11 signs you’re in a relationship with someone who can’t express their feelings

Relationships require vulnerability.

That’s why nothing can hurt us the way that love can.

But no matter the risks, we have to share our feelings with the people we love. It’s the only way to build true intimacy, which is the bedrock of all relationships.

On the other hand, not everyone is as comfortable expressing their feelings. There can be lots of reasons why a person might struggle to express their emotions, from past trauma to embarrassment about the way they feel.

Here are some signs you may be in a relationship with someone who has trouble expressing their emotions:

1) They avoid commitment

In the early days of a relationship, it’s easy to coast on pure vibes. When the adrenaline and attraction are running high, when your brain is lighting up with that dopamine hit, it’s easy to know what each other are feeling.

But relationships, like sharks, keep moving or die.

Sooner or later, the time comes to make a commitment to each other. Maybe that’s agreeing to be exclusive to one another. Maybe it’s moving in together. Maybe it’s getting engaged or getting married.

Whatever it is, if a person won’t commit to you, it may be because they are afraid that in doing so, they will expose their feelings.

I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this. I dated my partner for ten years before we got married. 

It wasn’t because I didn’t love her, or because I wanted to keep my options open. Honestly, it was more to do with the fact that I don’t like weddings and don’t particularly value marriage as an institution.

There are lots of reasons a person may avoid commitment in a relationship. However, very few of them are harmless. If your partner won’t make a commitment to you, it may well be that they are unable to express their emotions.

2) They avoid intimacy

Good relationships are built on intimacy. And intimacy can take many forms. Intimacy can be:

• Sexual
• Emotional
• Intellectual (sharing your thoughts and opinions with one another)
• Recreational (sharing hobbies with one another)
• Spiritual

But whatever form intimacy takes, it can be scary for people who have a hard time expressing their emotions.

That means they may avoid intimate settings with you. They may shy away from having deep conversations that would lead to intellectual intimacy, or even try to avoid sexual intimacy because it makes them feel too exposed.

Unfortunately, relationships that lack intimacy are often doomed.

That’s why it’s important to try and get your emotionally closed-off partner to open up.

3) They lack empathy

Sometimes, people who refuse to share their emotions do so because they don’t have that many emotions to share.

Some people lack empathy. That means they can’t put themselves in another person’s position and understand the emotions the other person might feel.

This is a serious warning sign in a relationship.

Here’s the thing: people who lack empathy often make selfish and inconsiderate partners. There are various reasons why a person may lack empathy, ranging from past trauma to mental illness.

But a lack of empathy is a sure sign of someone who is unable to open up emotionally.

4) They value independence a little too highly

We all have different ideas about personal freedom and independence.

Speaking personally, independence is crucially important to me. I like to spend a lot of time alone, and I like to rely only on myself. 

This has caused problems for me in relationships in the past when I tried to maintain a level of independence that didn’t fit with the personality of the person I was with.

Now, that’s not to say that independence is a bad thing, even in a relationship. Being with somebody else doesn’t mean you forfeit your own personality and needs entirely. And nobody should need a relationship to complete them.

On the other hand, those who prize their independence often have a hard time opening up to others emotionally.

That’s certainly true for me.

5) They get defensive when pressed

It can be frustrating being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t convey how they feel. When you care for someone, you have all these deep and significant feelings, and it’s natural to want to hear that they feel the same way.

For that reason, there is often a big temptation to get an uncommunicative partner to open up to you and tell you how they feel.

The trouble is, people who struggle to express their emotions can often get defensive when you ask them to do something they are not comfortable doing.

Every relationship relies to some degree on respecting one another’s boundaries. So it’s important not to push too hard.

On the other hand, if your partner gets defensive when you ask them about their feelings, it’s a good sign they are not comfortable showing you their emotions.

6) They avoid emotional connections with others

No one’s life should be solely about their romantic partner. We all have different relationships in our lives that come with various emotional connections.

But often, people who have difficulty expressing their feelings will avoid those kinds of emotional connections. Because to form them, they would have to show other people how they feel.

Does your partner have very few close friends? Are they distant from their family? If so, a possible cause is that they are unwilling or unable to open up and show people how they really feel.

7) “I’m fine” is their favorite phrase

I’m guilty of this one, too.

When asked how they are feeling, people who have a hard time expressing emotion will often say “I’m fine” or something similar. It’s a way of shutting down a conversation and avoiding having to share emotions with somebody else.

The trouble is, emotions don’t go away just because you don’t admit to having them. An emotionally guarded person will still feel everything, no matter how much they try to pretend otherwise.

If your partner’s standard response to any question that touches on feelings is, “I’m fine”, you may well be dealing with someone who can’t express emotions properly.

8) They sometimes have emotional outbursts

Remember what I said about how emotions don’t go away just because you don’t talk about them?

Sometimes, emotionally guarded people will have emotional outbursts. These outbursts can be quite shocking and often seem out of proportion to what caused them.

That’s because all the emotions they have bottled up have to get out somehow. Once they lose control of their emotions, they lose control big.

It might seem like a paradox, but frequent emotional outbursts can often be a sign of someone who is not sharing their emotions enough.

9) They avoid conflict

Most of us don’t like conflict. Unfortunately, it’s an unavoidable part of life and of relationships.

Sometimes, we need to have conflict even with the people closest to us to improve our relationships.

However, people who can’t express their feelings often avoid conflict because they don’t want to tell you how they really feel.

If your partner would rather leave the room than argue with you, it may be a sign that they’re not simply trying to keep the peace. Instead, they may be avoiding conflict as a way of avoiding sharing their feelings with you.

10) They don’t trust anyone

Often, people guard their emotions because they are afraid of being hurt. As a result, people who don’t express their feelings often have a hard time trusting anyone.

This suspicious nature means that people who don’t express their feelings often have real trouble building strong relationships.

Even worse, this can become a vicious cycle. Since they struggle to get close to anyone, emotionally closed-off people become even more isolated and even more reserved.

11) They can’t take a compliment

People who can’t express their feelings often have a hard time being praised. That’s because being complimented can stir up positive feelings, and that’s exactly what these people are most uncomfortable with.

Does your partner change the subject whenever you or anybody else tries to compliment them? Do they avoid signs of affection such as pet names or even pull away from physical affection such as hugs?

If so, there’s a good chance that they have a hard time expressing their feelings.

Related stories from The Expert Editor: 10 signs you’re in a relationship with a true gentleman 

Relationships with people who can’t express emotion

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t express how they feel can be very difficult.

There are lots of reasons why some people are more emotionally closed off than others. For some people, all it takes is a little time and gentle encouragement, and they will learn how to be more open about the way they feel.

For others, their reserve may be grounded in mental illness or trauma.

Ultimately, it’s up to you how you respond to a partner who won’t express their emotions. 

But if intimacy is important to you, you may soon find that a person who can’t express their feelings isn’t the right choice for a relationship.

Also read: 7 signs you’re with a great woman who just isn’t right for you