People who’ve never experienced healthy love always mistake these 9 red flags for passion (according to psychology)

Love can be a tricky terrain to navigate, especially when you’re not quite sure what healthy love actually looks like.

Often, those who’ve never experienced true, healthy love can mistake certain red flags for passion. It’s a common misstep that many of us make, and it’s not always easy to spot these signs.

According to psychology, there are nine key red flags that are frequently misinterpreted as passion. And here’s the thing – they’re not always as obvious as you might think.

In this article, we’ll delve into what these are and why they’re so often misunderstood. Some of them might surprise you – but knowing them could just change your perspective on love and relationships. So, let’s dive right in.

1) Intense jealousy isn’t a sign of passion

We’ve all heard the saying, ‘green-eyed monster’, when talking about jealousy in relationships. But when does this so-called ‘monster’ cross the line from being a natural human emotion into something more toxic?

Often, people who’ve never experienced healthy love view intense jealousy as a sign of passion. They believe that their partner’s possessiveness or constant need for reassurance is simply because they care so much.

But here’s what they don’t realize: intense jealousy isn’t a sign of love, it’s a red flag – and a big one at that.

Essentially, if your relationship is dominated by jealousy and control, it’s not love – it’s power play.

So next time you find yourself justifying extreme jealousy as ‘passionate love’, remember Dr. Jung’s words. Love isn’t about control or possession – it’s about respect and trust.

2) Love isn’t about constant conflict

I remember in my first serious relationship, we were always fighting. About everything and anything. At first, I thought it was normal, even romantic in a twisted way. I believed our constant conflict was a sign of our fiery passion for each other.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized that this constant state of friction wasn’t healthy or normal. It was a red flag that I was mistaking for passion.

In my case, we handled our conflict with more conflict. There was no resolution, no understanding, just an endless cycle of arguments. And that’s not what love is about.

Love is about understanding and compromise. It’s about resolving conflicts, not creating them. So if you find yourself in a relationship where fights are more frequent than peaceful moments, take a step back and reconsider. It could be a red flag you’re mistaking for passion.

3) Love doesn’t demand you to change, it accepts you

In my journey of self-discovery and understanding love, I’ve come across a common misconception: the belief that if someone loves you, they should want to change you for the better.

This could not be further from the truth.

Real love accepts you for who you are. It celebrates your strengths and embraces your flaws. It doesn’t hand you a list of things to change about yourself to meet some skewed idea of perfection.

You see, change comes from self-love and acceptance, not external pressure to fit into someone else’s mold.

If your partner is constantly pushing you to change who you are, it’s not passion driving them – it’s control. And that’s a red flag you shouldn’t ignore.

4) Love doesn’t mean losing your individuality

I had a friend who, once she entered a relationship, completely lost herself. She gave up her hobbies, stopped seeing her friends, and her whole life revolved around her partner. She thought this was what love meant – sacrificing everything for the other person.

But that’s not love, that’s losing your identity.

Famous psychologist and author Dr. Harriet Lerner says, “When one person becomes ‘lost’ in a relationship, the relationship can lose its vitality and balance.”

You see, love isn’t about giving up who you are for the sake of someone else. It’s about sharing your life with someone while maintaining your individuality. If you feel like you’re losing yourself in your relationship, it’s not passion – it’s a red flag.

5) Love doesn’t equate to obsession

Contrary to what some may believe, obsessive behavior in a relationship isn’t a sign of deep love or passion; it’s a red flag.

As esteemed psychologist Erich Fromm once said, “Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you.'”

Obsession focuses on possession and control, not genuine affection. If your relationship feels more like an obsession, it’s time to reassess.

6) Love doesn’t use manipulation as a tool

Manipulation, whether blatant or subtle, can often be mistaken for passion. But using manipulation to control a partner’s emotions or actions is not a sign of healthy love.

Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, renowned for her work on emotional abuse, says, “Manipulation is an emotionally unhealthy psychological strategy used by people who are incapable of asking for what they want and need in a direct way.”

Simply put, if you feel like you’re constantly being manipulated into situations or behaviors that don’t feel right, that’s not passion – it’s a red flag.

7) Love doesn’t always mean grand gestures

I remember watching romantic movies growing up, where love was often equated with grand gestures and dramatic declarations. But in reality, love is in the small, everyday actions that show care and respect.

As psychologist Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his book The Five Love Languages, “Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.”

So if your relationship is all about grand gestures but lacks the daily acts of love and respect, that’s not passion — it’s a red flag.

8) Love doesn’t thrive on instability

If your relationship feels like a roller coaster of emotions, that’s not healthy, and it’s certainly not passion.

Instability can often be mistaken for excitement or intensity. But Dr. Sue Johnson, renowned psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, says: “There is no safe connection when love is an unpredictable war zone.”

Real love is consistent. It provides a sense of security and stability. If your relationship is consistently unstable, that’s a red flag.

9) Love doesn’t make you feel inferior

It might be counterintuitive, but feeling constantly undermined or belittled in a relationship is not a sign of passion – it’s a sign of emotional abuse.

Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and author, says: “In a truly loving relationship, we give to the other without an expectation of return.”

So if you’re constantly feeling less-than or inferior in your relationship, that’s not love – it’s a red flag.

Reflecting on the journey

Recognizing these red flags in a relationship is not about pointing fingers or assigning blame. It’s about fostering understanding and cultivating healthier patterns of behavior in our relationships.

When we understand that what we once thought was passion may actually be problematic behavior, we’re better equipped to seek healthier patterns of love.

Love is not about control, constant conflict, or losing yourself. It’s about respect, understanding, and mutual growth.

So I invite you to take some time to reflect. Reflect on your relationships, past and present. Do you recognize any of these red flags? Have you mistaken them for passion?

But most importantly, remember that recognizing these signs is the first step towards healthier relationships. It’s never too late to learn, grow and experience the kind of love that respects and celebrates you for who you are.