If you want your grandparents to feel loved and cared for, say goodbye to these 8 behaviors

Last month, I watched my husband interact with his 85-year-old grandmother during our weekly visit.

He meant well, but something about his tone made me cringe. He was speaking to her like she was a child, using that sing-song voice you’d use with a toddler.

“How are we doing today, sweetie? Did we take our medicine?”

I could see the flash of irritation cross her face, though she said nothing. Later, she confided in me how much she hated being talked to that way.

That moment opened my eyes to how many well-intentioned behaviors actually push our grandparents away instead of bringing us closer.

We think we’re showing love and care, but sometimes we’re accidentally communicating disrespect or creating distance.

If you want your grandparents to truly feel valued and cherished, there are certain behaviors worth examining and releasing.

Here are eight common patterns that might be doing more harm than good.

1. Speaking to them like children

That sing-song tone I witnessed with my husband’s grandmother happens more often than we realize.

When we use baby-talk voices, call elderly adults “sweetie” or “honey,” or over-simplify our language, we’re falling into what researchers call “elderspeak“.

This infantilizing communication style creates real problems.

As noted by studies in behavioral journals, elderspeak is linked to increased resistance to care and significant communication breakdowns, particularly for people living with dementia.

Your grandparents have decades of life experience and wisdom.

They deserve the same respectful, adult conversation you’d have with anyone else.

Save the simplified language for actual children—not the people who raised your parents.

2. Letting months pass without meaningful contact

I used to convince myself that one long holiday visit made up for months of silence.

But research tells a different story about what our grandparents actually need from us.

Social isolation and loneliness in older adults are directly tied to higher rates of depression and even increased mortality risk.

Those marathon holiday conversations can’t replace the power of consistent, smaller connections throughout the year.

A five-minute phone call asking about their garden matters more than you think.

A quick text sharing a photo from your day creates ongoing connection.

Regular check-ins, visits, or shared activities—even brief ones—have far more impact on their wellbeing than sporadic intensive visits.

Your grandparents want to be woven into the fabric of your regular life, not just remembered during major holidays.

3. Taking over decisions they’re perfectly capable of making

Last year, I watched a family member order for her grandfather at a restaurant without even asking what he wanted.

He sat there quietly, but I could see his frustration building.

When we swoop in and make choices for our grandparents—what to eat, what to wear, how to spend their day—we think we’re being helpful.

But we’re actually chipping away at something crucial.

Overhelping quietly erodes autonomy and self-determination, which are key components for wellbeing in later life.

Even when tasks take them longer or they need some support, involving them in choices and supporting their independence boosts both mood and dignity.

Ask before you help.

Let them struggle a bit with decisions if that’s what they choose.

Their autonomy matters more than your efficiency.

4. Only visiting when you need something

We’ve all done this—reached out to grandparents mainly when we need a favor, advice, or help with something.

Maybe it’s borrowing money, asking them to babysit, or wanting family recipes for a special occasion.

But imagine how that feels from their perspective.

Every call becomes transactional instead of relational.

They start wondering if you actually enjoy their company or just see them as a resource to tap into when convenient.

This pattern sends an unintentional message that their primary value lies in what they can provide rather than who they are.

Your grandparents want to feel wanted for themselves, not just their usefulness.

Call them when nothing’s wrong.

Visit when you don’t need anything.

Share good news, funny stories, or simply check in because you’re thinking of them.

5. Dismissing their stories as “outdated” or irrelevant

I used to internally roll my eyes when my grandmother launched into stories about “the old days.”

Those tales about walking to school or rationing during wartime felt disconnected from my modern life.

But dismissing their experiences—whether through body language, changing the subject, or making comments about how “things are different now”—cuts off a vital part of who they are.

Their stories aren’t just random memories.

They’re lessons, wisdom, and the foundation of your family’s history.

When you show genuine interest in their past, you’re validating their entire life experience.

Ask follow-up questions.

Request details you’ve never heard before.

Let them teach you something about resilience, creativity, or problem-solving from their era.

Their “outdated” wisdom often holds surprisingly relevant insights for today’s challenges.

6. Focusing only on their limitations instead of their strengths

It’s easy to get caught up in what our grandparents can no longer do.

We notice the slower walking, the hearing difficulties, or the memory lapses.

But when every conversation centers on their decline or what they’re struggling with, we reduce them to their limitations.

Your grandparents are still whole people with interests, opinions, and capabilities.

Maybe they can’t drive anymore, but they still give incredible advice about relationships.

Perhaps their mobility is limited, but their sense of humor remains sharp.

Focus conversations on what they enjoy, what they’re curious about, or areas where they still excel.

Ask about their current interests rather than dwelling on past abilities.

Celebrate what they can do instead of mourning what they can’t.

7. Making assumptions about what they want or need

We often project our own fears about aging onto our grandparents.

We assume they want to slow down when they might crave adventure.

We think they need quiet when they’re longing for stimulation.

Maybe we decide they’re “too old” for technology, travel, or new experiences without actually asking them.

These assumptions rob them of agency and opportunity.

Your 80-year-old grandfather might be dying to try that new restaurant.

Your grandmother might want to learn how to video call her great-grandchildren.

Instead of deciding what’s appropriate for their age, ask what they’re interested in exploring.

Let them surprise you with their desires and capabilities.

Their age doesn’t automatically dictate their preferences or dreams.

8. Rushing through interactions because you’re “busy”

I remember checking my phone during conversations with my elderly neighbor, thinking I was multitasking efficiently.

But she noticed.

They always notice.

When we rush through visits, cut conversations short, or seem distracted during our time together, we communicate that they’re not worth our full attention.

Our grandparents often have more time than urgency in their lives now.

They savor conversations and connections in ways we’ve forgotten how to do.

Slowing down to match their pace isn’t inefficiency—it’s respect.

Put your phone away during visits.

Let conversations unfold naturally instead of checking items off a list.

Give them the gift of your complete presence, even if it means staying longer than planned.

Final thoughts

Changing these patterns isn’t about perfection—it’s about awareness.

I still catch myself slipping into some of these behaviors, especially when I’m stressed or rushing.

The difference is that I notice it now and course-correct.

Your grandparents aren’t asking for grand gestures or dramatic changes.

They want respect, consistency, and genuine connection.

They want to feel valued for who they are, not pitied for what they’ve lost.

The beautiful thing about relationships with grandparents is that small shifts create profound impact.

A phone call where you actually listen.

A conversation where you ask their opinion instead of assuming their limitations.

A visit where you’re fully present instead of distracted.

These moments add up to something much bigger—the feeling of being truly seen and cared for.

What’s one behavior from this list that you recognize in yourself, and how might you approach your next interaction differently?