7 things adult children quietly resent their parents for—but rarely say out loud

Parenting is one of those roles no one ever fully masters. We do the best we can with what we know at the time, but none of us gets it perfectly right.

There’s no handbook thick enough to cover the messiness of raising another human being.

And while children may not bring up certain grievances when they’re young, many carry quiet resentments into adulthood—grievances they rarely put into words.

Sometimes these feelings come out later in therapy sessions, sometimes in hushed conversations with friends, and other times they never leave the child’s heart at all.

And the tricky part? Parents are often blindsided, convinced that everything was fine.

As someone who’s both raised children and now watches my grandchildren navigate life, I’ve seen how these unspoken truths echo across generations.

They don’t always shout—but they whisper. And those whispers shape how adult children relate to their parents, their partners, and even their own kids.

So let’s pull the curtain back and talk about seven of the big ones.

1. Never apologizing for mistakes

Think back: how many times did your parents admit they were wrong? For some, the answer is “never.”

There’s a generational piece here. Many parents from earlier decades believed authority should never be questioned. To admit fault was to lose respect. But for the child on the receiving end, a lack of apology often feels like a denial of reality.

When parents never apologize, the child grows up thinking their pain is invisible. It leaves them with the quiet resentment of feeling unheard.

Studies support this. Research on parental apologies, empathy, shame, and attachment finds that parents who are more willing to apologize tend to foster more secure attachment relationships with their children.

And honestly, how many conflicts in life could be softened by just five simple words: “I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

Adult children don’t expect perfection. What they often wish is that their parents could own their mistakes instead of brushing them aside with “I did my best” or “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

An apology doesn’t erase the past, but it does validate the child’s experience.

2. Putting their dreams above the child’s

We all want the best for our kids. But sometimes “the best” is code for “what I wish I had done.”

Maybe a parent pushed a child into medicine when they longed to study art. Or perhaps they pressured them into marriage when independence would have suited them better.

The resentment that grows here is subtle but powerful: the child feels they lived someone else’s dream instead of their own.

Winston Churchill once said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” And one of the greatest gifts parents can give is the freedom to choose their own path.

I know a man in his sixties who still regrets not pursuing music because his father insisted he take over the family business.

He was a dutiful son, but inside he resented both the business and the pressure. That resentment never fully left.

Adult children often keep this quiet, not wanting to seem ungrateful. But the ache of unfulfilled dreams lingers.

3. Playing favorites, even subtly

You don’t have to say the words “you’re my favorite” for children to feel the imbalance. A little extra praise here, a little less patience there—it all adds up.

Maybe one sibling was always celebrated as “the athletic one,” while another was labeled “the difficult one.” Parents may not even notice they’re doing it, but children do. And those quiet comparisons can create lifelong wounds.

A long-term Cornell University study found that perceived favoritism in families leads to more sibling rivalry, lower self-esteem, and even higher rates of depression—effects that carry into adulthood.

When parents deny it (“I loved you all equally!”), it can feel dismissive. Adult children often wish their parents would just acknowledge: “Yes, maybe I treated you differently sometimes. And I’m sorry for the hurt that caused.”

Resentment here isn’t about jealousy; it’s about fairness. Children crave to be seen for who they are, not measured against their siblings.

4. Dismissing their emotions

“Stop crying.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Don’t be such a baby.”

How many of us heard phrases like these growing up? I’ll admit it—I said words like this a few times to my own son when I was younger.

Back then, I thought I was teaching toughness. Now, I see I was teaching him to doubt his own feelings.

The damage of emotional dismissal is profound. Kids who grow up hearing their emotions minimized often become adults who don’t trust themselves. They bottle things up. They assume their pain isn’t valid.

Brené Brown has said: “What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” Yet that’s exactly what dismissing emotions does—it shames kids for having natural, human reactions.

Adult children often resent that they never had permission to feel what they felt. They long for the validation they never got: “It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be upset. Your feelings matter.”

5. Using love as a bargaining chip

Love should be steady, unconditional, and reliable. But some children grow up learning that love had strings attached.

“I’ll be proud of you when you get straight A’s.”
“If you loved me, you’d do what I say.”

This kind of conditional affection leaves a scar. Adult children raised this way often carry quiet resentment, not because they weren’t loved at all, but because they felt they had to earn that love.

Albert Einstein put it beautifully: “Unconditional love is the only thing that can conquer human egotism.” And yet, when love is tied to performance, children learn to chase approval instead of resting in belonging.

The adult version of this resentment often looks like self-doubt. They might succeed wildly in their careers but still wonder if they’re enough.

Inside, they wish they could tell their parents: “I shouldn’t have had to earn your love. I just needed to know it was there.”

6. Controlling their choices well into adulthood

One of the hardest lessons for parents is learning when to step back. What starts as guiding children can slowly morph into controlling them—sometimes even after they’re grown.

Criticizing a career choice, questioning a partner, weighing in on how the grandkids are raised—it’s often well-intentioned. But to the adult child, it feels suffocating.

I’ve mentioned this before, but research in Child Psychiatry & Human Development shows that higher parental overcontrol (i.e. low autonomy granting, excessive regulation) predicts greater anxiety in children over time.

No wonder adult children resent it. They want to be trusted to live their own lives—even if that means stumbling.

One young woman once told me, “I just wish my mom could cheer me on instead of constantly telling me what I should be doing.” That wish is common. Guidance is welcome; control is not.

7. Not modeling self-care or healthy relationships

Children notice everything. They watch how parents treat themselves, how they manage stress, and how they handle relationships.

If a parent never rested, always put themselves last, or stayed stuck in toxic dynamics, kids internalized those patterns.

Many adults quietly resent that they had to figure out healthy boundaries, self-care, and emotional regulation on their own.

As Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic emperor, once wrote: “Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” Children learn more from what their parents do than what they say.

I’ve seen this in families where parents constantly preached discipline but never practiced self-control, or where they told kids to value education while never picking up a book themselves. The double standard is hard to shake.

Adult children often wish their parents had modeled resilience, self-respect, and care—not just for their sake, but for the example it would have set.

Final thoughts

Resentment doesn’t usually erupt in loud arguments. More often, it sits quietly in the heart, shaping how adult children interact with their parents—and how they see themselves.

If you’re a parent, maybe one or two of these points hit a nerve. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

It means there’s room for reflection and, perhaps, a healing conversation. Sometimes just saying, “I realize I could have done better” opens the door to connection.

And if you’re an adult child, maybe you recognize yourself in this list. The question is: what’s the one conversation you’ve been avoiding, but might need to have?

Because here’s the truth: unspoken resentments have a way of festering. Spoken ones, on the other hand, have a chance to be healed.