Women who were never taught to love themselves growing up often exhibit these 9 behaviors as adults

I’ve worked with hundreds of women over the years, and I can tell you this: not being taught how to love yourself as a child leaves deep fingerprints on your adult life.

It doesn’t matter how put-together you might look on the outside—inside, there’s often a quiet struggle.

The good news? Once you see the patterns, you can start changing them.

Here are nine of the most common behaviors I’ve noticed—and maybe you’ll recognize a few in yourself.

1. They downplay their needs

If you grew up believing other people’s happiness mattered more than yours, you might have learned to put your own needs on the back burner.

This can look like letting friends pick the restaurant every time, saying “it’s fine” when it’s not, or never voicing what you actually want in a relationship.

The problem? Constantly minimizing your own needs sends the message—to yourself and others—that they don’t matter. Over time, that erodes your sense of self-worth.

I often remind clients of something Michelle Obama said: “We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own to-do list.” It’s not selfish—it’s essential.

2. They mistake self-criticism for self-improvement

Some women think that if they stop pushing themselves with harsh self-talk, they’ll lose their edge.

But that inner voice saying, You’re not good enough. You’ll mess this up? That’s not motivation—that’s sabotage.

I’ve seen women achieve incredible things but still feel like frauds because they’ve internalized criticism as a way of life.

Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, highlights self-awareness—the ability to accurately perceive your own inner states—as a foundational element of emotional intelligence, enabling you to recognize when your inner critic is misleading you, rather than factually guiding your performance

If you want to grow, start replacing criticism with constructive self-reflection. There’s a big difference.

3. They settle for “good enough” relationships

When you’re not taught self-love, you often accept the bare minimum from others—because deep down, you don’t believe you deserve more.

I once worked with a woman who stayed in a relationship where her partner rarely listened to her, let alone supported her goals. When we unpacked why, she admitted she didn’t think anyone “better” would want her.

As Brené Brown puts it, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

When you truly value yourself, your standards naturally rise. And yes—that can mean walking away from situations that don’t meet them.

4. They apologize for existing

You’ve probably seen it: a woman says “sorry” for taking up space, for speaking in a meeting, or for simply having a different opinion.

Over-apologizing becomes second nature when you grow up feeling like you’re always “too much” or “in the way.”

Instead, try swapping “sorry” for phrases that reflect your worth. “Thanks for waiting” instead of “Sorry I’m late.” “I appreciate your time” instead of “Sorry to bother you.”

Small changes like these send a big message—to you and everyone around you—that you belong here just as much as anyone else.

5. They feel uncomfortable celebrating themselves

Here’s a question: When was the last time you told someone about a win without immediately downplaying it?

Women who weren’t taught self-love often see pride as arrogance, so they brush off compliments and act like their achievements “aren’t a big deal.”

I used to do this myself. I remember giving a talk that got amazing feedback, and instead of just saying “thank you,” I mumbled something about it being “no biggie.”

It wasn’t until a mentor called me out on it that I realized I was teaching people not to value my work.

Confidence is magnetic—and it starts with you giving yourself permission to own your success.

6. They chase validation like oxygen

If you didn’t get much affirmation growing up, you might find yourself chasing it now—through praise, social media likes, or constant reassurance from friends or partners.

But here’s the thing: external validation is a bottomless cup. No matter how much you get, it won’t feel like enough until you start validating yourself.

As Rudá Iandê writes in his book Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.” The same goes for your happiness—it’s your job, not someone else’s.

Reading that line hit me hard. It made me realize that relying on others to make me feel “enough” was like handing them the keys to my self-worth.

7. They avoid conflict at all costs

Conflict can be terrifying if you grew up in an environment where speaking up led to criticism or rejection.

So, many women learn to avoid it altogether—agreeing to things they don’t want, staying silent when boundaries are crossed, or brushing off hurtful behavior.

The problem? Avoiding conflict doesn’t keep the peace. It just shifts the cost onto you, leaving you resentful and disconnected.

Susan Cain, author of Quiet, has said, “There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.” You don’t have to be loud, but you do have to speak up for yourself.

8. They confuse perfection with worthiness

If you believe your value depends on being flawless, you’ll exhaust yourself chasing an impossible standard.

This often shows up as over-preparing, second-guessing every decision, or avoiding new opportunities for fear of making a mistake.

The truth? People connect with your humanity, not your perfection.

As Rudá Iandê puts it, “When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that’s delightfully real.”

When I read that, I realized how many moments I’d missed by being too focused on “getting it right” instead of just being present.

9. They put everyone else first—always

Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…

If you’ve been conditioned to see your worth in how much you give, you’ll run yourself ragged trying to be everything to everyone.

This can look like saying yes when you’re already stretched thin, skipping your own needs to accommodate someone else’s, or taking pride in being “the one everyone can count on”—even when it’s breaking you down.

Tony Robbins has said, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” And it’s true—you’re not at your best for anyone if you’re constantly running on fumes.

Learning to prioritize yourself isn’t about neglecting others. It’s about making sure you have enough energy, time, and joy to give from a place of wholeness instead of depletion.

Final thoughts

If you saw yourself in a few of these points, you’re not alone—and it’s not a life sentence.

These patterns were learned, which means they can be unlearned.

Start by noticing the small moments when you minimize yourself, apologize unnecessarily, or ignore your needs. Then, make one small change at a time.

And if you’re ready to dig deeper, I can’t recommend Rudá Iandê’s Laughing in the Face of Chaos enough. His insights reminded me that self-love isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about finally seeing that you were whole all along.

Because here’s the truth: the way you love yourself sets the tone for how the rest of the world will love you.