People who lack resilience probably had these 10 experiences growing up

Life is a rollercoaster ride, filled with twists, turns, and unexpected surprises. Some experiences build us up and some knock us down, but it’s our ability to bounce back that truly defines us.

Reflecting on your own resilience or lack thereof might lead you back to your early years.

There’s an undeniable link between our childhood experiences and our adult attributes. You may wonder if certain experiences growing up played a significant role in shaping your ability to handle life’s challenges.

But how can you identify those experiences that might have contributed to a lack of resilience? What are the markers that could indicate you’re carrying baggage from your past?

After mulling over my own past and the upbringing of those around me, I’ve compiled a list of 10 experiences that individuals lacking resilience often seem to share.

If you find yourself nodding along as you read, it might be time to confront these past experiences and work towards building a stronger, more resilient self.

1) Overprotection

Did you know that the word “helicopter” has been used to describe certain parenting styles?

Just as a helicopter hovers above, “helicopter parents” are always hovering over their children, ready to swoop in and rescue them from any hint of difficulty or discomfort.

This overprotective environment can stunt the growth of resilience. Resilience is built through experiencing life’s ups and downs, not by avoiding them.

Children who are overly protected may not have been given the opportunity to face challenges, learn from their mistakes or deal with failure. This can result in a lack of coping mechanisms when they encounter difficulties later in life.

It’s like trying to learn how to swim without ever going into the water. It’s simply not possible. 

2) Excessive praise 

It may seem counterintuitive, but an environment where a child is overly praised can also contribute to a lack of resilience.

While it’s important to acknowledge a child’s accomplishments and provide them with a safe, nurturing environment, excessive praise can lead to the development of unrealistic expectations and a skewed perception of the real world.

Balance is key. It’s important to provide positive reinforcement and a safe space for children while also allowing them the freedom to make mistakes, face difficulties, and learn how to overcome them.

This will help them develop into resilient adults who can handle life’s ups and downs with grace.

3) Lack of emotional validation

One of the key building blocks of resilience is the ability to understand and manage our emotions.

This is a skill that’s typically learned in childhood, often through the validation of our feelings by those around us.

Growing up with caregivers who dismiss or ignore your emotions can have a profound impact on your ability to develop resilience. If you’re constantly told that you’re overreacting, or that your feelings are wrong or unimportant, it can be hard to trust your own emotional responses.

Remember, resilience isn’t about ignoring your emotions, but rather understanding them and knowing how to navigate through them.

Without emotional validation in childhood, it’s like trying to navigate through an unknown territory without a map.

This lack of emotional validation can lead you to struggling with understanding your own feelings, making it difficult for you to bounce back from emotional setbacks in adulthood.

4) High levels of family conflict

The home is supposed to be a safe haven, a place where you can retreat from the challenges of the outside world.

But for some, home may have been a battlefield filled with arguments, tension, and anger.

Children who are constantly surrounded by tension, anxiety, or chaos may become ‘hyper-alert’, always on edge and ready for the next stressful event to occur.

Growing up in such a high-stress environment can lead to feelings of insecurity and instability. Instead of learning how to adapt and recover from difficult situations, these children might go into a state of constant survival mode.

 This survival mentality can cause individuals to internalize this turmoil, making it difficult for them to handle stress and conflict in a healthy way as they get older.

In essence, a high-stress environment during childhood can set the stage for a lifetime of anxiety and difficulty in developing resilience. It also often leads to this next experience…

5) Living in constant fear

Growing up in a state of constant fear, whether it’s due to physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, or living in an unsafe environment, can greatly impact a person’s ability to develop resilience.

Such fear has a way of seeping into the psyche, creating a lingering state of anxiety and trepidation that can extend well into adulthood.

This anxiety can make it difficult to face challenges head-on, as the individual may be too afraid of potential negative outcomes.

Living in constant fear can also lead to the development of defensive mechanisms that inhibit resilience. These might include avoidance, denial, or even aggression as a method to cope with potential threats.

Acknowledging that you lived in fear and understanding its impact on your life is an important step towards healing.

It’s crucial to remember that it’s okay to seek help and support in overcoming these fears and building resilience.

