If you display these 8 behaviors, you’re the toxic one in the family

No family is perfect. We all have our quirks, our bad days, and those moments when we say things we wish we could take back.

But sometimes, patterns emerge that go beyond the odd slip-up. If you’ve ever wondered why family gatherings feel tense, or why certain relatives seem to keep their distance, it might be time to look in the mirror.

I won’t pretend to have it all figured out, but I’ve lived long enough—and made enough mistakes myself—to know that we can sometimes be the problem without even realizing it.

The good news? Once you recognize these behaviors, you can change them.

So let’s walk through eight of the most common ways people accidentally become the “toxic” one in their family.

1. Constantly criticizing instead of encouraging

Have you ever found yourself pointing out what’s wrong more often than what’s right? I know I have. A family member’s haircut, their parenting style, even how they load the dishwasher—it can be easy to nitpick.

But constant criticism chips away at people’s sense of belonging. As Winston Churchill once said, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body.”

The trouble is, in families, relentless criticism stops being constructive and just starts to hurt.

Research backs this up. Studies from the University of Georgia have shown that marital satisfaction rises significantly when partners feel appreciated, even in small ways.

It’s not so different in family life: the more people feel noticed for the good they do, the more resilient the bonds become.

If every word out of your mouth feels like a judgment, people stop listening—and worse, they stop wanting to be around you.

Balance correction with encouragement. Sometimes, what someone needs most is not advice but a pat on the back.

2. Always needing to be right

Let me ask you: how often do you “win” family arguments? And at what cost?

Insisting on being right all the time—about politics, money, how to roast a turkey—creates tension. It tells everyone else that their opinions and experiences don’t matter.

I’ve fallen into this trap myself. Once, I argued with my brother about the “right” way to season a holiday roast.

Looking back, it seems ridiculous that I dug in my heels over a pinch of thyme versus rosemary. But the damage wasn’t the herb—it was the way I made him feel dismissed.

I once read a line from Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People: “You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”

Families aren’t debate clubs. Sometimes the best gift you can give is letting a disagreement slide.

Being right might feel satisfying in the moment, but preserving respect and warmth in your family is far more rewarding in the long run.

3. Playing the victim

Here’s a tough one: do you often position yourself as the one who’s been wronged? Maybe it’s “No one ever appreciates me” or “I do everything around here.”

Playing the victim drains the emotional energy of a family. It shifts the focus from shared joy or problem-solving to endless pity parties.

And while there are real struggles we all go through, constantly framing yourself as the martyr only breeds resentment.

Psychological research now frames this pattern as the Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood (TIV)—a stable personality trait characterized by a persistent feeling of being wronged, paired with rumination, a need for acknowledgment, moral elitism, and low empathy.

People high in TIV are more likely to perceive interpersonal conflicts as personal attacks—and as a result, may generate more friction in close relationships.

Why? Because it prevents genuine accountability and cooperation.

Instead of leaning into blame, try asking: “What role did I play in this situation?” That small shift can turn you from a source of tension into a source of strength.

4. Using guilt as a weapon

“After all I’ve done for you…”
“Don’t you care about your own family?”

Sound familiar? Guilt trips might get short-term results—a visit, a phone call, someone caving to your wishes—but they damage relationships long-term. People begin to associate you with manipulation rather than love.

As Brené Brown wisely put it, “Guilt is just as powerful, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. Guilt is: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame is: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.”

When you use guilt as a lever, you cross the line into shame, and that can fracture bonds that take years to rebuild.

I remember a Christmas years ago when a relative skipped dinner because of work. Another family member muttered, “Well, clearly we’re not important enough.”

That one comment sparked weeks of tension. A simple “We missed you” would have expressed the same feeling without the emotional blackmail.

If you want family members to want to be present, let love—not manipulation—be the invitation.

5. Refusing to take responsibility

Picture this: something goes wrong in the family—an argument, a broken promise, a missed birthday—and instead of owning your part, you always point the finger.

Refusing to take responsibility creates an environment where trust erodes. If no one can count on you to admit your mistakes, they’ll stop confiding in you altogether.

Owning up isn’t easy—I’ve had to eat my fair share of humble pie—but it’s a cornerstone of healthy relationships. A simple “You’re right, I messed up” does more to heal wounds than a dozen excuses.

Harry Truman once said, “The buck stops here.” Families need people who are willing to stop the buck—who will own their part without shifting blame. That simple act builds credibility and models humility for everyone else.

6. Turning every conversation back to yourself

We’ve all been guilty of this at some point: someone shares a story about their job, and suddenly you’re telling one of your own. A relative talks about their health, and you hijack it with your medical history.

When this becomes a habit, people start to feel invisible. Families thrive when everyone feels heard.

Einstein once said, “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.” In family life, being of value often means listening—really listening—without immediately making it about you.

One of the best lessons I’ve learned as a grandfather is to keep quiet when my grandkids tell me about their little victories.

My urge is to say, “That reminds me of when I was your age…” But when I just nod, ask questions, and let them bask in their moment, I see their confidence bloom.

If you want deeper family connections, resist the pull to make conversations about yourself. Practice listening more than you speak.

7. Holding grudges instead of forgiving

Do you keep a mental scoreboard of every slight, every wrong word, every forgotten favor? Families that operate on grudges are families that suffocate under the weight of the past.

I remember once carrying a grudge against a sibling for years over something small. Looking back, I barely remember the details—but I do remember the strain it caused.

Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic philosopher, once noted: “The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It means choosing peace over bitterness. And peace is what allows families to breathe again.

Growing research supports this: forgiveness has been shown to reduce anxiety and depression, improve sleep, lower blood pressure, and even promote heart health.

It enhances overall emotional well-being and cultivates healthier social bonds.

When you hold onto grudges, you’re not just hurting the other person—you’re raising your own blood pressure, too.

Letting go may feel like surrender, but in truth, it’s an act of strength.

8. Controlling instead of respecting boundaries

This one is a classic: telling adult children how to raise their kids, barging into siblings’ decisions, or expecting access to every detail of everyone’s life.

Control might come from love, fear, or habit—but whatever the cause, it strangles relationships. Families thrive when there’s respect for boundaries.

I’ve mentioned this before in another post: love and respect must go hand in hand. Without respect, love feels like control.

Try stepping back. Let family members make their own choices, even if you wouldn’t make the same ones. Respect doesn’t mean agreement—it means giving others the dignity of their own decisions.

Recent data from Pew Research shows how deeply interdependent modern families are, with emotional and financial ties still strong, but there’s also a shift: younger generations prize autonomy and maturity more than ever.

Many resist being micromanaged, yet appreciate supportive relationships built on mutual respect.

If you want to stay close to your kids and grandkids, respecting their independence is no longer optional—it’s essential.

Final thoughts

If you saw yourself in a few of these points, don’t panic. We’ve all slipped into these habits at one time or another. What matters is whether you’re willing to acknowledge them and make changes.

Toxicity isn’t a permanent label—it’s a behavior pattern that can be unlearned. And with families, every small shift toward kindness, responsibility, and respect makes the whole group healthier.

So let me leave you with a question: next time you’re with your family, what’s one small change you could make that would bring more harmony instead of tension?