7 signs you’re the one causing conflict in your relationship

We all play a role in our relationships, but sometimes that role is more of an antagonist than we’d like to admit.

You might reflect on your interactions with your partner and struggle to recall moments of calm and harmony, or feel uncertain if the arguments you encounter are normal or not.

How do you know if you are truly the one stirring up conflict in your relationship, or if it’s just the typical ups and downs most couples experience?

Here are 7 signs that might help you navigate the emotional labyrinth of your love life.

1) You find fault in everything your partner does

Often, conflict is born out of dissatisfaction, and if you find yourself constantly displeased with your partner’s actions – big or small – you may be the one igniting the flames of discord.

Whether it’s about their way of doing household chores or their choice of words, if you’re regularly finding reasons to criticize or argue, it might signal that the issue lies more with you than with them.

It’s crucial to remember that everyone has their own unique way of doing things and respecting these differences forms the bedrock of a healthy relationship.

If you’re always on the lookout for mistakes instead of appreciating their efforts, it may be time to evaluate your own viewpoint and approach towards your partner.

2) You’re always on the defensive

Good communication is really important in relationships, but if you always find yourself getting defensive, it can create problems.

Being always ready to argue against any feedback from your partner can lead to conflict and make them feel like you’re not listening.

This defensiveness can cause a lot of tension and make your partner feel unimportant because their thoughts and feelings aren’t being taken seriously.

If you tend to deflect criticism or refuse to admit any issues, it shows that you might not be willing to work on the problems in the relationship.

This not only stops you from growing but also stops the relationship from getting better.

It’s key to understand that not all criticism is an attack on you.

Sometimes, your partner is just trying to express their needs or feelings in the hope that things can improve.

Learning how to take criticism in a positive way is crucial to having a respectful and strong relationship.

3) You avoid discussions about the future

I remember a time in my own relationship when the mere mention of future plans would make me uncomfortable and I would quickly change the subject.

Looking back, I now realize that by avoiding these discussions, I was causing conflict in my relationship.

It made my partner feel that I wasn’t committed or serious about us.

Whether it was discussing where to spend the holidays or talking about long-term goals like buying a house or starting a family, my resistance to engage in these conversations created an atmosphere of uncertainty and tension.

It’s crucial to understand that discussing the future doesn’t mean you’re locked into anything, it simply shows your partner that you see them in yours.

4) You struggle to apologize

Saying “I’m sorry” may seem easy, but it’s actually a powerful tool for fixing disagreements and bringing peace back into a relationship.

It’s super important for keeping a healthy back-and-forth with others and helps everyone feel better after fights.

Research shows that couples who say sorry to each other usually have relationships that are both stronger and can get through tough times and arguments better.

Apologies work like a medicine, making hurtful words or actions hurt a bit less and helping to find a way to make up.

But if you find it hard to say these powerful words or admit when you’ve messed up, you might be accidentally making conflicts in your relationship worse.

This difficulty can make a wall, stopping good communication and making it hard to make things right after a fight.

Saying sorry is not a sign of being weak.

In fact, it shows empathy, understanding, and being smart about emotions. 

It’s really important to understand and remember that saying sorry doesn’t always mean you agree you’re wrong.

It shows you’re willing to be humble and understanding to keep the peace and happiness that forms the base of your relationship.

It means understanding that the relationship, the whole thing, is more important than any small fights or disagreements.

5) You keep score

Once in a past relationship, I kept a mental note of every mistake my partner made, big or small.

It wasn’t just a memory; it was like keeping a detailed score in a silent competition, where I always remembered when I was right and they were wrong.

This score-keeping wasn’t harmless and actually created a space for growing resentment and never-ending conflict.

It became a cycle where, instead of solving problems and working through our issues, I was stuck in the past, holding tightly onto old grievances, viewing our relationship through the lens of past errors.

This way of acting surprisingly blocked healthy communication and stopped us from moving through the ups and downs of our relationship smoothly.

On the other hand, healthy relationships grow and move through tough times with forgiveness and a shared choice to let go of imperfections.

The spirit of being in a partnership is to work together towards a peaceful future, not to stay wrapped up in past failures.

Accepting each other’s faults, admitting mistakes, and choosing to move forward without keeping a mental tally strengthens a relationship, allowing it to endure through times of difficulty and stress. 

6) You’re quick to jump to conclusions

Jumping to conclusions without having a full understanding of a situation can be a significant source of conflict in a relationship.

If you find yourself often assuming the worst, creating scenarios in your head, or accusing your partner without concrete evidence, you might be the one causing unnecessary friction.

Your hasty judgments could be pushing your partner away and making them feel misunderstood.

It’s important to remember that open and honest communication is vital in any relationship.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, try asking questions and expressing your concerns in a non-accusatory manner.

Understanding is always more beneficial than assumption.

7) You’re not actively listening

Listening carefully to your partner means more than just hearing their words.

It’s really about making the effort to understand what they’re saying, how they’re feeling, and seeing things from their viewpoint.

True, thoughtful listening can make a big difference in how strong and healthy your relationship is.

When you don’t listen properly, you’re telling your partner that what they think and feel doesn’t really matter to you.

Not being heard can make your partner feel unhappy and unimportant.

It can also create bad feelings and mistrust between you two, making it harder to get through tough times together.

Remember that listening isn’t just sitting quietly while you wait for your turn to talk.

It’s about showing your partner that you empathize with them and understand what they’re going through.

Good listening helps both of you feel appreciated and valued, and it strengthens your connection, helping your relationship get through difficult moments more smoothly.