I worked sixty-hour weeks for eighteen years so my kids could have everything I didn't — and now they're adults who equate love with money because that's the only language I ever taught them to speak

I spent two decades of my life on the relentless treadmill of work: sixty-hour weeks, year after year. My mission? To give my kids everything I didn’t have. To show them love the only way I knew – through financial security and abundance.

Now, they have grown up, and the fruits of my labor are rather bittersweet. Why? They equate love with money. That’s the language I taught them. Brought them up in.

And I must ask, was it worth it? Was my well-intentioned hustle a mistake? This is the insight I want to share with you along the journey of parented the way I did and the surprising outcome that came with it.

1) Actions speak louder

During my marathon of working sixty-hour weeks, I thought I was setting a clear example. Hard work, I believed, was the cornerstone of life, the key to success and security.

And indeed, my kids saw my actions. They saw the late nights, the early mornings, the sacrifices. They were always provided with everything, never lacking. A proof that hard work pays off.

However, they watched these actions and formed their own interpretation. Instead of seeing the value in hard work, they saw money. That’s because, inadvertently, I made money the central character in our family story. And to this day, it remains the prime communicator, the love language my kids understand.

Reflecting now, it’s clear that what we model has a profound influence on our children. And sometimes, the message they receive isn’t the one we intend to send. It’s crucial for us as parents to understand this and approach our actions mindfully.

2) A lesson learned

Flashback to a few years into my routine of sixty-hour weeks when my son had his junior high graduation. I remember it well. That was one enormous milestone, his step closer to adulthood. But I missed it. I was locked up in my office, chasing another big deal that could provide even more for my family.

“I understand, Dad. You’re doing it for us,” my son’s words still echo in my mind when I had to break the news to him over a hurried breakfast. For a moment, I felt a slight relief. He understood. Or so I thought.

Later, I realized, he wasn’t deciphering it as “Dad has to work so we can enjoy such experiences”. Instead, he was translating it in his mind to “Money is more important than being present”. That graduation, an event that should have been a symbol of growth and joy, for him, was attached to the significance of money. Another thread of connection between love and money was tethered into their thought process.

It made me realize that giving our kids all we didn’t have doesn’t necessarily mean fanning money into their lives. Personal involvement, presence, these are immeasurable but invaluable commodities in the ‘currency of love’.

3) The power of financial literacy

Studies have shown that children, as young as three years old, can grasp financial concepts like saving and spending. And their money habits are formed by age seven. This youthful exposure to finances has a significant impact on how kids perceive and handle money as they grow.

I worked tirelessly to earn and showered my earnings on my children. In doing so, my kids understandably tied money with happiness and love. But what if I had put that energy into teaching them about fiscal responsibility, saving, patience, and the value of money instead?

Teaching kids how money works is as vital as earning it. This is something that, in hindsight, I wish I had spent more time on. It’s not about shielding them from the world of money; it’s about guiding them through it. Teaching them not just how to earn, but the hard facts about managing it, spending it wisely, and understanding its true value.

4) Creating balance

In my race to give my kids financial abundance, the scales of life tipped. My relentless pursuit of money left very little time for anything else. For hugs. For playful afternoons in the park. For those precious, laughter-filled moments around the dinner table.

And yet, these moments hold invaluable worth. They are the tangible expression of love, the experiences that truly nurture and build relationships, fortify bonds. No price tag can be put on the joy and warmth of shared experiences.

Now, I understand that it’s crucial to create a balance. To understand that time and love hold as much, if not more, value than an overflowing bank account. Kids are especially receptive to this harmony of love and abundance. Teaching them this balance fosters their understanding of love, not as a materialistic gain but a feeling, an experience, a shared moment.

5) Love is not measured in dollars

I wish someone had told me that love doesn’t work like a math equation. You can’t pump love into the veins of your family through a stream of dollar bills. For years, I bypassed the emotional connections, replacing them with material possessions.

Now that I look around, I see my children. Yes, they are successful, comfortable. But their eyes often miss the warmth that only affection can bring – affection expressing in fleeting moments, shared experiences, and hearty conversations.

Love can’t be bought. You gift it in every hug, every word of encouragement, every instance you put down your work to listen about their day. Regrettably, in so many concerned areas, the deep emotional affection I should have expressed was left unattended and got replaced with gifts, money, material prosperity.

The real currency of love is attention, care, understanding, and affection. The sooner we realize this, the better we can shape our children’s understanding of love and its expressions.

6) The echoes of absence

There was a project presentation. My daughter, all of eight years, was set to talk about ‘My Family’ to her classmates. She had been excited about this for weeks.

I was dealing with a critical client issue that day. I promised her that I would leave everything and be there for her presentation. But I failed to keep my promise.

When she returned home that afternoon, she told me about the applause she received, her teacher’s praise, her triumphant smile slightly dimmed. I asked her about my absence, and with a small sigh, she said, “It’s okay, Dad. I told them you were out making money so we can be happy.”

That statement stung me. What was I teaching her? That I’d sacrifice our shared moments for work? That happiness equated to money? I recognized the vulnerability of the situation, how impressionable children are, and how closely they observe us, drawing life lessons from our actions and inactions.

The realization was a wake-up call, a push to reflect upon the actions, choices and the message they are silently communicating.

7) The language of time

Looking back, I now understand that one of the most valuable currencies in the world is time. While I thought providing financially was the most significant expression of love, I overlooked the tremendously profound language of time.

Kids don’t see the world in terms of dollars and cents. They understand love in the time spent reading them a bedtime story, the afternoons dedicated to playing catch in the backyard, or the simple act of eating dinner together as a family. These moments are priceless to them.

By prioritizing work and money over these shared moments, we are inadvertently teaching our children to equate love with money. But by choosing to spend quality time with them, we can help to rewire this perception, teaching them that love is not a material possession, but an emotional and priceless connection.

8) Rewriting the script

It’s crucial to understand that it’s not too late to change the narrative. Our actions have painted a certain picture, but we hold the brush to amend that image.

Changing how young adults perceive love, stripping away the monetary equation, is a daunting task. But it is not impossible. It starts with us, with being present, with prioritizing moments over money.

Express love in small, everyday actions and affirmations, and the language of affection begins to evolve. Teach them that love, in its purest form, is not a material possession but an emotion, a gesture, an understanding.

Remember, love is not a transaction. Love is a connection that blossoms with each shared smile, with every moment of understanding, and each reaffirmation of caring. It’s this language of love we need to teach our children. And it starts today.

Ending thoughts: Retuning the language of love

The way we shape our relationships, especially with our children, often casts deeply ingrained patterns in their personalities and perspectives.

For my kids, the constant monetary showering led them to view love through the lens of material abundance. It’s a realization that stings and simultaneously opens up new avenues of understanding.

James Baldwin, a renowned writer and social critic, once said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” This simple yet powerful statement captures the essence of my journey and gives a pivotal direction to those embarking on the journey of parenthood.

Reflecting upon my choices, I acknowledge that love doesn’t come in dollar bills. It’s painted in the golden rays of shared moments, in the quiet whispers of understanding, in the shared laughter and in collective resilience.

Ultimately, it’s never too late to demonstrate that love doesn’t bear a price tag. It’s an emotion, an action, a decision we make every moment of the day. So let us retune the language of love – for ourselves and for our children. It’s a challenging task, but a rewarding journey that will shape the understanding of love for the next generation.