6 reasons why men pull away (even when things are going great)

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where your guy unexpectedly becomes distant, whether you’ve just started dating or you’ve been together for a while?

This abrupt shift can leave you feeling hurt and just confused, desperate for an explanation of what just went down.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this behavior, here are 6 reasons why men pull away in relationships.

1) You’re taking away his freedom

Ever caught a guy looking totally surprised when you mention the need for compromise and putting in a little more effort to make a relationship work?

You ask for some quality time outside the usual routine—maybe a date or a shared hobby—and it feels like you’ve just put him in shackles.

For many men, relationships might seem like they’re being stripped of their liberty, even though, in reality, it’s simply a matter of taking some time from their regular schedule.

I once had an ex who got super defensive when I brought up the idea of us moving in together after about a year of dating. Things took a turn, and he started pulling away, canceling plans and dates. When I confronted him, he said he felt like I was stepping on his freedom.

Faced with the choice of explaining the importance of compromise and effort in a relationship or calling it quits, I chose the latter. The rejection stung, and I couldn’t figure out how to get things back to normal between us.

Lesson learned: when you suggest significant changes to guys, approach it with an open mind and test the waters first. What feels completely normal to you might not land the same way for them, particularly if they’re not in the same emotional space.

It boils down to being aware of each other’s perspectives before diving into major decisions.

2) He carries scars from his past traumas

When you’ve been in the dating scene for a while, it’s almost a given that you’ll face some negative experiences. Who hasn’t, right?

Now, some guys really get hurt by these experiences and struggle to heal or move on from them properly. And when they haven’t healed, it often leads to them getting triggered by past traumas, causing them to withdraw or completely shut themselves down.

Take my guy friend, for example. He couldn’t shake off the fact that his ex was using him for his money. After a messy breakup, his trust in women was shattered, and he couldn’t move on to build a healthy relationship ever since. 

So, if you notice your man irrationally reacting to a certain situation and suddenly growing cold, don’t jump into blaming yourself. Dig for answers.

He might be responding to a past trauma he has faced.

However, keep in mind that you’re not responsible for healing your significant other. All you can do is listen and be supportive if he is willing to work on resolving his past traumas.

3) He has abandonment issues

One of the most common trauma responses in men stems from a fear of abandonment.

How puzzled would you be if your man pulled away even when things can’t get any better between the two of you?

Well, sometimes it’s precisely because things are going so well that he might pull back.

The tricky thing about someone with abandonment issues is that their triggers can vary widely.

It could range from things going too smoothly, triggering a fear that the other person might just leave, to even a minor disagreement being perceived as a huge fight.

This fear is often a result of their past, like growing up in a household where their parents constantly fought or experienced a divorce. These cases may have led them to believe that every good moment with a partner eventually ends in separation.

Offering some reassurance can really help ease their mind and create a safe space for healing.

And you know what else works? 

Showing them that conflicts can be sorted out and that it’s both of you tackling the problem, not each other. That’s the kind of reassurance that goes a long way.

4) He is not looking for something serious

Sex holds significant importance in many relationships, but for some guys, it is the only thing that matters.

They dive into relationships primarily for the sake of sex and might do everything else just to keep that activity going.

It’s a matter of priorities. When the compromises expected in a relationship become too much for the sake of maintaining a sexual connection, they often decide to walk away.

This behavior is commonly noticed in casual relationships or in friends-with-benefits setups that start to turn into something more serious.

When the guy is slowly adjusting to the new requirements of a relationship—like spending quality time and communication—it might not feel worth it to them, leading them to choose to pull away.

5) Things are moving too fast for him

Ever been with someone who was surprised by the progress of a relationship with time? If the answer is yes, they’re probably thinking of it moving too fast.

For some, this progress might mean taking the next step—like moving in together or adopting a puppy. For others, it’s about having a clear plan for the future.

The speed of this development differs from person to person. While some need more time to progress, others already know what they want.

If a woman moves at a faster pace than the man has in mind, he might feel like things are moving too quickly, causing him to hit the brakes on the relationship.

That’s why open and clear communication about your relationship goals and expectations is important, the earlier, the better.

6) You’re not a priority for him

The growth of a relationship brings along extra responsibilities and compromises.

Some guys prioritize different aspects of their lives—such as their jobs, family obligations, or personal growth—over the relationship itself.

As they juggle these various commitments, they might struggle to find enough time for the relationship to mature, leading to them pulling away.

This doesn’t mean that you or the relationship is not worth his time, but that he isn’t ready for a serious relationship with the current load of stressors in his life.

That is why having a heart-to-heart conversation about what your partner is looking for is crucial at the start of every relationship.

Final thoughts:

I hope that these six reasons gave you an insight as to why certain men act the way they act when they pull away.

Communication is key in any healthy relationship and respecting a person’s readiness for commitment is important.

Open dialogue about expectations and providing reassurance can build the understanding and trust needed.

But remember, readiness for a relationship is a personal choice that can’t be rushed, and it is totally okay to walk away from someone that doesn’t seem like they’ll ever be ready.