9 phrases that expose a toxic person, according to psychology

Human interaction is like a puzzle. Some people add a positive spark to our lives. Others suck our energy like vampires. Think truth benders, clout chasers, or ‘victim card’ players.

‘Toxic people’ are what we usually call the people in the latter group. They don’t easily show their true colors, but it’s not impossible to see through them before they could drag you into a pool of emotional quicksand. 

Like a linguistic acrobat with a Ph.D. in manipulation, a toxic person tends to give themselves away through a repertoire of phrases that could make a snake oil salesman blush. 

Now, let’s check out the top 9 phrases that serve as neon signs pointing directly to the toxic big top, according to psychology.

1) “You’re too sensitive”

“You’re too sensitive” is one of the most commonly used phrases by manipulators. 

 This phrase is often used by toxic individuals as a form of emotional manipulation, according to psychology. It’s a classic gaslighting tactic. 

Gaslighting is a manipulative strategy used to make someone question their own feelings or reality. In essence, it’s an attempt to destabilize and delegitimize a person’s feelings or concerns.

When someone tells you that you’re too sensitive, they’re not acknowledging your feelings. Instead, they’re dismissing them. They’re invalidating your emotions and experiences.

That’s not all. This tactic also allows the toxic person to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame on you.

2) “I’m just being honest”

“I’m just being honest” is the classic cloak of toxicity used by people who confuse bluntness with a license for unfiltered brutality.

Honesty is the best policy. True. But it’s the worst if it’s used as a cover for insensitive behavior. I’m pretty sure we all have one of those people in our lives – the unabashed straight-talker.

I remember a friend who would constantly criticize me under the guise of honesty. She’d make insensitivity comments about my appearance, my job, my life choices, all followed by “I’m just being honest” to justify her lack of filter.

It’s so unfair. I never asked for her input, but I didn’t get to be upset either.

Psychologists tells us that this is a form of manipulation. It’s a way for toxic people to put people down while maintaining a veneer of innocence.

The truth is, brutal honesty is needless brutality – or plain toxicity. There’s a world of difference between constructive criticism and making someone feel bad about themselves.

3) “I don’t see what the big deal is”

“I don’t see what the big deal is” is the go-to disguise for toxicity. Here’s why. 

It’s the verbal equivalent of a shoulder shrug – a linguistic eyeroll – that manages to simultaneously dismiss your concerns while making you the drama queen.

It makes you look like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, while they still maintain a mature and rational perspective. 

This phrase is actually a form of minimization, a psychological term referring to the act of reducing the significance of an event or emotion.

Minimization can be damaging because it invalidates genuine feelings and can lead to a sense of helplessness or worthlessness.

Interestingly, a study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that emotional invalidating behavior like this can cause significant emotional distress and even physical health problems over time.

4) “Can’t you take a joke?”

Ooh I hate this one!

The classic quip of the toxic jester: “Can’t you take a joke?” is the verbal escape hatch used by those who believe humor is a get-out-of-jail-free card for any verbal shenanigans. 

If anyone thinks that laughter is the perfect excuse to make a person a laughingstock, they’ve probably never heard of the infamous Oscars slap. Even stand-up comedians, who make a living by punning, know they should think twice before punching down in humor. 

The truth is: humor should never be used as a disguise for disrespect. If a joke makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s not because you can’t take it, but because the joke was inappropriate.

When confronted with the question, “Can’t you take a joke?” respond with, “Not when it’s in poor taste.”

5) “You’re just jealous”

The phrase “You’re just jealous” is another common tool used by toxic individuals. This statement is usually thrown out when you express concerns or disagreement with their actions.

By accusing you of jealousy, the toxic person is attempting to deflect your concerns and invalidate your feelings. It’s a way of turning the tables and making you the problem, rather than addressing the issue at hand.

This phrase is essentially a diversion tactic. Instead of discussing the issue, they shift the focus onto you and your supposed jealousy.

6) “Nobody else has a problem with this”

“Nobody else has a problem with this” sounds like the unofficial theme song of groupthink, isn’t it?

Well, it’s often used by toxic people to isolate you and invalidate your emotions, making you feel as though you’re overreacting or being unreasonable.

Everyone’s feelings and experiences are unique. What may not bother one person, might deeply affect another. You don’t have to throw your critical thinking cap away just because someone wants to be a dictator.  

7) “You owe me”

The phrase “You owe me” is a toxic person’s way of keeping you in their control. Let me explain.

I’ve experienced this firsthand when a former friend constantly reminded me of the times they helped me during a difficult period in my life. They used it as leverage to control my actions and decisions, making me feel indebted to them.

Psychology reveals that this is a common manipulation tactic. The toxic person creates a sense of debt to maintain power and control over you. They make you feel like you’re forever in their debt, which can be emotionally draining and damaging over time.

No one should hold their kindness over your head like a debt to be repaid. Unless you owe them money, you have the right to return favors at your own pace. 

8) “If you really loved me, you would…”

“If you really loved me, you would…” is an emotional blackmail often used by toxic individuals. Do you know why?

This phrase is a subtle power play – a desperate measure for getting their way. The person who uses this phrase believes that they have the authority to define what love looks like and downplay your preferences. So what happens if you let them? 

They will set unrealistic conditions for proving your affection to them. They will say things like: “ If you loved me, I wouldn’t have to ask you to make dinner everyday” or “If you loved me, you would let me stay at my friend’s place during weekends.” 

As a result, it creates a dynamic where you feel compelled to meet these demands to prove your love for them and maintain harmony in the relationship.

The more you accommodate, the more you help the manipulator foster a sense of control over your life. 

Love should be a fair trade where both parties get to give and take. When someone uses this phrase too often, it’s time to reassess your relationship.

9) “I never said that”

I’m sure this one rings true for most of us. 

The phrase “I never said that” is a key phrase toxic people use to deny their previous actions or words. This form of selective denial, often part of a gaslighting tactic, is used to make you question your memory or perception.

By denying their words or actions, the toxic person avoids taking responsibility and turns the blame onto you. It creates confusion and self-doubt, weakening your trust in your own memory and perception.

It’s crucial to remember that trust in your own memory and perceptions is fundamental to your mental wellbeing.

If someone consistently denies their words or actions even when you’re sure of what you heard or saw, take it as a clear sign of toxicity.

The power of self-preservation

As we bid adieu to this exposé on the linguistic smoke signals of toxicity, let’s remember that identifying these nine phrases isn’t just about playing language detective. It’s also about self-preservation. 

As you become more adept at detecting toxic behaviors, your life quality can experience significant improvement.

I’m not saying you should shun all people whom you think demonstrate toxic behaviors. But you should, at least, keep your distance from people who constantly make you feel uncomfortable and upset. 

Toxic people can have a detrimental impact on your mental and emotional health. Recognizing and distancing yourself from toxic influences helps protect your well-being so you can focus on being the best version of yourself. 

So, the next time you hear one of these phrases, take a step back and reflect. What does it tell you about the person uttering those words? And more importantly, what does it reveal about how they value you?