6) Lack of supportive relationships

For children growing up, supportive relationships are a safe harbor, a place to learn about trust, empathy, and love.

But what happens when that support is missing?

Growing up without supportive relationships can make the world seem like a very cold and lonely place. 

If you are one of those children who didn’t have these supportive relationships, you might find yourself growing up to struggle to develop resilience.

Without the reassurance that it’s okay to fail and that there’s someone there to help them back up, you may become an adult who’s afraid of taking risks or facing challenges.

7) Lack of autonomy

Autonomy is another crucial factor in developing resilience. It’s about having the freedom to make decisions, take risks, and learn from the outcomes.

Autonomy gives us a sense of control over our lives and helps us develop problem-solving skills.

However, children who are not given the opportunity to make their own choices or take risks can struggle with building resilience.

They may become overly dependent on others to make decisions for them, or they may fear taking risks because they’ve never had the chance to learn from their mistakes.

If you were one of those kids who were always told what to do, what to think, how to behave, you might find yourself being given no opportunities for trial and error, no space for exploration or curiosity.

This kind of environment can stifle your growth and impact your ability to bounce back from adversity.

8) Being the ‘star child’

While it may seem like being labeled the ‘star child’ or ‘golden child’ in a family is a blessing, it can sometimes bear heavy consequences on an individual’s resilience.

Being the star child often comes with high expectations and pressure to maintain a certain image. The fear of losing this status or disappointing those who hold them on a pedestal can lead to an intense fear of failure.

This fear of failure can hinder the development of resilience, as the individual might avoid taking risks or stepping out of their comfort zone.

Additionally, being constantly in the spotlight can also lead to a lack of self-awareness and self-reflection, both of which are key components of resilience.

When you’re always being praised, it can be hard to recognize your flaws and areas for improvement.

The ability to face adversity and bounce back stronger is not determined by how many times you’ve been applauded, but by how many times you’ve learnt from your failures.

It’s important to understand that it’s okay not to be perfect and that learning and growing from our mistakes is what truly makes us resilient.

9) Prolonged exposure to constant criticism and negativity

Growing up in an environment filled with constant criticism, pessimism, or hostility can be incredibly damaging. It’s like living under a dark cloud that distorts your view of the world and yourself.

If your memories of childhood are riddled with instances of being criticized or put down, it can lead to a lack of self-confidence.

Constant criticism can make you question your abilities and worth, and this self-doubt can seriously hamper your resilience.

This negative internal dialogue makes it incredibly difficult for you to see challenges as opportunities for growth as you constantly doubt yourself and expect the worst outcomes.

Resilience requires hope and optimism – the belief that things can get better and that you have the ability to overcome adversity.

But when you grew up in a sea of constant criticism and negativity, holding onto hope and maintaining an optimistic outlook can be a real struggle.

10) Early life responsibilities

Sometimes, life doesn’t afford us the luxury of innocence and slow-paced growth. Some children find themselves shouldering adult responsibilities far too early, forced to grow up before their time. 

When children are thrust into adult roles – whether it’s taking care of siblings, working to support the family, or managing household tasks – they’re often robbed of the chance to fully experience childhood.

They miss out on the freedom to make mistakes without major consequences, and the opportunity to learn how to navigate the world at their own pace.

This premature exposure to adult responsibilities can result in a relentless inner pressure to be perfect and never fail.

It can create a fear of taking risks and making mistakes, which are integral parts of learning and growth. It can also lead to an inability to cope with failure or setbacks, which are inevitable parts of life.

Recognizing this aspect of your upbringing and acknowledging its impact on your resilience is a painful but necessary step towards healing and growth.

Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay to not have all the answers, and most importantly, it’s okay to give yourself permission to grow at your own pace.

Final thoughts: It’s not set in stone

Our childhood experiences might shape us, but they don’t define us.

Yes, the experiences we’ve discussed can impact resilience. But remember, resilience isn’t a fixed trait; it’s a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned and developed.

Being aware of the roots of your struggle with resilience opens the path to growth. It’s never too late to learn, to adapt, and to cultivate resilience.

You have the power to rewrite your narrative, to learn from your past, and to build a resilient future.