different, more empowering and authentic way. 

1) Playing the victim11

Playing the victim is something many of us do at times. 

It can become a bad habit, like smoking or drinking too much, and just as harmful. 

That’s because playing the victim is addictive and sometimes it does work to make us feel better. 

We get what we want, people give us pity or attention, we feel validated in our reactions and judgments of other people and the world. 

“I’m more of a victim than you!” and so on…

Whether you realize it or not, playing the victim on purpose is usually a form of manipulation. 

2) Demanding validation

We all like validation, but demanding validation is something else. 

It can be surprisingly subtle, too. 

Things like:

“This music I like is pretty good, isn’t it?”

Or;

“Aren’t you glad I suggested that career choice for you?”

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know that somebody likes what you do or are grateful for your help, but prodding them for it is manipulative. 

3) Attaching strings

The next manipulative tactic that many of us do is attaching strings to our affection, our time, our help and our support. 

This isn’t usually explicit, especially not with friends or those close to us. 

In other words, it’s not like you say: “fine I’ll help you study if you give me a discount to buy your car.”

It’s more like something that’s understood. 

Sure, I like you well enough, but if we aren’t sleeping together I’ll probably not call as much. 

This is attaching strings and not being open and direct about what you want and your intentions, conscious or not… 

4) Lobbing labels 

Another way you might be manipulative without realizing it is by lobbing labels. 

This is something our corporate culture and mainstream media encourages, dividing us up into various groups and binary strata to get us all arguing and emotive at each other. 

You throw labels at a certain person praising or denouncing them, whether online or offline, and feel sure that they’re accurate or provide a real picture of who that person is.

But they’re just as sure their labels for you are accurate. 

And it doesn’t even really matter if the labels are right, because even if they are they don’t provide much value at all. 

The result? 

Nobody really gets to know each other and we all fall in love (or hate) with each other’s masks, manipulating and becoming hopeful or disappointed based on illusion and surface identities. 

Boring! 

5) Selective compassion

Selective compassion is another way of being manipulative even if we don’t realize it. 

This often goes hand-in-hand with lobbing labels and judging people on the surface. 

There are two primary and manipulative forms of selective compassion:

a) Showing compassion to a person, organization or group because you want something from them (including approval or belonging).

b) Showing compassion for a cause, person or group because you want to virtue signal about your own goodness and integrity, rather than your genuine and unprompted concern or support.

Many of us engage in both of these behaviors from time to time. The problem is when it becomes a habit and so much second nature to us that we don’t even realize (or care) that we’re doing it. 

6) Rationing attention 

On a related note we get to rationing attention. 

This is an especially common behavior in unhealthy relationships and friendships. 

It amounts to subconsciously giving out more or less attention in order to influence or control somebody. 

There are two main forms to become aware of: 

a) You give more attention when you’re getting more positive feedback or more of what you want.

b) You give or withhold attention in order to get somebody to do more of what you want or punish them for not doing so. 

Rationing attention is manipulative and far too many people do it by second nature without even realizing it! 

7) Mixed messaging 

Mixed messaging often involves attention rationing but is a specific behavior. 

Many of us have engaged in it, myself included. 

Its roots are simple: dishonesty with ourselves and others. 

Mixed messaging is typical, for example, in relationships and dating or in business. 

For example: 

• Showing romantic interest in somebody when you actually only want to sleep with them (cure: being honest that you’re not romantically into them instead of using romance as a key to their bed).
• Showing strong interest in a deal or opportunity when you actually just want to use it as a stepping stone to something else (cure: being honest with those involved that the deal isn’t your priority and is just a stepping stone for you.)

And so on.

Mixed messaging is manipulative and can be quickly solved by being honest with yourself and others. That’s hard, but it’s not complicated. 

8) Passive aggressiveness 

Passive aggressiveness can be closely related to many of the behaviors I’ve spoken about so far here. 

Many of us are passive-aggressive without realizing it. 

It’s not always this dramatic idea we may have of shouting one moment and being kind and consoling the next. 

Passive aggressiveness can be much more subtle.

Things like:

• Alternating between gentle supportiveness of someone and low-key critical judgment.
• Alternating between being loving and communicative versus confrontational and shutting down emotionally.
• Alternating between generosity and penny-pinching mean-spiritedness. 

And many, many more examples… 

9) Financial freeloading or enabling

Financial freeloading (or enabling) are other highly manipulative behaviors, even though many of us do it without realizing. 

Freeloading often takes the form of not putting in your fair share while expecting to be taken care of as a result of emotional or familial ties. 

Over-generosity and enabling is the reverse but similar to codependency where you give someone all the money they need because you care about them. 

In darker contexts, freeloading and over-giving can also be tied to a desire to emotionally control or compel someone according to what you want them to be for you or how you want them to treat you. 

10) Weaponizing jealousy

Jealousy is a powerful emotion that many people feel. 

It’s not always something we can help feeling or provoking. 

But when jealousy is in our control, it’s not something we should toy around with. 

You may be manipulative regarding jealousy if you: 

• Try to get others to feel jealous of you in order to garner more attention or benefits from them.
• Try to use your jealousy of somebody to demand they do what you want or obey you. 

Feeling jealous may not be in your control, but what you do with that feeling is. 

11) Dangling vague prizes

Dangling vague prizes is a favorite tactic of marketers and sleazy gurus. 

But it can also be something many of us also engage in without realizing it. 

For example:

• Look at me, I’m pretty well off. Stick with me and maybe you will be, too…
• This career is full of opportunities if you just be patient and accept this lower position for an indeterminate length of time…

And so on…

The common element is dangling a future opportunity or benefit without ever getting specific about exactly when or what. 

Manipulative to a T.

On the flip side, we come to implying consequences if somebody doesn’t do what you want…

12) Implying threats

Many implied threats are something subtle and low-key. 

The most common aren’t threats about career damage, monetary consequences or physical harm at all.

The most common types of manipulative implied threats revolve around one thing:

Withholding or changing how you feel about someone. 

If you’ve ever wanted something a lot from somebody and implied or suggested you may stop liking or caring about them if you don’t get it, that’s a manipulative behavior. 

Tying how you feel about someone to what they do for you (or don’t do for you) is manipulative. 

Becoming aware of this is the first step to separating transactional elements from our relationships and emotional ties. 

A note on being manipulative 

Persuasion and manipulation aren’t the same, although they share many similarities. 

Persuading or convincing someone of something beneficial to them or others relies on honestly presenting your case:

Manipulation relies on backhanded tactics and dishonesty, which is why manipulative people are often so distrusted and avoided by others. 

Being a person who wants to get your way and influence others is a good thing and can be a very valuable skill!

It’s just important to ensure you’re not using manipulative or sneaky tactics to try to get what you want.