7 phrases toxic people use to undermine your confidence

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling smaller than when you entered it? Maybe your confidence took a nosedive, and you couldn’t quite put your finger on why. 

Trust me, I’ve been there — wondering if the issue was me or if something else was at play. 

We meet people from all walks of life, and unfortunately, some of them can be toxic, and try to undermine your confidence. 

After coming across several of these individuals, I’ve realized they use certain phrases designed to undermine our confidence, whether they realize it or not.

In this article, we’ll uncover 7 such phrases that toxic people often use. Awareness of them is the first step to reclaiming your power. 

1) “Are you sure you can handle that?” 

Imagine being excited about a new opportunity — maybe it’s a job, a creative project, or even a fitness goal. You’re brimming with enthusiasm and ready to dive in. Then, someone asks “Are you sure you can handle that?” 

They may wrap this question in a guise of concern and realism, but let’s dig deeper. It plants a seed of doubt right where you had planted seeds of possibility. 

I’ve had these moments, where the enthusiasm was replaced by uncertainty, and it felt like carrying an extra weight on my shoulders. The question subtly challenges your capability and makes you question your own competence.

Toxic people often use this phrase to subtly undermine you. It’s a way of saying, “I don’t think you’re capable,” without actually saying it outright. 

And just like that, they’ve shifted the focus from your potential to your limitations. 

Being aware of this tactic is the first step toward not letting it impact you. When you hear it, take a deep breath, remind yourself of your abilities, and proceed with your plans. 

Your capabilities are not defined by someone else’s doubts.

2) “That’s not how it’s done” 

Say you’re already knee-deep in a project. Maybe you’re assembling a piece of furniture, working on a presentation, or cooking a meal. You’ve researched, planned, and now you’re executing it your way. 

Then, someone passes by, peer over, and shaking their head, says “That’s not how it’s done.”

I can relate; I’ve felt that sudden jolt of insecurity, wondering if my approach was completely off-base. 

This phrase can quickly turn your confidence into self-doubt, making you question your skills and methods.

The person using this phrase is essentially questioning your competence and suggesting that they know something you don’t — the correct and superior way.

Often, they don’t bother to understand why you’re doing it your way, or whether your method has merits they haven’t considered. It’s a one-size-fits-all criticism that stifles your individuality and can make you feel small or inexperienced.

Toxic individuals use this phrase to exert a sense of control or establish themselves as an authority. It’s a way for them to position themselves as the “expert,” even if there’s more than one way to get the job done right.

3) “You wouldn’t understand”

You’re in the middle of a conversation, genuinely trying to engage or offer support, and then they retort with, “You wouldn’t understand.” 

This phrase immediately puts a barrier between you and the other person, making you feel excluded or somehow inferior.

I’ve heard this phrase before, and it left me feeling dismissed and irrelevant. Like without even getting a chance to try, my experiences or intelligence already fell short, making me unworthy of even participating in the conversation.

This toxic phrase accomplishes several things at once. First, it invalidates your perspective, making it seem as if it’s obvious your viewpoint isn’t important or informed enough. 

Second, it places the other person on a pedestal, as if they possess some exclusive knowledge or experience that you couldn’t possibly fathom.

What’s more, “You wouldn’t understand” shuts down meaningful dialogue. It’s a conversation stopper that leaves little room for mutual understanding or connection. 

If you encounter this phrase, don’t let it undermine your confidence. They obviously don’t want to have this conversation, so don’t push them — but you know it’s not really because you wouldn’t understand, but because of their narrow-mindedness. 

4) “That’s an interesting choice”

Ever shared your plans, ideas, or even just your outfit for the day, only to hear, “That’s an interesting choice”?

I remember in this context, my initial excitement was replaced by a nagging doubt, making me second-guess my decision.

And really, that’s exactly what this phrase is designed to do. People who use it often do so to express disapproval without being direct about it. It’s a way to sow the seeds of doubt without taking responsibility for criticizing you openly. 

It’s like they’re saying, “That’s not what most people — normal people who think straight — would choose.”

It’s also manipulative because it forces you to question your judgment without giving you anything concrete to address or discuss.

So, the next time you hear, “That’s an interesting choice,” don’t let it cloud your confidence. 

Remember, choices are subjective; there will inevitably be someone who disagrees, but what matters is that your choices are yours to make. 

5) “Maybe this isn’t for you”

Here’s one that hit especially hard for me: “Maybe this isn’t for you.” It’s particularly disheartening to hear these words when you’re already struggling or failing at something you’re genuinely trying to improve upon.

In these vulnerable moments, instead of receiving the encouragement or constructive advice you might hope for, this phrase pushes you toward quitting. 

It exploits your self-doubt and insecurities, turning them into a foregone conclusion that you’re simply not cut out for whatever you’re attempting to do — and no amount of effort will change that.

The timing makes it worse. Because you’re already down, this phrase is like a kick when you’re on the ground. 

But remember, failing at something doesn’t make you a failure. Struggles and setbacks are inevitable steps on the path to mastery. 

If you’re confronted with this kind of discouragement, try to tune it out and turn to supportive individuals who can provide the constructive criticism and motivation you need. 

After all, we’re all works in progress, and every expert was once a beginner who refused to quit.

6) “You’ve changed” 

Change can be great. But the words “You’ve changed” can also be thrown at you as an accusation, a way to pinpoint that something about you is different — and not in a good way.

When I started focusing more on my personal growth, I heard this phrase from someone who wasn’t used to the new boundaries I was setting. 

It felt like a criticism disguised as an observation, and it made me question if I was losing important relationships in my life — or myself.

It can be especially disheartening when those changes are crucial for your mental or emotional well-being.

The truth is, change is inevitable. We grow, we learn, and yes, we change. The people who use this phrase as a form of subtle manipulation might actually be resisting their own need to change or grow. 

They may find comfort in your predictability or from feeling superior to you, and feel threatened when you deviate from what they expect.

So the next time someone tells you “You’ve changed,” take a moment to reflect. Have you changed for the better? Have you outgrown relationships that are no longer beneficial to you? 

It might be a good opportunity to reevaluate them and decide if they still fit into your evolving life.

7) “I thought you’d do better”

Think back to a moment when you’ve given our best shot at something. Hearing “I thought you’d do better” in these vulnerable moments can feel like a punch in the gut. 

I remember taking on a challenging project and, despite my best efforts, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped — and this phrase just made me doubt my own capabilities altogether.

And let’s be honest, the person “judging” you might not even have a stake in your success; they may simply relish the opportunity to exert a little power over you.

Instead of acknowledging that everyone has ups and downs, it sends the message that you’re expected to have a higher standard, and falling short even once means you’re a failure.

But when you take a step back, you can see that this clearly is not the truth.

So, the next time someone says, “I thought you’d do better,” remember that everyone’s path to success is filled with trials and errors. 

It’s not about meeting someone else’s expectations, but about learning, growing, and striving to do better for yourself.

Take full control of your confidence

In a world where you’re constantly facing challenges and pushing your own boundaries, don’t let the words of toxic individuals pull you down. 

Recognize these 7 phrases for what they are: tools of manipulation aimed at undermining your confidence. 

But the power to define your worth doesn’t lie in someone else’s hands — it’s in yours. 

Surround yourself with people who uplift you, encourage you to grow, and remind you of your strengths when you forget them. 

Your journey is uniquely yours, and your confidence should be, too. You’ve got this!