7 things people raised by chaotic parents do to feel in control (without realizing it)

Growing up amidst chaos shapes you in ways you may not even realise.

When your parents are unpredictable, you learn to adapt and find ways to create a sense of control.

Unconscious habits are formed as a means to navigate the unpredictability. You might not even notice them, but these subtle actions and decisions offer a sense of stability amidst the turmoil.

In this article, we’re going to explore seven common things people raised by chaotic parents do to feel in control, often without even realising it.

From the way we communicate to the routines we establish, these behaviours are a testament to our resilience and adaptability.

These insights can be transformative, helping us understand ourselves better and hone our strengths.

After all, self-awareness is a stepping stone towards growth and change!

1) Overplanning

When you grow up with chaotic parents, predictability becomes a luxury. As a result, many of us tend to overplan everything in our lives.

From scheduling our days down to the minute to having backup plans for our backup plans, we find solace in structure.

It’s like building a fortress around ourselves, creating a sense of control amidst the uncertainty.

This overplanning often extends to every aspect of our lives—be it work, social outings or even our downtime—because it helps us prepare for any possible scenario and enables us to navigate through life without being caught off guard.

In truth, this is just our subconscious way of mitigating the unpredictability we experienced growing up.

It’s one of the ways we’ve learned to cope and create a semblance of stability in our lives.

However, it’s important to remember that while planning is good, overplanning can sometimes lead to unnecessary stress.

Acknowledging this tendency can help us strike a better balance between control and flexibility.

2) Seeking perfection

Growing up amidst chaos, I often found myself striving for perfection in everything I did: Be it schoolwork, hobbies or even tidying up my room, getting things just right gave me a sense of control that was otherwise lacking.

This pursuit of perfection, I later realised, was my way of creating order in a world that felt disorderly.

It was a coping mechanism, a way to assert control over the little things when the bigger picture seemed out of my hands.

For instance, I recall spending hours organising my bookshelf as a kid.

Every book had its place, arranged alphabetically by the author’s last name. It seemed insignificant to others, but to me, it was a small pocket of sanity in an otherwise unpredictable home.

As an adult, this tendency to seek perfection has carried over into my work and personal life.

It’s not always easy to shake off these old habits, but recognising them is the first step towards understanding why we behave the way we do and finding healthier ways to cope.

3) Constantly adapting

Chaos is a breeding ground for adaptability. When the environment is unpredictable, the ability to adjust quickly becomes an essential survival skill.

People who grow up in chaotic homes, therefore, often become masters of adaptability as they learn to read moods, anticipate issues and adjust their behaviour accordingly.

This constant state of vigilance can be exhausting but also equips them with a remarkable ability to navigate through life’s ups and downs.

Children who grow up in unpredictable environments are more likely to develop a keen sense of observation. This heightened awareness can make them excellent problem solvers and decision makers as adults.

However, it’s crucial to remember that constant adaptation can be draining.

Recognising this habit and finding ways to create a sense of stability can help alleviate the mental load that comes with it.

4) Craving routine

The unpredictability of a chaotic upbringing often leads to a deep-seated craving for routine in adulthood; the security and predictability of a routine can provide a comforting contrast to the disorder witnessed growing up.

This might manifest in strict morning routines, meticulous meal planning, or religiously adhering to a workout schedule.

These routines create a sense of control and order, offering a predictable structure in an otherwise uncertain world.

On the surface, these habits may seem rigid or even obsessive.

However, they are simply coping mechanisms developed over time to create a sense of security and predictability.

Recognizing this craving for routine can be an essential step in understanding our behaviours.

While routines can be beneficial, it’s also crucial to allow some flexibility. Life is unpredictable, and being able to adapt is just as important as having a routine.

5) Avoiding conflict

I’ve always found myself going to great lengths to avoid conflict.

Growing up, arguments and disagreements were a common occurrence and they often led to increased chaos and stress in the home.

So, I learned to keep the peace at all costs. This meant not voicing my opinion when it differed from others, walking on eggshells to not upset anyone, and sometimes even compromising my own needs for the sake of harmony.

As an adult, I’ve realised that this fear of conflict was ingrained in me from a young age as a way to maintain control in a volatile environment.

It was a defence mechanism, a way to keep the peace and reduce the chances of chaos erupting.

While avoiding conflict may seem like an effective strategy, it can lead to suppressed emotions and unfulfilled needs.

However, it’s okay to disagree and express your opinions. Healthy conflict can lead to growth, understanding and better relationships.

6) Overanalyzing situations

When you’re raised in a chaotic environment, you often find yourself overanalyzing situations as an adult.

This is because unpredictability forces you to be on your toes, constantly trying to anticipate what might happen next.

In an effort to avoid unpleasant surprises, you might find yourself dissecting conversations, reading too much into people’s actions, or worrying about future events that may never occur.

It’s like a mental chess game, always thinking several steps ahead to maintain control.

While this overanalysis can sometimes prove beneficial in problem-solving scenarios, it can also lead to increased anxiety and stress.

It’s important to recognise this pattern and work towards finding a balance between being prepared and overthinking. Letting go of the need to predict every outcome can bring a much-needed sense of peace and relaxation.

7) Seeking reassurance

When you grow up in a chaotic environment, the world can feel like an unpredictable and scary place.

As a result, seeking reassurance becomes second nature. You might find yourself needing constant validation that everything is okay, that your decisions are right, or that people aren’t upset with you.

This need for reassurance is rooted in the desire for stability and predictability.

It’s a way of checking that things are still within your control, that the chaos of your childhood isn’t about to resurface.

This constant need for validation can be exhausting, both for you and for those around you.

Keep in mind that it’s okay to trust yourself, though.

You’ve navigated through life’s unpredictability before and you can do it again.

Final thoughts: It’s about resilience

Navigating through a chaotic childhood isn’t easy, but it often fosters an incredible amount of resilience.

These habits, these coping mechanisms we’ve developed, are testament to our strength and adaptability.

From overplanning to avoiding conflict, these unconscious behaviours have been our ways of maintaining control amidst the turmoil.

However, it’s important to remember that these habits are not set in stone.

With self-awareness and understanding, we can choose healthier ways to cope and create stability in our lives.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step in this process and it’s okay if we don’t have it all figured out yet.

After all, growth is a journey, not a destination—we are not just products of our upbringing.