8 conversation habits that make people secretly dread talking to you

Ever wonder why some conversations feel like pulling teeth? Or why certain people seem to suddenly remember urgent appointments whenever you start talking?

After 35 years in middle management, I’ve sat through more meetings, water cooler chats, and awkward elevator rides than I care to count. And here’s what I’ve learned: most of us have at least one conversation habit that makes others secretly wish they’d taken the stairs.

The tricky part? Nobody will tell you. They’ll smile, nod, and mentally plan their escape route. But once you recognize these habits in yourself (and we all have them), you can actually become someone people look forward to talking with.

1. Turning every story into a competition

Someone mentions their vacation to Florida, and you immediately launch into how your trip to Hawaii was so much better. A colleague shares their kid’s soccer victory, and you counter with your child’s three championships.

I used to do this constantly. Thought I was relating, building rapport. Then one day, after describing my “way worse” health scare to someone recovering from surgery, I saw their face fall. That’s when it hit me – I wasn’t connecting, I was competing.

People don’t share stories to be one-upped. They share to be heard. When you turn their moment into your spotlight, they learn to keep their moments to themselves.

2. Interrupting to finish their sentences

“Oh, you know what you mean is…” or “Right, so basically you’re saying…”

Do you know how frustrating it is to have someone constantly play verbal fortune teller with your thoughts? During my Toastmasters days, I watched a brilliant speaker lose her entire audience because she kept cutting people off during Q&A, assuming she knew where they were going.

Here’s the thing: even if you’re right about what they’re going to say, let them say it. The act of expressing ourselves is just as important as the message itself. When you rob people of that, they feel diminished.

3. Checking your phone mid-conversation

Nothing says “you’re not worth my full attention” quite like glancing at your screen while someone’s talking. And yes, even that quick peek at notifications counts.

I learned this the hard way when my daughter was telling me about a problem at work. I thought I was being subtle checking my phone under the table. She stopped mid-sentence and said, “Never mind, it’s not important.” It was important. I just made her feel like it wasn’t.

Put the phone away. Face down isn’t enough – the mere presence of it signals divided attention. If you’re expecting something urgent, say so upfront. Otherwise, give people the courtesy of your undivided presence.

4. Giving unsolicited advice constantly

“You know what you should do?” might be the most dreaded phrase in the English language.

Most people aren’t looking for solutions when they share their problems. They’re looking for understanding, validation, maybe just a sympathetic ear. But we jump straight to fix-it mode, armed with advice they didn’t ask for about situations we don’t fully understand.

My wife taught me this lesson years ago. She’d come home from her pottery class frustrated about something, and I’d immediately start problem-solving. Finally, she said, “I don’t need you to fix this. I just need you to listen.” Revolutionary concept, right?

5. Never asking follow-up questions

Someone tells you about their weekend trip, you say “cool,” and then launch into your own completely unrelated story. Sound familiar?

Conversations aren’t meant to be parallel monologues. They’re supposed to build, deepen, connect. When you skip the follow-up questions, you’re essentially saying, “Okay, enough about you.”

Try this instead: for every story someone shares, ask at least two genuine questions before sharing your own experience. “Where exactly did you stay?” “What was the highlight?” It shows you’re actually listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

6. Oversharing personal problems

There’s vulnerable, and then there’s dumping your entire emotional filing cabinet on someone who just asked how your weekend was.

We all need to vent sometimes, but when every conversation becomes your therapy session, people start avoiding you. They feel drained, not connected. I’ve watched colleagues literally take different routes to the coffee machine to avoid that one person who always has a crisis.

Share, but share appropriately. Match the depth of the conversation. Save the heavy stuff for close friends who’ve explicitly offered support, not the person making small talk at the dog park.

7. Never remembering what people tell you

“Wait, are you married?” to someone who’s mentioned their spouse five times. “Oh, you have kids?” to the colleague with family photos covering their desk.

When you repeatedly forget basic information about people, you’re telegraphing that they’re not important enough to remember. It’s like hitting reset on the relationship every time you talk.

I started keeping brief notes in my phone after conversations – just quick reminders like “Jim – daughter starting college” or “Maria – training for marathon.” Small effort, huge impact on relationship building.

8. Dominating with negativity

Every conversation becomes a complaint fest. The weather’s terrible, work’s awful, the world’s falling apart. You might think you’re being realistic, but what you’re really being is exhausting.

After my heart scare, I realized how much energy I’d been spending on negativity. My journal entries from that time are eye-opening – pages of complaints about things that didn’t matter. No wonder people seemed relieved when our conversations ended.

This doesn’t mean fake positivity. But when negativity becomes your default mode, people start protecting their own energy by limiting contact with you.

Final thoughts

Here’s the beautiful thing about conversation habits: they’re just habits. They can be changed. I’ve broken most of these myself, some recently, some still in progress.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness. Once you notice these patterns in yourself, you can catch them, adjust, and slowly become someone people genuinely enjoy talking with. And trust me, the difference in your relationships will be dramatic.

Because at the end of the day, good conversation isn’t about being interesting – it’s about being interested. It’s about making others feel heard, valued, and understood. Get that right, and you’ll never eat lunch alone again.