10 phrases happy couples never use in the heat of an argument

Let me guess.

There’s trouble in paradise. You and your significant other keep butting heads, running into misunderstandings and disagreements, and struggling to sort out your differences.

Don’t worry. At some point, all couples go through the very same process.

The honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever, after all, and once you’ve known each other for quite some time, various issues and conflicts will naturally rise to the surface.

The success of a relationship isn’t determined by how many disagreements you have. It’s all about how you approach those bumps in the road and whether you manage to overcome them as a team.

And the way you talk to each other in the heat of an argument is a vital part of that.

Here are the 10 phrases happy couples never use when they’re fighting – even when they’re very angry.

1) “You always/never do this!”

Generalizing. Making sweeping statements.

Let’s just admit it. You and I both have done it at some point or another.

People love to categorize behaviors and personality traits into neat little boxes, and so if your partner doesn’t take the trash out twice in a row, you might automatically resort to saying, “You never take out the trash!”

The issue is that there is a difference between addressing one singular issue (“It bothers me that you didn’t take the trash out yesterday”) and making a general statement (“You always forget to do X and Y”).

The first targets the issue in question, allowing for a productive and efficient discussion about the matter at hand. The latter attacks the other person by distorting their behavior, automatically placing them on the defensive.

As a result, your partner might get angry (“What do you mean? That’s completely untrue!”), and before you know it, you’re blaming each other for everything that’s ever gone wrong in your life.

Happy couples don’t use “always” and “never” when bringing up issues or arguing. Their main focus is on specific actions that need to be addressed.

2) “Oh, because you’re so perfect!”

Here comes another phrase that only makes things worse – a phrase that’s all about twisting the narrative and attacking your partner in order to make your own mistakes seem less serious.

Imagine your significant other has brought up a legitimate concern about your behavior from yesterday.

Instead of hearing them out, you get defensive and say, “Oh, because you’re perfect, aren’t you? How about the time you…”

And there you go, dredging up grudges and mistakes that should have been left in the past.

The problem here is that shifting the focus of the conversation to your partner’s mishaps doesn’t make your own mistakes go away, and what’s more, it makes your partner feel misunderstood, unheard, and like they can’t come to you with any issue lest you flip out.

Always try to stay on track. Acknowledge your mistakes, take accountability for your actions, and if something’s bothering you, too, wait until your partner’s concern is sorted (since they brought it up first).

3) “Everything I do is wrong!”

When confronted with negative feedback, some people feel so uncomfortable that they blow it all out of proportion.

“God, everything I do is wrong, isn’t it? I’m a terrible boyfriend/girlfriend, just say it!”

While this is a kick reaction for many of us – we don’t really mean to manipulate the other person, we’re just acting from a wounded place – the phrase does have a manipulative function.

It places the other person in a position where they have to defend their love for you instead of coming to some sort of resolution, completely flipping the power dynamic on its head.

Happy couples try not to escalate problems. On the contrary, their instinct is to approach each issue with a problem-solving mindset and move past it in an effective way.

4) “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”

Escalating problems isn’t ideal, but dismissing your partner’s concerns and invalidating their emotions is just as bad.

When you roll your eyes and say, “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Just chill out,” it does the complete opposite of what you’re trying to achieve – it riles your partner up even more.

This is because they feel that their emotions are being invalidated and that you’re not putting in any effort to hear them out and gain a genuine sense of understanding.

Do you know what the key to a happy relationship is?

Respect.

And when you respect your partner, you take their concerns seriously. Full stop.

5) “Why can’t you just move on?”

Sometimes, couples run into the same issue over and over again – either because one of you keeps repeating the same mistakes or because one of you can’t let go of what’s happened in the past.

If you find yourself in the latter scenario, asking your partner why they can’t just move on and stop bringing up the past is… not very effective, to say the least.

Sure, it’s upsetting to constantly go over the same issue over and over again. Sure, it’s possible that your partner truly does need to move past what’s happened.

In many cases, however, the primary reason why someone can’t let a specific problem go is that they still feel it hasn’t been fully resolved.

You may have apologized, but if you didn’t give your partner the time of day to genuinely talk through everything and understand them on a deep level, the issue may continue to plague them for months.

“Why can’t you just move on?” isn’t the right question to ask.

“How can I help you resolve this and move on?” is much better.

6) “I don’t have time for this!”

Here’s the thing. Your romantic relationship is one of the most important aspects of your life. It is a huge investment of your time, energy, and feelings.

And when a disagreement occurs, the last thing you should do is prioritize other things and let your partner drown in their misery and frustration.

Therefore, happy couples always aim to solve their conflicts as soon as possible so that they can both move on and not let their relationship troubles interfere with other responsibilities they have going on.

And if a two-hour conversation is what’s needed to get to the bottom of it all, so be it.

Your partner should always feel like you genuinely care about them and the well-being of the relationship.

Of course, you can’t be there for your significant other 100% of the time – if they pick a fight ten minutes before you have to go to work, you really don’t have time to argue – but if possible, do try to carve out some time for a productive discussion.

7) “What’s wrong with you?”

Here’s a question for you. What’s the best way to make your significant other feel terrible?

Treat them like something’s wrong with them. Like they’re crazy. Like what they say or how they act is so incomprehensible that no one would ever be able to understand them.

“What’s wrong with you?” wraps all of that in a nice little package of maliciousness.

…which is exactly why happy couples don’t use that phrase. At all.

Making your partner feel crazy completely invalidates their emotions, and what’s more, it’s a blatant sign of disrespect from your side.

8) “Look, just calm down”

Have you ever seen anyone calm down after they’ve been told to calm down?

Yeah, me neither. That’s because the phrase ultimately doesn’t work.

When you tell somebody to “just calm down”, they will feel as if:

• All you want is to have the argument over with and not actually understand them better
• Their feelings are an inconvenience to you
• You don’t take them seriously

All of those will contribute to a general sense of feeling misunderstood and invisible, which will give rise to resentment and bitterness, which will slowly poison the relationship.

Not great.

9) “That’s just who I am, take it or leave it”

There are certain things we can’t change about ourselves. 

I love being silly and playful, for instance, and if I were dating someone who takes themselves very seriously, we’d be an obvious mismatch.

However, a great deal of stuff can be worked on and fixed in order to make a relationship work.

And if you refuse to work on those issues just because “this is who you are”, you’re letting your partner know you lack the flexibility and the willingness to make compromises.

Not only that but giving your partner an ultimatum – either you accept my selfish behavior or it’s over for us – is a very manipulative and insensitive way to tackle problems.

If your partner brings up an issue that can be easily worked on, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t try to pull your weight.

10) “That’s it, I’m done!”

Finally, only ever break up with your partner if you genuinely mean it.

A breakup is a massive decision that needs to be carefully considered. It’s not something you just blurt out in the heat of an argument.

Your words have weight. Once they’re out, you can’t take them back. Tread lightly.