If you want your child to respect you as they get older, say goodbye to these 7 habits

Have you ever wondered why some parent-child relationships feel so genuine and trusting while others seem to fade into resentment as time goes by?

I’ve seen it in my counseling practice, and it’s a tough situation—both for parents who truly want a good bond and for the kids who can’t seem to see their parents in a positive light anymore.

It might sound dramatic, but little everyday habits can build up and create walls between you and your child.

It’s so easy to dismiss those habits as “just how I am,” but when you see the long-term effects, it makes you realize these seemingly small actions have a bigger impact than you’d think.

Children grow up fast. Before you know it, they’re forming strong opinions, noticing inconsistencies, and picking up on every subtle tone you use.

When those impressions accumulate over years, they can either enrich your relationship or chip away at it.

I want to share seven key habits that can push your child away and undermine the respect you’re hoping for as they reach those older, more independent years.

Let’s dive in.

1. Ruling with an iron fist

Sometimes parents set rules so rigid they might as well be etched in stone.

I get it: structure is essential.

Kids thrive on routine and boundaries, but there’s a fine line between providing guidance and becoming overbearing.

When you micro-manage every aspect of their existence—who they hang out with, how they dress, or even how they should feel—it sends the message that you don’t trust them to make decisions.

In my practice, I’ve heard from teenagers who say they feel suffocated by parents who won’t budge an inch.

If a child feels respected in the rules you set, they’re more likely to respect you back.

And yes, that means letting them stumble a bit. Giving a little breathing room fosters mutual respect, because your child starts to see you as someone who guides, rather than commands.

2. Brushing off their ideas and feelings

Kids of any age come up with the wildest ideas—some brilliant, some unrealistic, and some that are downright whimsical.

But if you have a habit of rolling your eyes or dismissing their thoughts, it won’t be long before they stop sharing them altogether.

Why is this a big deal?

Because once that door of communication closes, it’s incredibly difficult to open it again.

I once worked with a young girl who felt every time she brought up a concern, her dad just said, “Stop being dramatic,” and switched the subject.

Over time, she lost respect for his empathy (or lack thereof), and their conversations became superficial.

This scenario goes far beyond daily chats.

If your child feels you’re constantly invalidating their emotions, they might question their own feelings or seek validation elsewhere.

Genuinely hearing them out doesn’t mean agreeing with everything; it means acknowledging their perspective, even if you see it differently.

3. Publicly shaming them

Have you ever witnessed a parent scolding a child in front of strangers?

It’s uncomfortable for everyone, especially for the child on the receiving end, isn’t it? 

Nobody likes to be humiliated, and children are no exception. When they’re called out in front of siblings, friends, or extended family, it can shatter their sense of safety.

Once I had a teenage client whose mother corrected every small mistake she made in public. Even tiny things like mispronouncing a word were met with sarcastic comments.

Imagine the long-term effects of that. Not only does it damage confidence, but it also breeds resentment.

She told me she couldn’t wait to move out so she’d never have to endure that ridicule again.

In those moments, a child feels powerless and exposed.

You might think a little correction is harmless, but recurring shame can leave emotional scars.

As the crew at Stop Bullying.gov pointed out, belittling someone in front of others can have a ripple effect, affecting self-esteem and the desire to connect.

4. Playing the “do as I say, not as I do” card

If you constantly say, “You need to be polite,” while you’re snapping at the server in a restaurant, that double standard is not lost on your child.

Kids are like sponges. They absorb what you do far more than what you say.

A father of two I know would scold his kids for leaving the living room messy, yet his own desk looked like a tornado hit it.

It might seem small, but children notice.

Inconsistencies like these can spark a sense of unfairness and erode respect over time. This habit also sets them up for confusion later.

They might think, “Why should I listen to you if you don’t walk your talk?” 

It’s not about being perfect—no one is.

But if you want them to respect your guidance, showing you live by the principles you preach matters more than any lecture you can give.

Being genuine in your actions might feel challenging, but it’s one of the most effective ways to build a rock-solid foundation of trust.

5. Ignoring self-improvement

Let me tell you about a client whose teenage son told her, “You’re always telling me to work on my grades, but you never seem to work on yourself.”

That stung, but it was also a wake-up call.

Self-development isn’t just for the young.

When children see their parents striving to learn, adapt, and grow, it sends a powerful message that life is about continuous improvement.

I love reading works by Brené Brown, who talks a lot about vulnerability and personal growth. And I think a lot of her messages apply to this situation. 

When a child sees that you’re willing to take accountability, learn from mistakes, or even pick up a new skill, it shows humility and fosters respect.

Conversely, if you act like you have it all figured out, your child might see you as rigid or unyielding.

People evolve, and acknowledging that personal evolution never really stops can help you bond with your child.

They’ll respect you for showing them that it’s okay to be a work in progress.

6. Being emotionally unavailable

We often focus on external behaviors like yelling or strictness, but emotional absence can be just as damaging.

You might be physically present at home, but if your mind is always elsewhere—or if you’re constantly scrolling on your phone when they’re trying to talk—they’ll sense your disconnect.

This habit sneaks up on us in our busy lives.

Maybe you’re swamped with work, or you’re unwinding from the stress of the day, and you inadvertently tune them out.

According to the attachment theory of development, consistent emotional engagement from caregivers fosters secure attachment and healthy psychological development.

On the flip side, lack of emotional involvement can create a feeling of loneliness or even neglect in children.

I’ve spoken to teens who say, “Mom’s here, but she’s not really here.” It’s heartbreaking because it’s such a quiet, invisible form of pushing someone away.

If you want your children to grow and look back with warmth, providing genuine attention and empathy goes a long way in preserving that deeper connection.

7. Holding grudges and using guilt trips

This one probably deserved a higher spot on the list, because it’s so common.

I see parents who hold onto every little misdeed their child has done—from forgotten chores to poor grades—and bring it up repeatedly.

Over time, that creates a toxic environment where guilt becomes a weapon.

If you’re constantly reminding your child of their past mistakes, they’ll start to see you as the judge and jury, not a loving guide.

I recall one mother who used to start sentences with, “Remember last time you messed up…” whenever her son wanted to try something new.

He felt he could never escape his errors, and it killed his confidence.

When children realize you’re going to hold every error against them, they lose trust. They might even stop confiding in you, fearing more guilt trips.

Forgiveness and moving forward demonstrate respect for their growth and the possibility of change.

After all, if we expect them to do better, we have to allow them to turn a new page without dragging them back to old missteps.

Final thoughts

Dropping these habits doesn’t mean you’re letting go of boundaries or discipline.

It just means you’re shifting the dynamic toward a space that fosters respect instead of resentment.

Children form their opinions of you day by day, and small repeated actions—both good and bad—create the tone of your relationship.

As someone who’s worked with families across various stages, I’ve seen firsthand how mindful efforts in these areas can make all the difference in how your child sees you as they step into adulthood.

Parenting is a journey, and sometimes the biggest changes come from reevaluating the little habits we’ve fallen into.

If you’re feeling stuck or uncertain, remember that every moment is a chance to try a new approach and show your child you’re willing to grow alongside them.

Signing off.