10 phrases narcissists use to manipulate and control those around them

Have you ever interacted with someone who always manages to steer the conversation back to themselves?

Or perhaps you’ve been in a relationship where your feelings were constantly invalidated?

If these experiences sound familiar, you might have been dealing with a narcissist.

As you might have observed, they’re the type who seem to think the world revolves around them. 

On top of that, narcissists are skilled manipulators. And if you don’t know what to watch out for, you can so easily fall into their trap.

But you can stay a step ahead by getting to know the subtle signs a narcissist uses to control and influence those around them.

One of those is their speech patterns. You see, narcissists use certain phrases to manipulate people.  

Recognizing these phrases is the first step towards understanding their behavior and protecting yourself from emotional harm.

1) “You’re just too sensitive.”

One of the most common phrases you’ll hear from a narcissist is an accusation of you being overly sensitive.

It’s a classic tactic used to manipulate and invalidate your feelings or concerns. By making you question your emotional reactions, they divert the focus from their own inappropriate behavior and place the blame on you.

Imagine sharing your feelings about a hurtful comment they’ve made, only to be met with, “You’re just too sensitive.”

Not only are they dismissing your feelings, but they’re also subtly implying that the issue lies with you and not with them.

As in, YOU are the problem, not them.

It’s a cunning way of avoiding responsibility and maintaining control.

This phrase can leave you second-guessing yourself and may even lead you to suppress your feelings in the future to avoid such confrontations.

2)”You’re overreacting.”

Another phrase that narcissists often use to manipulate is accusing you of overreacting, which is very similar to “You’re just too sensitive.”

Just like the first phrase, it’s designed to make you question your feelings and reactions and make it easier for them to control the narrative.

I remember when a friend of mine would consistently arrive late for our meet-ups. Each time, I would be left waiting, sometimes in the cold or rain.

When I finally gathered the courage to confront her about her disrespect for my time, her response was, “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”

This phrase made me second-guess my feelings. Was I truly overreacting? Was I making a mountain out of a molehill?

But as I reflected on the situation, I realized that I wasn’t overreacting at all. I just wanted some respect and consideration, which I deserved.

Understanding that “you’re overreacting” is a manipulation tactic used by narcissists can help you hold firm in your feelings and reactions.

You have every right to feel what you feel, and no one should tell you otherwise.

3) “I don’t remember that happening.”

Selective memory is another common tactic used by narcissists. And believe me, it’s downright infuriating.

I was once in a relationship with a guy who used this phrase often. When I’d call him out on his poor behavior, he’d turn right around and feign amnesia. 

How do you get anywhere with that, right? There’s no accountability at all.

Again, it’s about invalidating your feelings. It’s a subtle way of saying that if it’s not in their memory, it didn’t happen.

And if they’re extra skilled, you might even end up doubting your own memory.

Don’t be misled – just because someone claims not to remember an event doesn’t make your experience of it any less real or valid.

You know what truly happened, so don’t begin thinking it was all in your imagination. 

4) “I was just joking.”

Narcissists also often use the guise of ‘jokes’ to put others down. Then, when confronted, they deflect with, “I was just joking.”

Or, “Can’t you take a joke?”

As if you’re once again overreacting and have no sense of humor. 

I think that you know when a joke has a malicious undertone to it, right? So if your gut tells you that that wasn’t a well-intentioned joke, listen to that. 

Don’t let them fool  you into thinking that you’re a humorless and too-serious person. 

5) “You’re just jealous.”

Another thing narcissists are good at is projection. So, they often project their own feelings onto others as a manipulation tactic.

For instance, they might accuse you of being jealous when you express concerns about their behavior. This projection is a way of dismissing your valid feelings and making you feel guilty or insecure.

If you question their need for constant admiration or attention, they might retort with, “You’re just jealous.”

How does this phrase work for their benefit?

Simple – it deflects the focus from their problematic behavior and instead puts you on the defensive.

6) “No one else has a problem with this.”

This is a prime example of comparative manipulation.

The goal here is to make you feel isolated in your concerns or feelings. Like you’re the odd one out -everyone else is okay with their behavior, so the fact that you’re not…

…Who’s the problem? Definitely you, not them. That’s the message they want to send with this phrase. 

As if you’re unreasonable or overly critical.

As underhanded as it is, you can’t deny the genius behind this. Because when you think about it, no one wants to be the odd one out.

Anyone who uses this phrase knows how we humans are inherently social creatures who often gauge ‘normality’ based on the majority’s opinion – and can use that to their advantage. 

7) “If you really cared about me…”

Now, let’s go into the phrases that use guilt as a manipulative tactic.

Narcissists might use “If you really cared about me…” to coerce you into doing something that serves their interests, even if it goes against your own comfort or values.

Going back to that past relationship I had, this is one phrase he also often used. And he used it a lot.

“If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t question my decisions.”

“If you really cared about me, you’d stay home with me.”

“If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t bring up this issue.”

Fortunately, I got fed up with all that soon enough. And I got out early enough. 

The way I see it, caring about someone doesn’t mean agreeing with everything they say or do. And definitely, a respectful person would never place conditions on your relationship.

Recognizing this can help you set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

8) “I’m the victim here.”

While we’re on the topic of guilt, another area narcissists are experts at is playing the victim card.

By portraying themselves as the victim, they can manipulate others into sympathizing with them and overlooking their harmful behavior.

For example, they might twist a situation where they’ve hurt you to make it seem like they’re the one who’s been wronged.

This tactic can be very confusing and emotionally draining. Hopefully, you see through it and spare yourself all the drama and manipulation.

9) “You owe me.”

Narcissists also often use a sense of obligation to manipulate and control others.

They might remind you of past favors or good deeds to guilt-trip you into accommodating their demands.

For instance, they might say, “After everything I’ve done for you, you owe me this.”

This phrase is designed to make you feel indebted and therefore more likely to submit to their wishes.

However, healthy relationships are not about keeping score or using past favors as leverage.

10) “You’re nothing without me.”

Finally, one of the most damaging phrases of all.

It suggests that you’re dependent on them, and it works to undermine your self-confidence and make you feel powerless.

Why do narcissists use this? Because they want to make you question your worth and what you’re capable of.

For the ultimate goal of maintaining control over you. If you don’t believe you can make it without them, you’ll stay with them.

I’d just like to say, if you hear this phrase – run. Your worth is not defined by anyone else but yourself.