If you recognize these 21 red flags, you’re dealing with a narcissist

“Self-love is one thing, narcissistic obsession is another” – unknown.

But how do we tell self-esteem from extreme self-absorption? And why do we need to make this distinction?

Experts say that a narcissist’s need for too much attention and admiration can force them into harmful behaviors. This need is strong enough that it can hurt themselves and the people around them.

Put simply, spotting narcissistic behavior is important as it empowers you to set up healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your own mental well-being.

Sure, the line between self-assurance and narcissism can be blurry at times. But if you recognize these 21 red flags, you’re likely dealing with a narcissist:

1) They’re consistent at being unapologetically full of themselves

Let’s start with the obvious: narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance.

But let’s get one thing straight: 

It’s never wrong to be proud of your successes and expect admiration. After all, you worked hard for them. But when someone constantly exaggerates their influence or role in positive outcomes, it becomes a red flag.

So if you have a partner who automatically credits themself for all your personal achievements, don’t just walk. Run! 

2) They live in their own fantasy

You know the line that says don’t believe everything you see on social media?

Narcissists want you to do the opposite. This is because social media is their playground, a world where they can create the power, beauty, and status they want. 

A warning light should go off if you know their real-life persona couldn’t be further from what they post online.

3) They dominate discussions

When they monopolize conversations, steer the topic back to their own stories, or they have absolutely no interest in what others are saying – that’s cause for alarm.

Fun fact: sociologist Prof Charles Derber actually coined a term for people like this, and it’s ‘conversational narcissist,’ aka red flag.

4) They need an entourage

Having people who follow you around isn’t just for mean girls in movies.

Narcissists love having their entourage, too. It’s a no-brainer, really:

Being surrounded by people who agree with everything you say is an instant ego boost, affirming a narcissist’s grandiosity.

5) They won’t stop pestering you

Narcissists love to use badgering as their way to gain control or assert their dominance.

Here’s what it looks like in everyday life:

• A colleague flooding you with emails to follow up on a request they made earlier in the day.
• An ex barraging you with text messages to get back together, even if you’ve already made it clear you’ve moved on.
• A relative’s unending request for favors – ignoring the fact that you also have other obligations and needs.

6) They have a short fuse

We all get those ready-to-lash-out days, especially under extreme stress. But you might have a problem if you’re around someone who’s quick to get angry whenever they fail to get what they want.

You know you’re dealing with a narcissist when they have a very low threshold for being challenged or not getting their way.

7) They’ve mastered the art of manipulation

Did you know using excessive flattery can sometimes be a narcissist’s tactic for manipulation?

Take someone who showers their boss with excessive compliments, for example.  You’d think they mean it, but what you need to see is that they’re doing this to secure special treatment (or a promotion even).

If you think flattery is the last thing you’d expect from a narcissist because they’re the ones hungry for praises, think again.

8) They play the victim card

If fake compliments don’t work, narcissists use the victim card.

Heads up!

If you notice them constantly using personal dramas (genuine or made up) to make you and others feel sorry for them, here’s what’s really going on:

This is their calculated attempt at gaining sympathy to exploit everyone’s kindness.

9) They use baby talk

This might sound strange, but keep reading.

Psychologists say narcissists may talk down on others using a tone a parent would use for their children. Apparently, this is known as infantilizing and is a way to treat others as less intelligent.

So, if you think they’re just being cute by using baby language, sorry. But that’s actually their way of demeaning you.

10) They play the shame game

Here’s what you need to know:

Shame is another tool used by narcissists to control people close to them.  Sad to say, this is common in parent-child or romantic relationships. 

Examples are parents who keep telling their children they’ll never be as good enough as their cousins. Or a partner who loves body shaming their significant other.

The shame they’re planting is essentially their remote control that they use any time they feel like manipulating or punishing you. It’s their way of making it harder for their victims to assert themselves or leave the relationship.

11) Selfies and tweets galore

In today’s digital era, some people make a living from multiple social media posts daily. And that’s a respectable hustle. 

But if the individual isn’t managing a brand or curating content for a living, yet they post selfies and tweets 100 times daily, that’s a different story. 

Apart from being their alternative reality, narcissists also love social media as a platform for fishing for compliments, likes, and of course those hearts.

12) They expect nothing less than special treatment

Narcissists have this very unreasonable belief that they are entitled to preferential treatment ALL THE TIME. 

So you should be seeing alarm bells when someone expects you to drop everything you’re doing everytime they call. 

13) They’re status-obsessed

Have you ever encountered someone who would only date or befriend people of a particular social status or tax bracket?

Some people label them as social climbers or gold diggers. But narcissists also do this, and they’re not necessarily motivated by money or social standing.

The reason behind their selective dating and networking could be as simple as feeding their need for validation, admiration, and attention.

14) They demand perfection

There are perfectionists, and then there are narcissists. 

Here’s what sets them apart:

Perfectionists are driven by their personal standards – so they try their best to be flawless in their work. Narcissists, on the other hand, demand perfection from those around them because they believe they deserve nothing but the best. 

See the difference?

15) Criticism triggers their rage

If they become unreasonably hostile when you provide them feedback, that’s a sure sign you’re dealing with a narcissist.

To a narcissist, there is no such thing as constructive feedback. 

To them, any negative feedback is a threat to their inflated self-image and a form of challenge to the superiority they believe they possess.

16) Gaslighting galore

You know you’re talking to a narcissist when they say things like:

•  “I only lied because you can’t handle the truth,” or
• “It’s complex, and I don’t think you’d get it,” and even
• “Sure, you did that, but it’s nothing compared to what I’ve done.”

Clearly, they love getting you to question your reality (and sanity) just so they gain the upper hand.

17) They’re painfully arrogant

Let’s imagine two separate dinner tables at a restaurant:

John volunteers to choose the wine for his group because, according to him, he has elegant taste when it comes to wine. 

Now, let’s look at table two, where Jake insists on picking the wine, coupled with a loud remark that his friends have cheap taste in drinks. 

You see, arrogance in itself doesn’t involve pinning others down. 

In contrast, narcissistic arrogance has to create inferiority in others to assert superiority.

18) They’re emotionally insensitive 

A narcissist is the one who gets annoyed at you for cancelling your date because you’re sick.

Here’s the thing:

It’s not that they can’t feel for you.

They just refuse to (or have difficulty doing it) because, again, anything that’s not about them is of no interest to them.

19) They’re a buzzkill

As if it weren’t enough that they can’t share others’ pain, narcissists also can’t seem to be happy for anyone other than themselves.

They’re the ones who’d say things like “these things rarely work” to a friend who just announced their engagement with their long-distance lover.

20) They’re apology averse

You may feel an apology is warranted after the narcissistic comment in #19, but don’t hold your hopes up.

Narcissists rarely apologize because that means admitting a flaw – something a narcissist believes they don’t have.

21) They’re blame shifters

Instead of apologies, narcissists point the blame on others. 

Think about it:

When they project their faults onto others, they make someone else flawed while maintaining their own ‘perfect’ self-image. It achieves the ultimate narcissistic desire – superiority over everyone. 

This is about you

That said, you don’t necessarily have to avoid narcissists altogether. 

Instead, like we said earlier, your awareness of these red flags are meant to help you defend yourself against the draining effects of narcissism.

So, while narcissists are all about themselves, this list is specially curated for you.

Think of it as cues to remind you to put healthy boundaries in play so you can protect your inner peace.