If your arguments always follow these 10 patterns, you’re in a relationship with a covert manipulator

You’ve been there — always on the losing end of arguments with your partner.

You scratch your head, wondering why it always seems like you’re the one who’s wrong.

You may even feel like you’re going insane, questioning your own judgment all the time.

If this has happened to you, you might be dealing with a covert manipulator.

But even if manipulation can be incredibly subtle, you may be more tuned in than you think.

In fact, you might already be picking up on patterns you haven’t consciously acknowledged.

That brings me to the meat of this article – patterns in arguments that could reveal covert manipulation.

Now, I’m not here to tell you to run for the hills if these patterns seem familiar. Relationships are complex and people can change.

But it pays to be aware, wouldn’t you agree?

Let’s dive right in and examine these patterns together.

1) They always play the victim

Picture this: You’re upset because your partner forgot your birthday.

When you bring it up, they suddenly turn the tables and accuse you of not appreciating all the other things they do for you.

They make you feel guilty for even bringing it up.

That, my friend, is playing the victim. It’s a classic move by covert manipulators.

2) They gaslight you

Gaslighting is a term you’ve probably heard thrown around a lot lately.

But did you know that it originates from an old movie where a man manipulates his wife into believing she’s going mad?

Personally, I have experienced this many times.

I once had a boss who would change her instructions midway through a project and then blame me for not following them correctly.

She’d say things like, “I never said that,” or “you must have misunderstood,” even though I was sure of what she’d said.

It’s the same in relationships.

If your partner consistently makes you question your memory or sanity, you’re being gaslighted. It’s a powerful manipulation tool that can make you doubt your own perceptions.

3) They use triangulation

Triangulation is a method of manipulation where another person, or even an object, is dragged into the scenario to create confusion or validate their point of view.

For instance, your partner might say, “Well, my friend agrees with me that you’re being unreasonable.”

Or they might compare you to an ex in a way that undermines your confidence.

What’s intriguing here is that this method has been studied extensively in psychology.

The term was actually first coined by psychiatrist Murray Bowen – it initially referred to a child trying to relieve tension between two parents.

Today, it’s used to describe any scenario where a third party is pulled into a dispute to tip the balance of power.

So if you find yourself frequently caught up in these kinds of situations, it’s time to take a closer look at your relationship dynamics.

4) They undermine your achievements

Imagine this: You’ve just landed a promotion at work. You’re brimming with excitement, ready to share the good news.

But when you do, your partner brushes it off or worse, criticizes something about it.

It’s like a punch to the gut, isn’t it?

But here’s the thing: your achievements are yours, and you have every right to be proud of them.

In a healthy relationship, your partner should be your biggest cheerleader, not someone who dampens your joy.

Undermining your accomplishments is subtle way manipulators keep you in check, making you feel like you’re always falling short.

5) They never apologize

Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human.

So if your partner can’t recognize their missteps and apologize, it’s not a sign of strength – it’s manipulation.

Why? Because healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. That includes acknowledging when we’ve messed up and saying sorry.

6) They use silent treatment as punishment

The silent treatment — it’s a manipulative tactic as old as time, and it’s incredibly damaging.

Your partner refuses to communicate with you, ignoring your attempts at conversation or reconciliation.

It’s their way of punishing you, controlling the situation and making you feel guilty or anxious.

This one took me a while to notice in a past relationship. My partner would go silent after arguments, leaving me feeling abandoned and unsure of how I had messed up.

The truth? Communication is key in any relationship.

The silent treatment is not a form of communication—it’s manipulation.

7) They’re always right

A manipulator has an uncanny ability to always be right, even when they’re not.

No matter what the argument is about, they twist and turn it until it seems like they had the upper hand all along.

In the world of psychology, this causes a phenomenon known as “cognitive distortion,” where a person convinces themselves of an untrue reality.

So if you find yourself making excuses for your partner’s bad behavior, convinced that you’re the one who did wrong even if you’re objectively right, that’s a sign that you’re with a covert manipulator.

8) They make you feel guilty

Guilt is another weapon in the arsenal of a covert manipulator. They know how to twist situations to make you feel guilty for things that are not your responsibility.

I had a friend who always managed to make me feel bad for not spending enough time with her, even when I was juggling work and personal responsibilities.

In a healthy relationship, your partner should understand and respect your needs and boundaries, not use them against you.

9) They invalidate your feelings

Ever had your feelings brushed off as “overreacting” or “being too sensitive”? That’s invalidation, and it’s a favorite tool of covert manipulators.

Because the truth is, a relationship should be a safe space for you to express your feelings without fear of judgement or dismissal.

Always remember, your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.

10) They keep you off-balance

Keeping you off-balance is a common tactic used by manipulators.

They create drama and crises to keep you in a state of constant upheaval, making it easier for them to control you.

It’s exhausting and unsettling, but when you’re in the thick of it, it can be hard to see clearly. If your life is a constant rollercoaster of drama and unpredictability, it’s time to take a step back and assess.

Final words

Remember that recognizing these patterns is the first step towards change.

You’re worth more than manipulation and control—you deserve respect and honesty in all your relationships.

Don’t settle for anything less.