8 phrases people say to servers in restaurants without realizing how condescending they sound

We’ve all been there—sitting at a restaurant, watching interactions between diners and servers, and cringing at what we hear.

As someone who’s spent years working with people on communication and relationships, I’ve noticed how easily we can slip into patterns of speech that, while not intentionally rude, come across as condescending or dismissive.

The thing is, most people don’t even realize they’re doing it.

Restaurant servers deal with hundreds of customers, and they’ve heard it all.

What might seem like casual conversation or friendly banter to you could actually sound patronizing or disrespectful to someone who’s just trying to do their job well.

The truth is, how we speak to service workers says a lot about who we are as people.

It reflects our empathy, our awareness of social dynamics, and our ability to treat others with basic respect—regardless of their role.

Let’s explore some common phrases that might be landing differently than you intended.

1. “What do you recommend? I’m not picky.”

This one might surprise you, but telling a server you’re “not picky” can actually put them in an uncomfortable spot.

When you say this, you’re essentially asking them to guess what you might like without giving them any information to work with.

Are you vegetarian?

Do you have allergies?

What’s your budget?

They have no idea, but now they’re responsible if you don’t enjoy their suggestion.

It also implies that their recommendation doesn’t really matter since you’ll eat “anything.”

Instead, try being specific:

“I’m in the mood for something light” or “What’s your most popular pasta dish?”

This gives them something concrete to work with and shows you value their expertise.

2. “I’ll have the usual”

Here’s the thing—unless you’re a regular who comes in multiple times a week and always orders the exact same thing from the exact same server, they probably don’t know what your “usual” is.

This phrase puts servers in an awkward position where they have to admit they don’t remember you or your order, which can make them feel like they’re not doing their job well.

Even if you’ve been there a few times before, servers interact with dozens of customers daily.

Expecting them to memorize your preferences can come across as self-important.

Maya Angelou once said, “When we know better, we do better.”

Simply stating your actual order shows consideration for the server’s workload and helps the interaction flow smoothly for everyone involved.

3. “We’re ready whenever you are”

While this might sound polite on the surface, it can actually come across as passive-aggressive, especially when said with a certain tone or after you’ve been waiting a while.

The implication here is that the server should have been at your table sooner, and you’re doing them a favor by being patient.

It puts the focus on their timing rather than simply communicating your needs.

Servers are usually juggling multiple tables, dealing with kitchen delays, or handling other responsibilities that diners can’t see.

When you frame it as “whenever you are,” it suggests they’re the ones holding up the process.

A more straightforward approach works better:

“We’re ready to order” or simply making eye contact and giving a friendly nod when they look your way.

It gets the job done without the subtle judgment.

4. “You look like you could be my daughter/son”

This one makes me cringe every time I hear it.

While the intention might be to create a friendly connection, this phrase immediately establishes an unequal power dynamic that can feel patronizing.

When you comment on a server’s age or compare them to your children, you’re essentially positioning yourself as the authority figure and them as the subordinate who needs guidance or protection.

It can make young servers feel like they’re not being taken seriously as professionals.

I’ve worked with many people who struggle with boundaries in relationships, and this is a classic example of crossing professional lines without realizing it.

The server isn’t there to be your surrogate family member—they’re there to do their job.

Age-related comments can also make servers uncomfortable because they highlight the perceived power imbalance between customer and service worker.

Keep the conversation focused on the meal and service, not personal observations about their appearance or age.

5. “This isn’t what I ordered, but I’ll just eat it anyway”

This phrase might seem gracious, but it’s actually frustrating for servers and creates unnecessary tension.

When you say this with a martyred tone, you’re making the server feel guilty while also refusing to let them fix the problem.

From their perspective, they want to provide good service and make things right.

When you passive-aggressively accept the wrong order, you’re denying them the chance to do their job properly while also making it clear you’re unhappy.

Most restaurants want to correct mistakes quickly.

Servers would much rather take the dish back and get you what you actually wanted than have you sit there unhappy with your meal.

Being direct about errors isn’t demanding—it’s helpful.

Simply say, “I think this might be for another table” or “I ordered the salmon, but this looks like chicken.”

It’s honest, straightforward, and gives everyone a chance to make the situation right.

6. “Can you smile for me?”

This one should go without saying, but unfortunately, it still happens.

Asking someone to smile, especially when they’re at work and can’t easily walk away, is inappropriate and condescending.

Servers are people, not performers there for your entertainment.

They might be having a tough day, dealing with difficult customers, or simply focused on doing their job efficiently.

Demanding emotional labor on top of their actual work responsibilities crosses a line.

Brené Brown has noted that “We can’t selectively numb emotions.”

When we demand that service workers present a certain emotional facade, we’re ignoring their humanity.

Your server’s job is to take your order and bring your food, not to manage your emotional experience through forced cheerfulness.

If you want a pleasant interaction, model the behavior yourself.

Be friendly and respectful, and you’re likely to get the same energy back naturally.

7. “Make sure the kitchen gets this right”

When you tell a server to “make sure” the kitchen does something correctly, you’re implying they might not do their job properly otherwise.

It suggests that without your reminder, they’d be careless with your order.

This phrase treats the server like a messenger rather than a professional who knows how to communicate with their kitchen team.

It also implies that other customers’ orders might not get the same attention, which isn’t how restaurants operate.

The reality is that servers already communicate special requests, allergies, and modifications to the kitchen as part of their standard process.

They don’t need you to remind them to do their job correctly.

Instead of micromanaging, simply state your needs clearly:

“I have a shellfish allergy” or “I’d like the dressing on the side.”

Trust that they’ll handle the communication professionally—because that’s exactly what they’re trained to do.

8. “You probably don’t understand this, but…”

Starting any sentence with “you probably don’t understand” is condescending in any context, but it’s particularly problematic when speaking to service workers.

This phrase assumes the server lacks knowledge or intelligence based solely on their job.

You have no idea what their educational background is, what languages they speak, or what other expertise they might have.

Many servers are students, artists, or professionals working in restaurants temporarily or by choice.

Dale Carnegie wisely noted, “Talk to someone about themselves and they’ll listen for hours.”

But when you talk down to someone by assuming their limitations, you shut down any possibility of genuine connection or communication.

Whether you’re explaining a dietary restriction, a food preference, or anything else, lead with respect.

Say, “I need to avoid gluten” instead of “You probably don’t know what gluten-free means, but…”

The information gets across without the unnecessary put-down.

Final thoughts

Have you caught yourself using any of these phrases?

I know I have, and it’s always a humbling reminder of how our words can impact others without us even realizing it.

The thing about condescending language is that it often comes from a place of unconscious bias rather than malicious intent.

We might think we’re being friendly, helpful, or understanding, but the underlying assumptions reveal themselves through our word choices.

As I often tell my clients, awareness is the first step toward change.

Once you start noticing these patterns in your own speech, you can begin shifting toward more respectful communication.

Servers are professionals doing a job that requires skill, patience, and emotional intelligence.

They’re managing multiple tables, memorizing complex orders, and navigating kitchen dynamics—all while maintaining a pleasant demeanor with customers who range from delightful to difficult.

The next time you’re dining out, try approaching your server as you would any other professional: with courtesy, clear communication, and basic respect.

Not only will this create a better experience for them, but you’ll likely find your own dining experiences improve as well.

Small changes in how we speak can create ripple effects of positive interaction.

And honestly?

The world could use a little more kindness, especially toward the people working hard to make our lives more convenient and enjoyable.