6 important questions to consider before committing to someone

Dating is tough nowadays, so when you think you’ve found the one, you’re likely to consider taking the relationship to the next level. And in an ideal situation, you’d hope they’d feel the same way.

But committing to someone for the long-term involves considering many different factors, from their values, goals, and the way they interact with others. You don’t need to find someone whose ideals align entirely with yours, you just need to ensure they don’t differ that much.

If you’re seriously considering someone right now, why not ask them these questions? It’ll help you navigate your decision-making as their answers will reveal if they’re ready to commit to you too.

1) How do you manage your finances?

It may be surprising, but financial maturity doesn’t come with age. Someone older doesn’t necessarily mean they’re able to handle their finances well.

This is a really important question because it’ll not only impact their future, it’ll impact yours as well. If you’re savvy with your finances and save regularly, but they’re the type that spends as soon as their paycheck’s in their bank, this may pose problems in the long run.

You may be more risk-averse when it comes to investing, but they’re really into high-risk investments. It’s worth discussing these before you commit to them because their spending and investing habits will have a direct influence on you.

So I personally feel that this should be one of the first questions you ask if you’re considering committing to someone. 

And hey, in this economy? Better to find someone whose financial goals align with yours.

2) What are your life goals?

Now this is another big question because their decisions can either hinder or support your goals. I’ll just categorize this question into two broad sections – career and family.

•  Career

Where do they see themselves in their career in the next 5 or 10 years? Are they comfortable taking up a position overseas if the opportunity is given to them? 

If they’re in a really demanding job and you only get to see them just before you go to bed and sometimes, not even on the weekends, what are their plans for managing the relationship in the long run?

These are just some questions you can pose to them. For some people, their careers are everything to them – and this is perfectly okay because people have different priorities. 

The issue starts when they see the relationship as secondary to their success. If you’re someone who puts quality time above everything else, this can potentially be a dealbreaker.

• Family

Do they want to start a family? What is the timeline they’re looking at, if they want to have children? 

Since women have a biological clock, it’s key that they get this sorted out as soon as possible especially if they’re a bit older. Having a baby involves quite a bit of planning, so it’s important to find someone who’s committed to going all the way.

Usually, the issue of starting a family can also be a potential dealbreaker. You may love this person and want to start a family with them, but if they’re not willing to change their minds about children, don’t make yourself miserable by going along with their decision. 

It’ll suck now, but it’s better to find someone else who wants this than regretting it years later.

3) What is your relationship like with your parents?

You can usually tell a person’s character from the way they interact with their parents. I know people who allow their parents to influence their lives even though they’re close to 30. If you’re not okay with that, then you should talk this out.

I’ve heard couples breaking up because of how much control their partner’s parents want in the planning of the wedding, first home purchase, and even renovations. 

It would also be good to discuss interactions with each other’s parents and the role each party plays in this dynamic.

Committing to someone for the long term will inevitably bring your families closer together, so if you identify deep-seated issues between your partner and their parents that may pose challenges in the future, you may want to reconsider your decision. 

I’m not saying that this may not work out, but there may be a lot more effort and time required to manage the relationship. The question is whether or not you’re willing to go through with it.

4) How can we support each other’s personal growth?

Aside from strengthening the relationship between the both of you, pursuing personal growth as individuals shouldn’t be neglected. The good thing is that you potentially have someone who’ll spur you on.

So how can they do that? How can they show up in your life to give you better support in your personal growth? 

And do both of you agree with the other person’s ambitions? 

For example, I had a friend who wanted to become an entrepreneur. She would need to quit her job and depend on her husband’s income to manage their finances (they have two children) for a while. Their future would be full of uncertainty, as her business may or may not be successful. 

This involved careful budgeting and planning, and a lot of compromises. Thankfully her husband was very supportive but realistic as well. 

So he gave her a timeline to work with – if her business succeeded within this timeline, great. If not, she would have to find a full-time job, because they may not have enough savings (and he wasn’t earning a lot) to tide them through beyond that period.

Find someone willing to support you in your endeavors, and vice versa. 

5) Do our values align?

This is another key question because it involves several factors. Aside from the ones mentioned above, this also touches on your partner’s perspectives on religion, politics, and success. 

As our values influence the way we perceive the world, this also influences the way we approach different topics of discussion and how we interact with others.

Couples with differing values on key things are likely to experience frequent arguments. When dating, it’s easy to skirt around these issues.

But when you’re committed to the person, you may end up living together, your lives intertwine and it gets a bit more difficult to avoid these topics. 

Some of these can be deal breakers as well, so it’s good to work through these issues at the outset.

6) How do you manage conflict?

Ending off this article another important question. Learning how to manage conflicts well is crucial because if handled wrongly, can lead to a build-up of resentment over time.

Identify if your partner is conflict-avoidant, or confrontational. It’s important to work out how best to navigate future arguments or conflicts. Because you won’t be in the right headspace to think rationally when both of you are very angry.

Along the way, you will also have to work through difficult conversations. How will the both of you resolve these issues together in a way that will not result in the other person bearing a grudge?

Final thoughts

While this list is not exhaustive, it’s a start to opening up avenues for deeper discussion. You’ll understand your partner better and will get a clearer idea of what they feel about taking this relationship further.

During such discussions, it’s also good to listen to your gut. Trust your instincts, and watch their facial expressions and body language. If your heart tells you that the two of you aren’t on the same page and they aren’t interested in progressing further, it may be a good time for you to reconsider this person. 

I’ve seen friends feeling dejected after leaving their long-term relationships because they thought the other person would change. 

Life’s too short to spend a minute longer with someone who doesn’t want to give their 100%. It’s best to walk away than invest too much in a relationship only for you to feel disappointed. 

Remember to prioritize your happiness and I wish you all the best in finding the right one!