Try doing these 8 things in public—if you can handle even 5, you’re more emotionally secure than most people

Ever wonder what separates emotionally secure people from everyone else?

Here’s a challenge for you: Next time you’re in a coffee shop, try singing “Happy Birthday” to yourself at normal volume. Not shouting, not whispering, just regular singing while you wait for your latte.

Feel that instant wave of panic? That’s your emotional security being tested.

I’ve spent years observing what makes some people unshakeable while others crumble at the thought of standing out. In my counseling practice, I noticed that clients who could handle social discomfort without losing themselves were the ones who thrived in relationships, careers, and life in general.

So I created this list of public challenges. Think of them as a diagnostic tool for your emotional security. If you can handle at least five without breaking into a cold sweat or abandoning ship, you’re ahead of the curve.

Ready to find out where you stand?

1. Eat alone at a restaurant without your phone

This one sounds deceptively simple until you’re sitting there with nothing but your thoughts and a bread basket for company.

Most of us use our phones as social shields. We scroll through nothing just to look occupied, to signal that we’re not lonely, just temporarily alone. But emotionally secure people? They can sit with themselves just fine.

Try ordering a nice meal, leaving your phone in your pocket, and actually experiencing the food, the atmosphere, the simple act of being present. Watch how many times your hand reaches for that digital security blanket. Notice the stories your mind creates about what other diners must be thinking.

The truth is, they’re probably too worried about their own appearance to care about yours.

2. Compliment a stranger genuinely

You know that moment when you see someone with an incredible jacket, or notice how kind they were to the barista, or just think “wow, that person has great energy”?

Most of us keep those thoughts locked inside. We worry it’ll come across as weird, or that they’ll think we want something from them. But emotionally secure people? They just say it.

The thing is, giving a genuine compliment to a stranger requires you to be comfortable with a few uncomfortable possibilities.

They might look at you funny. They might not know how to respond. You might create a slightly awkward moment that lasts three whole seconds. And you have to be okay with all of that without taking it personally or regretting your kindness.

What makes this so hard is that you’re being vulnerable without any guaranteed positive outcome. You’re putting yourself out there with zero safety net.

But here’s what’s beautiful about it: when you can do this, you’re essentially saying “I’m secure enough to risk a moment of social discomfort just to brighten someone’s day.”

That’s a level of emotional freedom most people never reach.

3. Disagree with someone in a group conversation

Not arguing, not debating, just calmly stating a different perspective when everyone else seems to agree.

Watch what happens in your body when the conversation momentum is flowing one way and you consider saying, “Actually, I see it differently.”

That tightness in your chest? That’s your people-pleasing programming firing up.

I used to nod along to keep the peace, even when I fundamentally disagreed. Building my practice taught me that authentic connection requires honest expression. Now I can say, “That’s interesting, but my experience has been different” without my heart racing.

The emotionally secure person values truth over comfort, authenticity over approval.

4. Return something to a store without over-explaining

“It didn’t work out.”

That’s all you need to say. But most of us launch into elaborate stories about why we’re returning that sweater, as if we need to justify our right to change our mind.

I once watched a client practice this in session. She’d prepared a whole speech about returning a blender. When I asked her to simply say, “I’d like to return this,” she literally couldn’t do it. The silence after felt unbearable to her.

Emotionally secure people don’t feel obligated to fill every silence with justification. They know their decisions are valid without a committee’s approval.

5. Ask for something special at a restaurant

Can you get the dressing on the side? The burger without the bun? An extra napkin?

Notice I’m not talking about being demanding or rude. I’m talking about basic requests that somehow feel like we’re imposing on the entire restaurant industry.

The fear here isn’t really about inconveniencing the server. It’s about being seen as high-maintenance, difficult, or particular. But having preferences isn’t a character flaw. It’s human.

When you can ask for what you want without apologizing seventeen times, you’re demonstrating emotional security.

6. Admit you don’t understand something everyone else seems to get

Picture this: Everyone’s laughing at a reference you don’t understand. The conversation flows around terms you’ve never heard. Do you nod along or say, “I don’t get it”?

In my practice, I see how much energy people waste pretending to understand things they don’t. They’re so afraid of looking stupid that they miss opportunities to actually learn something.

Emotionally secure people have made peace with not knowing everything. They can say “I’ve never heard of that” or “Can you explain what that means?” without their self-worth crumbling.

Try it next time someone mentions a book everyone’s read or a show everyone’s watched. Just say you’re not familiar with it. Notice how the world doesn’t end.

7. Being the first/only one to do something

There’s a special kind of anxiety that kicks in when you’re about to be the first person to do something in a group setting. Should you clap? Should you ask that question? Should you get up and dance?

The socially anxious part of your brain screams “WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO GO FIRST!” But emotionally secure people have learned to override that voice.

Being the first requires you to handle the brief spotlight, the possibility of looking foolish, and the chance that no one will follow your lead.

You might ask a question in a meeting and get crickets. You might start clapping and realize you misread the situation. You might be the only person who thought it was time to leave. And all of those scenarios feel like mini-deaths to our social selves.

But when you can be that person (the one who breaks the ice, who takes the social risk, who doesn’t need the crowd’s validation before acting) you’re demonstrating a rare kind of confidence.

You’re showing that your sense of what’s right or appropriate comes from within, not from reading the room and waiting for consensus. That’s emotional security in action.

8. Leave an awkward silence unfilled

Someone makes a weird comment. The conversation hits a wall. The silence stretches.

Can you let it be?

Most of us jump in with nervous laughter, random observations about the weather, anything to break that tension. We’ve been taught that silence equals social failure.

But silence is just silence. It’s only awkward if you decide it is.

I practice this regularly in sessions. When clients share something vulnerable, I let the silence hold space for their words instead of rushing to fill it. It took years to get comfortable with this, but now I see silence as punctuation, not panic.

Final thoughts

How many could you actually do?

If you’re feeling defensive or thinking these challenges are silly, that’s worth examining. Sometimes our resistance tells us exactly where our growth edges are.

Building emotional security isn’t about becoming indifferent to others or inconsiderate of social norms. It’s about choosing when to follow them rather than being controlled by them. It’s knowing that your worth isn’t determined by whether strangers in a coffee shop approve of your singing voice.

Start with the one that seems least terrifying. Work your way up. Notice what stories your mind creates, what physical sensations arise, what old patterns get activated.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. We’re all working with years of conditioning that taught us fitting in equals survival. Unlearning that takes time.

The goal isn’t to become someone who never feels social discomfort. It’s to become someone who can feel it and choose their response anyway. That’s what emotional security really looks like: not the absence of discomfort, but the presence of choice despite it.