8 signs a friend is taking advantage of your kindness and generosity

I don’t imagine anyone wakes up in the morning wondering, “Is my friend taking advantage of me?”

Usually, it’s not something you think about. They’re a good person. Or you wouldn’t be friends, right?

If they need your help in some way, you trust that they really do. And you trust that they’ll be there for you when you need them, too. There’s a healthy, happy balance, pretty much.

But sometimes, that balance goes way out, and we end up feeling really taken advantage of.

This can be a slow slide. You might not notice it right away. And, of course, at first you were happy to help. You probably even offered.

It’s okay. Realizing what’s happening doesn’t make you unkind. And you’re owning responsibility for your part in letting it happen.

But why did it happen? We’ll look at that too and I’ll give you some practical tips on how to kindly and firmly reset your boundaries.

But first, let’s do a friendship health check. Your friend may be taking advantage of your kindness and generosity if…

1) They make assumptions

You’re going to the same event anyway, so you’ll give them a lift, right?

And when you stop by to pick them up, you can bring your printer so they can run a few things off, no problem.

And yes, sure, you’ll take a look at their leaking tap…

You wouldn’t necessarily mind doing these things… but the problem is the assumption and the lack of consideration for how much this might put you out.

It’s easy to get caught into going along with assumptions instead of stepping back and questioning them. Especially as each small thing seems reasonable.

But when you’re driving miles out of your way, getting printer ink all over your car, and amateur plumbing while your friend drinks tea and watches, well…

You might start feeling a tiny bit resentful. The same applies if…

2) They have expectations

If you need to say no to a friend’s request, a simple ‘unfortunately that’s not going to work for me’ would do. But somehow now you’re over-explaining and even apologising.

Even been there? I have.

It’s probably because you’re feeling the pressure of expectation. This is like them making assumptions but more subtle and emotion-driven.

Your friend may subtly communicate these expectations in ways you pick up on without quite realising it (especially if you identify as HSP or empathic).

Expectations are woven into their body language, their tone of voice, and their facial expressions, for example, if you pause for a moment before replying.

Maybe this friend is also subtly manipulative in their language, whether deliberately, just out of habit or from a subconscious fear of not getting what they want.

When you say no they may cast themselves in a victim role, to try and guilt or shame you into helping them. Don’t fall for this – you did nothing wrong.

3) They act entitled

Another sign a friend may be taking advantage is if they behave as if they have a right to demand your help, time, and resources. They may not even see this as your kindness and generosity, but as simply what you should provide as their friend.

It isn’t a great sign about the friendship in general. How much do they value you as a person truly if they’re willing to put their needs above yours at all times?

Entitlement could indicate that someone has narcissistic tendencies and is looking to make you into a supply line for meeting their needs and demands. In which case get the hell out of Dodge.

However, it could be due to trauma or learned behaviour they haven’t questioned yet. It could also be down to to cultural or family of origin differences (i.e. in their culture or family people say ‘no’ far more explicitly, for example, so if you’re more subtle, they don’t hear it).

Perhaps your friend has fallen out of love with the friendship or gotten lazy about it.

Or maybe they don’t have great boundaries and want to get you into some emotional enmeshment.

Whatever the reason, your own self-love and self-respect should set alarm bells ringing at this point.

Use your inner guidance – listen to it and trust it. It’s worth a conversation to explore what’s behind your friend’s entitled attitude towards you.

4) They aren’t appreciative

Of course, if you’re helping a friend through a major life trauma or loss, then of course, they may not remember at that time to be as appreciative as you’d expect.

We’re not talking about that kind of thing here.

We’re talking about the day-to-day stuff. So, let’s check in with what’s okay…

It’s okay to expect a verbal thank you when you help a friend out.

It’s okay to expect someone to look after your stuff if you lend it, and to feel regret and apologise if something does happen to it while they have it.

It’s okay to say no without setting off a huge reaction or guilt trip in your friend.

You can also expect some give and take, so another big sign a friend is taking advantage of your kindness and generosity is that…

5) They don’t reciprocate

This friend may be silent when you express that you need something. Or perhaps they’re too busy or stressed or in an emotional drama to help out. All the time.

They don’t notice things and offer their time or resources to help you. They never spontaneously just do something nice either.

And the silence that comes with the bill in restaurants means you always end up paying…

Either you take the cues and end up feeling resentful, or you call them out and end up feeling mean and touchy. Either way, this one just doesn’t feel good.

Worse, sometimes it’s hard to work out what’s going on as it’s many small subtle things, and they might always seem to come with a good reason.

But you know your gut feeling, so do listen to it.

Another indicator that a friend doesn’t truly appreciate you is…

6) They take liberties

Of course, we’re all guilty of this sometimes. We get distracted, and self-consumed, especially if there’s a major problem, stress or life event going on that’s taking all our attention.

But what we’re taking about here is the friend who borrows your stuff without asking. Who intrudes on your time by stopping over when you’ve made it clear you’re working. Who puts drinks on your tab without checking because they forgot their card.

They may even take liberties with your time, expertise, or money by promising things to others!

If anything like this is happening, take a step back, a deep breath and ask yourself what’s behind it.

7) You notice they do it with others

As this behaviour says more about them than you, you’re unlikely to be the only one they do this with.

Notice how they behave with, and speak about, others, and listen to yourself if this feels off to you.

8) You feel uneasy, icky, or frustrated around them

…sometimes without knowing why.

Pay attention to how you feel in your body when they’re there. In your mind, put words to it.

Tune deeply into the emotions this friend activates in you, maybe through breathwork or journalling.

Talk to a trusted, safe person or even a therapist, to get a read on this. It can be hard to sort out what’s our own stuff and what’s someone else’s (and the messy space in between!) so having a trustworthy outside take on things can be really helpful.

What to do about it

You can’t change other people, but whether you allow yourself to be treated like this again and again or not is up to you.

And if you do, it’s worth looking deeper into what that’s about – in you.

It could be due to your personality traits, your history with the person or your own self-esteem levels. Your own trauma patterning could be leading you to people-please, for fear of abandonment and/or rejection.

It not about blaming yourself or taking too much responsibility for your badly-behaved friend. Remember, your kindness and generosity must extend to yourself too!

It’s about empowering you to see what you have going on and how to shift it so that you can comfortably set your boundaries and stick to them.

If you decide to talk to your friend about this, stick to ‘I’ statements about your feelings, and be specific about incidents.

Final thoughts

Remember, asking the hard questions about whether a friendship is healthy is never a nice thing to have to do, but you’ll benefit in the long run.

Let your self-love and self-esteem be your guides. Remember, saying ‘no’ to your friend when something is not in alignment is saying ‘yes’ to you.

And don’t let a difficult experience with a friend close you down – there are so many others who appreciate you so much, would never dream of taking advantage of you. They’re ready to share in your kindness and generosity, and share their own too.