The surprising truth about people who struggle to accept compliments

I’ll be honest with you—I used to be terrible at accepting compliments.

Whenever someone told me I’d done a good job, I’d quickly say something like, “Oh, it wasn’t that hard,” or “I just got lucky.” I thought I was being humble, but looking back, I was actually dismissing myself.

And I know I’m not alone. Many of us struggle to receive praise gracefully. But here’s the thing: how we respond to a compliment often says a lot about what’s going on underneath the surface.

So let’s break this down.

Low self-worth makes kindness uncomfortable

Sometimes a compliment feels like it doesn’t fit, almost like someone’s describing a version of you that you don’t see. That disconnect is usually a sign of shaky self-esteem.

Psychologist Kristin Neff explains it well: “Self-esteem is unstable because it’s typically contingent. It depends on success. It’s like a fair-weather friend—it’s there for you sometimes, but it often deserts you when you need it most (in other words, when you fail)”.

If you only feel good about yourself when you’ve “earned it,” then praise can actually make you anxious. Instead of soaking it in, you second-guess it: Do they really mean that? Are they just being nice?

I’ve been there. In my twenties, I tied my worth to external achievements—grades, career milestones, even how many hours I worked. Compliments felt like fragile balloons I couldn’t hold onto. It wasn’t until I started practicing mindfulness and compassion (first toward myself) that I learned to accept positive words without immediately rejecting them.

Fear of arrogance

There’s also the fear of coming across as arrogant.

Some people deflect compliments because they don’t want to look like they’re bragging. Culturally, humility is drilled into us—it’s considered polite to downplay your strengths. But taken too far, this becomes a shield.

I’ve noticed this a lot with friends who are naturally talented. Instead of owning their skill, they shrug it off. And the irony? People don’t think they’re being humble—they just assume the compliment wasn’t deserved in the first place.

The truth is, confidence and arrogance aren’t the same thing. Accepting praise with a simple “thank you” doesn’t make you egotistical. It makes you self-aware.

When insecurity hides behind confidence

Sometimes, the loudest person in the room—the one who seems like they thrive on attention—is also the one who struggles most with compliments.

Why? