6 little things toxic people are simply incapable of doing, according to psychology

If you’re familiar with the classic 1984 movie The Toxic Avenger or the 2023 remake starring Peter Dinklage, you might have the wrong idea about what it means to be toxic.

In that film, the anti-hero character falls into a pool of toxic waste and becomes disfigured but also gains super strength. He spends the rest of the film exacting revenge upon the people who did him wrong in the past. 

Come to think of it, he’s actually got a toxic body and personality!

But when we think of toxic people normally, we need to focus on people who are consistently negative and who have regularly damaging effects on other people’s lives.

These are people who you need to avoid if at all possible. They might not be toxic to everyone, though, but for you, they’re just the wrong people to be around. 

They might make you feel bad about yourself or life in general. They might infuriate you, intentionally sabotage you, or even drive you to behave badly yourself.

That’s what they can do, but there’s a lot of things they can’t do. Most of these things involve behaving fairly, reasonably, and positively. 

Here are six little things toxic people are simply incapable of doing, according to psychology, that can make our lives miserable.

1) Respecting boundaries

Your boundaries are like the borders around a country. They keep you safe by controlling who and what gets in and blocking out the people and things you’re not OK with.

For example, I’m well aware that, as an introvert, I need space and alone time when I’m exhausted so I can recharge. I establish a boundary to let myself get this alone time when I need it and not let myself be pushed into social situations when I’m not ready.

People who respect me will respect this quirk, but toxic people will completely ignore this boundary, which represents my needs.

According to psychologists, “Toxic people disrespect emotional and physical boundaries. They disregard your autonomy and personal space.”

This was the case with a person I knew a few years ago. Ron was a real party guy and also a neighbor who lived nearby. He’d often text me and invite me out to let loose, and we often had a really good time.

But other times, he’d text, and I would be in R’n’R mode. I’d text back to say I needed some alone time as I was low on energy and didn’t feel like going out.

So, then he’d call, and out of politeness, I’d be forced to answer and listen to him go on and on about how we should go out. I’d still refuse and ask for a raincheck.

He’d say fine, but in a few minutes, he’d be ringing my doorbell, trying to almost physically drag me out. That’s when things stopped being fun.

Despite telling him exactly what I needed, he refused to respect my boundaries and always tried to force me to go out. 

In Ron’s mind, I was just being anti-social, and he was trying to help me feel happier by dragging me out. But it didn’t make me feel better.

Instead, I’d explained my needs to him a hundred times, and he just didn’t care. This friendship was becoming toxic, and I had to distance myself from him.

2) Putting others first

Toxic people can really struggle to care about others’ needs and put them first. 

They’re often characterized by “needing constant attention, being self-centered and self-absorbed,” and that can make them really hard to have relationships with.

Whether we’re talking about friendships, business associations, or romantic partners, successful relationships require give and take from both sides. 

While we might depend on people for support at some difficult points in our lives, we should also be prepared to give it when they need help. Likewise, we should celebrate their successes, and it’s normal to expect them to celebrate ours.

Sometimes, you need to put the other person’s feelings and interests first. Certainly not all the time, but you shouldn’t always put yourself first, either.

This is something that many toxic people struggle with. 

If they’re so self-centered and self-absorbed that everything comes back to them, they’re not going to be able to successfully maintain their relationships.

With Ron, it was all about what he wanted to do. He was a real party animal, going out three or four nights every week, and he wanted a party pal and a wingman to accompany him.

Notwithstanding my need for alone time, he also didn’t seem to notice or care that I couldn’t afford the time and money it cost to go clubbing that often. When I stopped going out with him, I was easily replaced, which showed me that the friendship had been all about his needs the entire time.

3) Being empathetic

A simple little thing like considering another person’s feelings shouldn’t be too much to expect, should it?

But according to psychology, this isn’t easy for a lot of toxic people. These are people “who are unwilling to entertain a point of view different from their own, who are incapable of imagining what it’s like to walk in our shoes.”

Empathy involves recognizing and relating to other people’s feelings and is a building block of almost all social interactions. If a person can’t recognize your feelings, they might end up doing things to hurt you inadvertently.

Worse, they might have logical empathy and be able to understand when things hurt your feelings but then do them anyway because they don’t care.

This is real toxic behavior that destroys tons of relationships every day.

4) Being trustworthy

Trust is crucial to successful social relations.

How can you be with a romantic partner who lies about where they go and who they see, or even if they’re faithful or not?

Why would you stay in a friendship with a person who constantly lets you down, flakes out, changes plans, and abandons you when you need them?

According to psychological studies, people who are truly toxic will manipulate other people’s trust or break it repeatedly.

They don’t see that trust is foundational in their relationships but instead see it as something they simply deserve.

But when they break trust enough times, people will abandon them.

5) Working well on a team

Teamwork involves trust, empathy, and consideration of others. 

It should come as no surprise, then, that toxic people are usually lousy at productive teamwork.

According to observations from the US National Defense University, team sabotage often happens because of toxic people “meddling to establish one’s personal power base, resulting in decreased cohesion and performance.”

Toxic people can be inconsistent, constantly changing their expectations and policies. They can also use dysfunctional communication like “withholding key information, sharing incomplete information, or sharing partial items of information resulting in each person having incomplete data”.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely worked on teams with people who did these exact things.

They were excellent at destroying the fabric of the team and causing conflicts. If those were the goals of these toxic people, they sure achieved them!

6) Resisting the urge to criticize

Some psychologists make a clear distinction between complaints and criticisms in relationships.

While a complaint might be about an action or a situation, a criticism is aimed at another person.

An example of what they mean is a situation where one partner stays out all night without contact.

The other partner might complain about this by saying, “I worried when you didn’t tell me where you were. I’d be a lot happier if you’d contact me.”

But they might instead turn this into a criticism, such as, “You didn’t contact me because you’re hiding something and lying to me. How am I supposed to trust you when you only care about yourself?!”

This kind of criticism can be toxic if it’s the normal way this person communicates. Their communication is all about blaming and attacking their partner’s core values.

So, how will it feel if you’re constantly criticized and told you’re a bad person for the things that you do? This kind of relationship, whether it’s a friendship, romantic partnership, or even a parent-child relationship, can be toxic.

Constant criticism can attack a person’s self-esteem and make them feel worthless.  

Dealing with toxic people

These six little things toxic people are simply incapable of doing, according to psychology, can add up to a big problem.

When we have toxic people like this in our lives, we can feel unnecessarily stressed and emotionally burdened. They can make us feel unimportant and unvalued.

It’s key to recognize toxic behavior and try to talk about it to solve it. But if you can’t, you may need to get these toxic people out of your life. No matter who they are, you don’t need them damaging your life and bringing you unhappiness.