If you recognize these 8 patterns, you have a history of sabotaging your relationships

Do you keep falling for the wrong type of person? Do you seem to attract cheaters or narcissists, or are you constantly getting ghosted?

Relationships can go sour for many reasons, and sometimes, it is no fault of our own. 

But in more cases than we think, the cause of our continuing relationship failures is us.

Yes, that’s right. You could be sabotaging your relationships through your own behavior.

Often, these behavioral patterns are hidden and subtle. But to overcome them and change the trajectory of our lives, we must become self-aware.

So, if you’ve had a string of relationships that have all ended badly, this article will bring you some food for thought. 

As you read through these eight relationship-sabotaging patterns, be completely honest with yourself. Reflecting on your dating history, do you see any of these patterns present on your side?

1) Expecting too much 

One pattern that might unknowingly cause your relationships to fail is if you always expect too much from your partner.

This could be due to having a distorted perception of relationships. Perhaps you think that:

• Your relationship should look and feel like a fairytale
• You must spend every waking moment together
• You should have sex every night
• They should regularly surprise you with extravagant gifts and date nights

If you have unrealistic expectations, you will always be left feeling disappointed. You’ll assume that your partner doesn’t love you, causing you to end the relationship abruptly.

Alternatively, if you expect too much too soon or have needs that are impossible to meet, you might push away what could have been a good partner. 

So, finding the balance between having your needs met and being realistic is essential.

If you believe it is your partner’s job to make you happy or that they should prioritize you above everything else in their life, you’ll never find fulfillment in a relationship.

2) Acting desperate or clingy

If you expect too much from your partner, you might appear desperate or clingy.

However, this type of behavior typically stems from low self-esteem. 

Deep down, you don’t believe that you are worthy of love. So each time you get a new partner, you unconsciously cling to them, worried they will change their mind and leave.

However, desperation is NEVER attractive.

So, how do you know if you have clingy tendencies?

• If you NEED to make it official as soon as possible
• If you always want to know where the relationship is going 
• If you panic when they don’t respond to your messages right away
• If you worry they will lose interest by spending a few days apart

Raquel Peel is a research scientist in psychology who gave a TEDx talk on relationship sabotage. 

She discusses the link between past trauma and relationship sabotage in her talk. She explains that past trauma can lead to fear and insecurity in our future relationships, causing us to act desperate and clingy.

So, if you notice this pattern in your relationships, self-reflect or speak with a professional to uncover any past trauma that could be causing this.

3) Keeping your partner at arm’s length

A contrasting way that you could be sabotaging your relationships is by being too aloof and cold.

Sometimes, when we’ve been hurt before, we struggle to open our hearts to someone else. 

This hinders our ability to fully open up and experience intimacy, critical factors needed for a relationship to progress. 

While you most likely WANT to get close to your partner, you feel like something is blocking you. 

But if you cannot express your feelings to your partner, you will appear emotionally unavailable. They may think you are scared of commitment or simply not interested.

As you battle with your challenging feelings, you might also start blowing hot and cold. 

One day, opening up will feel easy and accessible, but the next day, your heart will feel stone cold again, causing you to back off.

This can be incredibly confusing to the other person. They might assume you are playing games or are just too immature for a relationship.

4) Being inauthentic 

Everyone wants to come across well on a first date. So, you might dial down some aspects of your personality to make an excellent first impression.

But as you get to know someone deeper, being 100% authentic is essential.

Now, if you struggle with self-esteem, you might believe that your real self is not good enough. As a result, you might continue trying to be someone you are not as you progress through the relationship.

Some common signs of this are:

• Pretending to be interested in your partner’s hobbies
• Hiding or giving up your real interests
• Trying to look or act like your partner’s exes

The problem with being inauthentic is that your partner doesn’t fall in love with the real you but the fabricated version you portray.

And, of course, you can only fake it for so long. Once your partner finds out, they will lose all trust in you and feel like you have deceived them.

5) Constantly criticizing

When we are unhappy with ourselves, we can unconsciously express this discontentment by finding faults in others.

In a relationship, this can look like:

• Always highlighting your partner’s flaws and never mentioning their qualities
• Complaining when they don’t do things the way you like
• Not showing appreciation for the things they do for you

People who are habitually critical of others give off an overall cynical and negative energy. 

Science has confirmed that all living things are capable of absorbing the energy of others. 

So, if you are giving off a lot of negativity, you’ll spread it to your partner. Once they realize you are the source of their low mood, they will not stay around for long. 

6) Starting arguments over small things 

Another thing that will send any sane person running a mile is someone who cannot control their emotions.

If you’re known to:

• Have anger outbursts over small disagreements
• Overreact to minor issues
• Refuse to forgive and continue to bring up your partner’s wrongdoings

Then, your relationship is never going to last. 

These behaviors make you look very emotionally immature and can be incredibly draining for your partner. 

According to psychologist Sarah Gingell, we overreact to things that trigger our subconscious beliefs or fears.

So, if you fly off the handle whenever you see your partner speaking to someone of the opposite sex, this could be due to a deep-set fear that they will be unfaithful – likely due to past infidelity. 

While we cannot reprogram our subconscious beliefs and fears overnight, emotional outbursts are incredibly harmful in relationships. 

So, if this is a pattern you’re guilty of, you must explore the root cause of your anger before getting into another relationship.

7) Being too agreeable

Do you always go along with everything your partner wants, never giving your own ideas and opinions?

If so, your relationship sabotage pattern could be this…

Being too agreeable.

People act too agreeable when they lack self-esteem. They believe the more they please their partner by doing what they want, the more loveable they will become.

However, it actually has the opposite effect. 

Being over-accommodating makes people lose respect for you as they think you’re incapable of thinking for yourself. It shows a total lack of personality and uniqueness.

Plus, according to psychotherapist Dr Chandni Tugnait, it can also create unequal power dynamics as every time you fail to assert yourself, you’re giving away your power. 

8) Keeping your options open

While cheating is a clear sign of relationship self-sabotage, you can also ruin your relationships just by having the intention to.

A typical example is continuing to use your dating profiles to see if “anything better comes up” or to have a “backup” in place should you get dumped.

You may do this out of fear that your partner will leave you, so you want to reduce the potential hurt by having someone else lined up.

However, if your partner finds out that you’re talking to other people or are still active on dating sites, this will most likely cause irreversible damage to the relationship.

So, if you have a habit of keeping your options open, even when you genuinely like your current partner, consider if it is worth it.

Final thoughts

Look, none of us are perfect. We may all display aspects of these behavioral patterns from time to time. 

But if you’ve been unsuccessful in love for a long time, and one or more of these patterns seems apparent in your dating history, this is a huge sign to stop and reflect.

When we enter a relationship feeling unworthy and insecure, we are setting ourselves up for more heartbreak. 

So before you jump into a new relationship, spend time building up your self-esteem, learning to love and accept yourself, and working through any past traumas holding you back.