7 subtle behaviors that come from not receiving enough affection as a child, according to psychology

Affection in childhood is more than hugs and “I love yous.” It’s the consistent sense that you’re cared for, valued, and safe.

For children who don’t receive that, the effects don’t just fade once they grow up. They often resurface in subtle behaviors that show up in adulthood — sometimes so quietly that even the person experiencing them doesn’t realize the connection.

Psychologists often point out that early attachment patterns — whether secure, anxious, or avoidant — shape the way we connect, love, and cope later in life.

When affection is scarce in childhood, people often adapt by building protective habits. These habits might have helped them survive as kids, but in adulthood, they can leave them feeling disconnected, anxious, or misunderstood.

Here are seven behaviors that often trace back to a lack of affection in childhood — and why recognizing them matters.

1. Struggling to accept compliments

If you didn’t receive much affection growing up, praise can feel foreign or even suspicious.

Instead of letting kind words sink in, you might brush them off or assume someone has an ulterior motive.

This lines up with what research has established: People with low self-esteem find it difficult to accept compliments.

This comes from not having that early foundation where love and affirmation felt natural. Instead, compliments trigger discomfort, because deep down, part of you doesn’t believe you deserve them.

Learning to pause, take a breath, and simply say “thank you” is often the first step toward unlearning this reflex.

It’s less about inflating your ego and more about slowly teaching yourself that positive attention isn’t a trick — it’s safe to receive.

2. Overexplaining your actions

A child who rarely received affection often grows into an adult who feels they need to justify themselves constantly.

You might find yourself explaining why you’re late, why you chose something, or why you said no — even when no explanation is really required.

This behavior can be rooted in the fear of disapproval.

Without that steady sense of unconditional acceptance in childhood, it’s easy to carry a belief that love or respect is conditional, that it must be earned by proving you’re not wrong or bad.

3. Difficulty setting boundaries

Healthy affection teaches kids that they’re allowed to have needs and space without losing love.

Without that lesson, boundaries can feel terrifying. Saying “no” might feel like rejection waiting to happen.

So instead of protecting your own limits, you might overextend, agree to things you don’t want to do, or struggle with guilt when you try to assert yourself.

Psychologists note that this often stems from a fear of abandonment — the idea that if you push back, the relationship itself will vanish.

The truth is, boundaries aren’t walls that keep people out. They’re guidelines that keep relationships healthy. But if you weren’t shown that balance early on, it takes time and conscious effort to learn.

4. Seeking constant reassurance

Research shows that lack of parental warmth can lead to higher levels of anxiety. As a result, many adults who lacked affection as children develop a need for external validation.

It shows up as checking repeatedly if someone is mad at you, needing your partner to say “I love you” several times a day, or panicking when a friend takes too long to respond.

At its root, this behavior is about soothing an old wound. Without consistent affection growing up, the nervous system learns to expect abandonment.

Reassurance becomes the adult version of affection — proof that you’re still wanted.

It’s exhausting, both for the person seeking reassurance and for those around them. But understanding where it comes from can help shift the focus from desperation to healing — from chasing constant proof to learning how to build inner stability.

5. Having trouble with vulnerability

As noted by the team at Psych Central, lack of affection and warmth in childhood can lead to issues with openness and vulnerability.

Opening up emotionally requires a sense of safety. If affection was scarce in childhood, sharing feelings may feel risky, even dangerous.

You might default to being the “strong one,” the helper, or the one who never lets others see their struggles.

The problem is, without vulnerability, intimacy becomes difficult. Relationships may feel shallow or unbalanced, because you’re not letting others into your inner world.

This is where I found Rudá Iandê’s book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life, incredibly eye-opening. His insights reminded me that wholeness comes not from hiding flaws but from embracing them.

One line that stayed with me is: “When we stop resisting ourselves, we become whole. And in that wholeness, we discover a reservoir of strength, creativity, and resilience we never knew we had.”

Vulnerability can feel terrifying when you weren’t shown it was safe. But with practice, it becomes the doorway to genuine connection.

6. Perfectionism as self-protection

When kids don’t get affection, some of them conclude: “If I’m perfect, maybe I’ll be loved.” That belief can carry into adulthood, turning into relentless perfectionism.

You might feel pressure to get everything right — at work, in relationships, even in hobbies. Mistakes feel catastrophic, not just because they’re inconvenient, but because they trigger that old fear of rejection.

Psychologists often describe this as conditional self-worth: the idea that your value is tied to your performance. It’s a heavy burden, and it can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a constant sense of “not enough.”

Recognizing that perfection doesn’t guarantee love — and that love doesn’t require perfection — is a slow but freeing shift.

7. Feeling uneasy with physical affection as an adult

Ironically, one of the most common behaviors in adults who lacked affection as children is discomfort with affection later in life.

Hugs may feel stiff, compliments awkward, closeness overwhelming.

It’s not that they don’t crave connection — often, they crave it deeply. But without a childhood foundation of healthy affection, their body interprets closeness as unfamiliar or unsafe.

This behavior can be painful in relationships, where a partner might misinterpret distance as disinterest. But with patience and self-awareness, it’s possible to rebuild comfort with closeness. It’s not about forcing yourself to like affection, but about learning to create safety within it.

Final thoughts

Not receiving enough affection as a child doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you developed survival strategies — behaviors that made sense in the past but may limit you in the present.

The good news is, awareness is the first step toward change. When you recognize these patterns, you’re no longer at their mercy.

You can choose to soften perfectionism, practice receiving compliments, or take the risk of being vulnerable.

And as Rudá Iandê reminds us, “Embracing yourself is the foundation for how you move through the world.”

You don’t have to erase the past, but you don’t have to live bound by it either. The affection you missed as a child can still be nurtured now — through self-compassion, healthy relationships, and the quiet, daily decision to let yourself be loved.