8 conversation patterns that instantly reveal someone is toxic, according to psychology

We’ve all had those conversations that leave us feeling oddly drained, even when nothing overtly negative was said. Ever noticed that? You walk away thinking, why do I feel smaller after talking to that person?

That’s usually a sign you’ve brushed up against toxic communication. The thing is, toxic people rarely come with labels. They don’t announce, “Hey, I’m about to manipulate you.”

Instead, their behavior shows up in repeated conversation patterns—subtle cues that psychology tells us are deeply revealing.

And once you learn to spot them, you’ll see them everywhere.

So let’s dive into eight of the most telling patterns.

1. Constant criticism disguised as “helpful advice”

Have you ever had someone tell you they’re “just being honest” or “only trying to help”—but their words feel more like a dagger than a gift?

Psychologists call this covert aggression. On the surface, it looks like feedback. In reality, it’s nitpicking, fault-finding, or belittling under the guise of concern. Over time, it chips away at confidence and breeds self-doubt.

Sure, constructive criticism has its place. But the difference is intent. A healthy person wants to build you up. A toxic one wants to keep you down.

I once had a colleague who seemed incapable of praising anyone without attaching a qualifier.

If someone gave a presentation, she’d say, “That was good, but you should really work on your delivery.” If someone dressed up for an event, it was, “That color looks nice on you, though the style isn’t very flattering.”

Eventually, you realized her “helpfulness” wasn’t helpful at all—it was a power play.

As Winston Churchill once said, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body.” The key is that it should serve a purpose. When it doesn’t, it’s not guidance—it’s poison.

2. Playing the victim in every story

I once worked with someone who could twist any conversation into a tale of how the world was out to get them. Bosses were unfair, friends were ungrateful, life just dealt them a bad hand. Every. Single. Time.

Now, don’t get me wrong—we all face setbacks. But when someone consistently casts themselves as the helpless victim, it’s usually a manipulation strategy.

Research into interpersonal victimhood has found that people who habitually adopt a victimhood mindset are more likely to behave selfishly and uncooperatively, treating their suffering as justification for entitlement.

They use their “suffering” to justify mistreating others, or to guilt people into doing what they want.

The pattern is easy to spot: there’s never accountability, just blame. If you notice this becoming a theme, it’s less about bad luck and more about toxic narrative-building.

3. Backhanded compliments

“Wow, you look great… I didn’t expect that outfit to suit you!”

Sound familiar? Backhanded compliments are a classic sign of toxicity. They confuse you because they mix praise with insult. On the surface, it’s flattery. Underneath, it’s an attempt to undermine.

Psychologists describe this as indirect aggression. It’s harder to call out because it’s wrapped in sugar. Yet it leaves the same bitter aftertaste as outright insult.

I remember a neighbor who once told me, “You’re surprisingly good with your grandchildren for someone who doesn’t seem like the ‘fun’ type.”

I laughed politely at the time, but later realized it was less a compliment and more a jab wrapped in a smile.

That’s how these remarks work—they sneak in doubt while disguising it as admiration.

4. Constantly steering the spotlight back to themselves

Ever shared something meaningful—maybe about your kids, your work, or even just what you had for dinner—only to have the other person hijack the conversation with their own bigger, better story?

This isn’t always toxic; some people are simply unaware. But when it’s a consistent pattern, it signals narcissistic tendencies.

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, notes that narcissists often dominate conversations, showing little curiosity about others. It’s not dialogue, it’s monologue.

If you walk away from a conversation realizing you did all the listening and none of the talking, that’s a red flag. Relationships should feel like a two-way street, not a one-man parade.

5. Gaslighting through denial or distortion

This one is particularly damaging. Gaslighting is when someone makes you question your own reality. They’ll say, “I never said that,” even when you know they did. Or, “You’re being too sensitive,” when you react reasonably.

The American Psychological Association notes that gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse designed to destabilize the victim.

It works by planting seeds of doubt—slowly eroding your confidence in your own memory, feelings, and judgment.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Even small, frequent distortions of truth can leave you second-guessing yourself.

If you find yourself replaying conversations in your head to check if you “imagined it,” chances are you didn’t. You were gaslit.

As I covered in a previous post, trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. Without it, communication becomes a minefield. Gaslighting is one of the fastest ways to blow that trust apart.

6. Using sarcasm as a weapon

I enjoy a bit of lighthearted banter as much as anyone—my grandchildren sometimes tease me about my outdated tech skills, and I laugh along. But sarcasm changes tone when it’s constant, biting, and aimed to wound.

Psychology Today highlights that toxic sarcasm often masks hostility. It gives the speaker cover: “I was only joking.” But the target knows it wasn’t a joke at all.

Here’s the test: after repeated exposure, do you feel uplifted or diminished? Genuine humor bonds. Toxic sarcasm isolates.

As Mark Twain famously quipped, “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.” Sarcasm born out of bitterness isn’t humor—it’s resentment dressed up for dinner.

7. Shifting goalposts in arguments

Have you ever noticed how some people never let you “win” a conversation? You clarify a point, and they change the subject. You answer their question, and suddenly the rules of debate shift.

This tactic, often called moving the goalposts, is a way to keep you on the defensive. It ensures they always come out on top, no matter how rational your arguments are.

Psychologists note this is common among people with control issues. By constantly altering the criteria for being “right,” they guarantee that you’ll always be “wrong.”

As Albert Einstein once said, “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”

When someone constantly shifts the truth, they’re not interested in resolution. They’re interested in dominance.

8. Love-bombing followed by withdrawal

This one often shows up in toxic relationships, but you’ll sometimes see it in friendships or even at work. At first, the person showers you with praise, attention, and charm. You feel valued, even special.

Then, without warning, they pull back—cold, distant, critical. The cycle repeats, leaving you off-balance and eager to earn their approval again.

Psychologists describe this as intermittent reinforcement, the same mechanism that makes slot machines addictive. It’s powerful because the unpredictability keeps you hooked.

A friend of mine once had a manager like this—one day he’d gush about her work, calling her the best on the team. The next, he’d barely acknowledge her or nitpick tiny mistakes.

She stayed far longer than she should have, caught in the cycle of trying to recapture his approval. That’s exactly why this tactic is so effective—and so toxic.

Final thoughts

Toxicity doesn’t always show up in dramatic fights or outright abuse. More often, it seeps into conversations—through subtle patterns that psychology helps us recognize.

I’m the first to admit I don’t know everything, but I’ve learned this: when you pay attention to how people speak, not just what they say, you get a much clearer picture of who they are.

The beauty of spotting these patterns is that it gives you choice. You don’t have to absorb the poison. You can set boundaries, step back, or decide where your energy goes.

So the next time you feel drained after a chat, ask yourself: did you just hear one of these patterns? And more importantly—what are you going to do about it?