6 signs you’re dealing with a textbook gaslighter, according to psychology

A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy named Matthew. 

At first, he seemed perfect—always in cozy knit sweaters, driving a charming vintage car, and all in all, just radiating good vibes.

In these early days, Matthew painted a picture of warmth and comfort, but underneath it all, he was pulling my string.

Bit by bit, his words started manipulating my thoughts, making me question what I thought was real.

Over time, I realized he was essentially making me doubt my own reality.

This high-level gaslighting left me grappling with a sense of disorientation that I never thought was possible.

Fortunately, I managed to break free from this toxic cycle—slower than I would like to admit—and now, I want to help you do it too.

If you want to go from confusion to a clear mind, here are the tell-tale indicators you’re dealing with a textbook gaslighter. 

Starting with a big one: projection.

1) They unfairly project their issues onto you

Have you ever found yourself scratching your head after a conversation, wondering if you’re somehow the bad guy when you know deep down you’re not? 

In a study in The Journal of Criminological Research, researchers describe gaslighting as “an instance of projective identification” where “negative emotions or unwanted self-perceptions of the gaslighter are projected onto their victim.”

This is because gaslighters struggle with their own insecurities and flaws, so instead of facing them, they heave them onto you.

They might also be harboring feelings of inadequacy or fear of being perceived negatively. 

But why do they do it? Well, usually, it’s easier to blame you than tackle their own problems head on.

There’s no denying it: when someone constantly tells you that you’re the problem, it chips away at your self-esteem. 

Before you know it, you start questioning your own sanity, your own understanding of reality.

2) They might be sexist

Ever been told: “You’re just being too emotional” or “You’re just being overly sensitive”? 

For centuries, people have associated being a woman with the traits of irrationality, hysteria, and being over emotional.

And certain gaslighters can take hold of this. In a groundbreaking study in the American Sociological Review, researchers explore how “abusers mobilize gendered stereotypes” when it comes to gaslighting.

“These tactics are gendered in that they rely on the association of femininity with irrationality,” says researchers.

By playing into these stereotypes, they cast doubt on your emotions, making you question the validity of your feelings.

In doing this, the gaslighter creates a power dynamic that erodes your confidence and trust in yourself.

So, if someone tries to downplay your feelings by waving the irrationality card or making sly comments about being too emotional, don’t fall for it. 

See it for what it is: classic gaslighting and misogyny.

3) They love to be seen as superior

A study in the journal The Aristotelian Society Supplementary Volume explored the relationship between gaslighters and victims, finding that a victim will “credit the gaslighter with superior authority on unwarranted grounds.”

Gaslighters do this because they feed on power and control. They need, desperately, to be the wise one who holds the keys to reality. 

By making you doubt your own thoughts and memories, they’re crafting a narrative where only they are the reliable narrator and the authority on truth.

It’s not just about making you doubt your memory, rather, it’s about making you doubt your judgment, your competence, and even your self-worth.

They want you to question whether you’re capable of making decisions, and the more you question, the more they swoop in as the stronger one.

4) They change the way you relate to yourself

Gaslighters have a real knack for justifying their problematic behavior. They’ll twist and turn the truth until you’re left with nothing. 

Fortunately, researchers have explored this problematic dynamic in detail.

The same study from the previous point found that gaslighters “manipulate rational justification to sabotage the victim’s self-respect” and “changes the way she values herself.”

Gaslighters tend to start small—in other words, they play the long game. Little white lies or subtle manipulation here and there.

It’s the slow erosion of your self-esteem that leaves you emotionally disoriented and dependent on them for approval.

After all, gaslighting is not just about manipulation, rather, it can be a systematic dismantling of the way you see yourself.

5) They stonewall you

If you’re wondering about how to spot a gaslighter in a more professional setting, this study might just have the answer for you.

A study in the Frontiers in Psychology Journal finds that “stonewalling” is a tell-tale sign of a person who gaslights. 

According to researchers, stonewalling can be defined simply as: “Uncooperative communication that strategically obstructs and delays the flow of information.”

It’s essentially a communicative power move that leaves you frustrated, confused, and questioning your own sanity. It’s one of the biggest signs you’re dealing with a textbook gaslighter. 

If you’re not sure if this is what you’re facing, think of it like this: it’s like having a chat where you’re seeking clarity or resolution and suddenly, the other person puts up a wall, refusing to engage further or contribute to the conversation.

Basically, it’s a deliberate obstruction of information.

In personal relationships, stonewalling can be super detrimental as the deliberate silence and lack of cooperation hinder conflict resolution, fostering an environment of confusion and emotional distress.

6) They have convincing, persuasive reasons for bad behavior

A Turkish systematic review explored the role of gaslighting in intimate relationships. 

“In the first stage of manipulation, the perpetrator tries to establish control over the victim and transforms his or her thoughts into what he wants them to be,” researchers said.

They continue to explain how, in this particular setting, the man goes on to rationalize his unfaithfulness by asserting the woman is “too cold in bed, does not dress elegantly at home, cannot cook good meals for her” or he even normalizes the situation by saying “every man can make a mistake once.”

As a result, the woman is left dealing with “depressive feelings” and “guilt.”

You might be able to relate to this poor woman’s scenario. By making you believe their actions are entirely your fault, the gaslighting individual maintains the upper hand. 

In this scenario, which might potentially be very familiar to you, it’s important to know that cheating is a choice, not a natural reaction.

Don’t buy into the narrative that you drove them to it. 

Everyone has a choice, so be sure to hold them accountable for their actions.

Final thoughts

To sum things up, gaslighters have a cultivated flair for chipping away at your self-esteem and loosening your grip on reality.

You’ll notice they do this by painting themselves as superior or authoritative, plus they will often excessively blame you for their poor behavior or decision making.

These textbook gaslighters might also rely on sexist stereotypes to paint you as a hysterical woman, and often, they will cut down communication altogether in order to gain the upper hand.

Remember, the key to dealing with gaslighters is to keep your grip on reality tight. 

Don’t let their tactics of persuasion cloud your judgment. It’s time to reclaim your narrative.