People who are deeply empathetic but struggle to connect with others usually had these 9 childhood experiences

Some folks seem to feel everything—your pain, your joy, even your exhaustion after a long day—yet still find it hard to forge real, lasting bonds.

I’ve seen it countless times in friends, family, and readers who write to me. On the surface, they’re warm and kind. Underneath, there’s a quiet barrier keeping people at arm’s length.

More often than not, those barriers didn’t appear out of nowhere. They were shaped long ago—during childhood—by experiences that taught them to care deeply, but also to tread cautiously.

These are the kinds of experiences that make you an excellent listener, the sort of person others instinctively trust with their secrets.

But they can also make you hesitant to share your own inner world, which is where the real connection lives.

Let’s walk through nine of the most common ones.

1. Growing up in an emotionally unpredictable home

If you never knew whether you’d come home to hugs or hostility, you probably learned to scan people’s moods like a weather report.

That kind of emotional hyper-awareness can make you incredibly empathetic—you’ve had years of practice reading subtle cues.

I’ve seen this in people who can tell you what mood their friend is in just by the sound of their footsteps on the porch. That skill can be a gift, but it’s also exhausting when you can’t turn it off.

The flip side is that you may live in a constant state of low-grade vigilance.

Instead of simply enjoying a conversation, you might be mentally bracing for a sudden change in tone, even when there’s no real threat. Over time, that wears down your ability to feel safe in closeness.

2. Being the “emotional caretaker” for a parent

Some kids end up comforting their mother after a breakup, or calming their father after a stressful day. If that was you, you probably became attuned to other people’s emotions at a very young age.

While this can give you a huge capacity for compassion, it also trains you to put your needs aside. As an adult, you might hesitate to open up or seek comfort because you’re so used to being the one who holds it all together.

I remember speaking with a woman in her fifties who said she could count on one hand the number of times she had cried in front of someone else.

She had been the “rock” in her family for so long that vulnerability felt foreign, even unsafe. That’s the kind of conditioning that can take years to unwind.

3. Experiencing inconsistent affection

One day your parent might be overflowing with love, the next day distant or distracted. This push-pull dynamic can leave you guessing whether closeness is safe.

It’s not that you don’t want deep connection—you crave it—but somewhere in your mind, love feels unreliable. You may keep part of yourself hidden, just in case the other person pulls away.

It’s a bit like holding a beautiful seashell you’ve found at the shore. You admire it, you value it, but you never grip it too tightly because you’re sure the tide will take it away sooner or later.

4. Being praised only for helping or pleasing others

I once knew a man who told me his mother’s proudest moments were when he made her life easier. She never praised his creativity or independence, only his “good behavior” and willingness to help.

If you grew up like that, you probably learned that your worth comes from meeting others’ needs. You become exceptionally good at sensing and filling those needs—yet struggle when it comes to expressing your own, fearing it might make you “less lovable.”

This can be especially tricky in relationships, because people might think you’re naturally reserved when in reality you’ve just learned to put your own wants at the bottom of the list.

5. Enduring harsh criticism when you made mistakes

Some children hear more about what they did wrong than what they did right. Even small errors are met with sharp words or disappointment.

Over time, this can lead to deep empathy—you know how hurtful criticism feels, so you tread carefully with others. But it can also make you guarded, afraid that letting someone see your imperfections will push them away.

As Winston Churchill once said, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary.”

The trouble is, when it’s constant and cutting, it doesn’t guide you—it just wounds you. And when you grow up feeling that any slip-up could be used against you, you learn to show people only the “safe” parts of yourself.

6. Witnessing constant conflict between parents or caregivers

Children in high-conflict households often develop a keen radar for tension. You become an expert at detecting the slightest rise in volume or change in body language.

While this skill can help you sense when someone’s upset before they even say a word, it can also make you wary of intimacy.

Disagreements feel dangerous, so you might avoid deeper relationships altogether, fearing they’ll end in chaos.

I’ve met people who say they’d rather end a relationship early than risk a big fight down the road. That’s the kind of protective logic that makes perfect sense when you’re young—and can hold you back when you’re grown.

7. Being taught to hide or dismiss your feelings

“Stop crying.” “Don’t be silly.” “You’re overreacting.” If those phrases were common in your childhood, you might have learned that emotions—especially your own—are inconvenient.

This is where I think of something from Rudá Iandê’s Laughing in the Face of Chaos, a book I’ve mentioned before.

He writes, “Our emotions are not barriers, but profound gateways to the soul—portals to the vast, uncharted landscapes of our inner being.”

That line struck me. It made me realize how many people spend decades ignoring their feelings, when those feelings could actually lead to deeper self-understanding and richer connections.

If you’ve been trained to bury your emotions, you might also bury parts of yourself that other people could love, if only they had the chance to see them.

8. Being shamed for your sensitivity

If you were told you were “too sensitive,” you might have felt like there was something wrong with you. As a child, you may have tried to hide your reactions to avoid ridicule.

The result? You become adept at sensing emotions in others but reluctant to reveal your own. Your empathy works one way—you’re great at giving, hesitant at receiving.

Ironically, this often means you connect with people on an emotional level without ever letting them connect back to you. You become a confidant, but not a true equal in the relationship.

9. Growing up with constant instability

Frequent moves, changing schools, or never knowing where you’d be sleeping next week—these experiences can make relationships feel temporary.

When the ground beneath you keeps shifting, you learn not to get too attached. You might still care deeply for others, but part of you holds back, bracing for the inevitable goodbye.

I’ve met adults who can walk into a room and make everyone feel comfortable, but who have very few people they call “close friends.” That isn’t a lack of desire—it’s a habit formed in childhood, when every connection felt fleeting.

Final thoughts

I’m the first to admit I don’t know everything, but I’ve seen enough to know that these childhood experiences can shape the way we connect—or don’t connect—with others.

If any of these points struck a chord with you, know this: empathy and connection aren’t mutually exclusive. You can keep your deep sensitivity and still build bonds that feel safe and lasting.

It often starts with recognizing the old patterns for what they are—survival skills from another time in your life—and gently teaching yourself new ones.

That might mean letting people in a little at a time, sharing something personal, or allowing someone else to take care of you for once.

As Rudá Iandê reminds us in his book, “You have both the right and responsibility to explore and try until you know yourself deeply.”

That’s the heart of it—knowing yourself well enough to see where your empathy serves you, and where it quietly walls you off from others.

So here’s my question for you: which of these old lessons are you ready to rewrite?