If you recognize these 7 signs, you’re secretly afraid of falling in love

There’s an official term for the fear of falling in love: philophobia.

While WebMD says doctors can’t diagnose the condition, playing Doctor House on yourself shouldn’t be too difficult.

Because, let’s face it, shuddering at the mere thought of intimacy is probably less a full-on phobia and more a reaction to some sort of ache chewing on your insides.

If you recognize these 7 signs, you’re secretly afraid of falling in love. Being aware of the symptoms is the first step to finding a cure.

1) You’re stuck in the past

Oh boy, that ex-partner really messed you up, right?

You opened up, you were vulnerable, you made plans. Then it all fell apart, and you got your heart broken.

Or maybe you did the breaking, and now you’re having major regrets.

Whatever the case, unresolved emotional baggage from past relationships can weigh heavily on your ability to embrace new love.

If you have lingering feelings of anger, hurt, or resentment, these can act as barriers that prevent you from fully engaging with someone new.

The problem is that these lingering feelings can take many shapes and forms.

Perhaps you’re still hung up on one of your exes. You’re afraid of repeating past mistakes.

Or, you’re simply hesitant to place your fragile heart in someone’s hands because you’ve worked so hard to piece it back together.

Which brings me to my next point.

2) You’re scared to trust someone new

While you can heal from wounds and build more fulfilling relationships, sometimes leaving the past behind is easier said than done.

If previous relationships have eroded your trust in others, it can be challenging to trust new people in the here and now.

You might fear that your new partner will hurt you just as someone did before, causing you to be guarded and distant.

Things are even trickier if the past relationship still causing you harm was traumatic, and your ex was toxic or abusive.

Similarly, if the relationship ended badly and your partner lied or cheated on you.

Consider speaking with a therapist who can help you process past experiences and develop coping strategies for moving forward.

You can’t let your dysfunctional ex cast a shadow over your bright romantic future.

3) Your actions don’t match your intentions

A couple of months after I broke up with my ex, I downloaded a dating app in the middle of the night, sure that I was ready to get back in the game.

I re-activated my profile, had some prosecco, swiped with good intentions, went to bed.

I woke up to matches and messages. But as I stared at my phone, all I felt was dread.

I realized that I was not ready for the whole shebang and decided to take extra time to process and make peace with that past relationship. A decision I haven’t regretted yet.  

You insist you want to fall in love, but are you doing all you can to ensure the odds are in your favor?

If not, your fear of falling in love holds you back, even if you fail to acknowledge it.  

Someone unafraid puts themselves out there.

While modern dating can feel like a nightmare with its array of mixed signals, real-life meet-cutes are becoming rarer in our increasingly digital world.

With a touch of luck, you may stumble upon someone special.

Whether through swiping, mutual friends, shared hobbies, or chance encounters, opportunities to meet someone are still out there.

Yet, embracing these opportunities requires a willingness to interact with the world with an open heart.

You’ll know you’re ready when you set up profiles on dating apps, ask friends to set you up, and keep your eyes open for potential cuties when out in public.

Until then, you may say you want love, but your actions don’t support that hypothesis.

4) You actively look for flaws

Maybe you’ve taken things one step further. You’re putting yourself out there and going on dates.  

Yet, you constantly talk yourself out of taking things to the next level.

You look for flaws, compare them to ex-partners, and find ridiculous excuses not to see them more often.

Stupid rationalizations I’ve used throughout my lifetime to convince myself that someone wasn’t for me:

• He lives in the opposite part of the city, it would be like being in a long-distance relationship (the city I live in isn’t that large)
• He doesn’t use emojis, I feel like he’s always mad or in a bad mood (girl, what?)
• He hasn’t heard of Nirvana, does he even know what music is? (judgmental much?)
• Mercury is in retrograde, so nothing good can come of this (I don’t even know what Mercury being in retrograde means)
• I’m going on vacation in two weeks, I don’t have the brain power to deal with a relationship at the moment (no idea what going on vacation had to do with anything)  

Not everyone is a good match.

But if you go out of your way to *not* get close to someone, your fear of falling in love may be the reason why.  

5) You pull away when things get serious

On a similar note, pulling out of a relationship when things start to get serious might signal a fear of intimacy.

It’s caution, you say.

It’s self-sabotage, I counter.

The first time they hold your hand in public, you fight the intense desire to run away.

The first time they invite you to hang out with their friends, you make an excuse not to.  

You’re vague about your future together and stingy with details about your past.

More importantly, you put up walls, and you don’t let your new boo break them down.  

Long story short, you’re secretly afraid of falling in love, and it’s causing you to miss out on rewarding connections.

6) You like to rely on yourself too much

It’s great to be self-sufficient.

That said, independence can also be a defense mechanism to shield yourself from emotional vulnerability.

Relying solely on yourself means avoiding the perceived risk of opening up to another person and potentially getting hurt.

If you’ve had negative experiences in past relationships, you might be reluctant to depend on others due to the fear of being let down.

By relying solely on yourself, you hold on to the illusion of having control over your life and emotions.

You’re not ready to give that up.

While your stance is valid and can be beneficial for a short time, it’s essential to realize that not everyone will let you down.

Some people enrich your life – but you must let them in if you want to reap the benefits.

7) You don’t consider yourself “worthy”

Low self-esteem makes you doubt your value and believe you don’t deserve love or affection.

This can give you the impression that others will reject you once they get to know you better, confirming your unworthiness.

As a result, you’re hesitant to open yourself up to potential romantic partners. It makes you feel like you’re setting yourself up for failure.

To be safe, you stay in your comfort zone and avoid emotional risks of any variety.

Auch.

Everyone deserves love and healthy relationships.

That includes you, just as you are right now.

You don’t need to get a better job, get in shape, move to a nicer apartment, learn how to cook and upgrade your wardrobe in order to “increase” your worthiness.

If you want to do all these things, do them for yourself.

The right person will love you without conditions.

Final thoughts

Not being ready for a new romance is perfectly fine.

In fact, rushing into love can lead to stress and problems in the long run.

Take time to reflect on what’s causing this fear and how it may affect your relationships.

Then, embark on a healing journey and emerge on the other side stronger, wiser, and ready to give commitment a chance.

By keeping people at arm’s length, you’re not allowing them to experience the real, messy you.

What a shame! I’m sure that person is awesome.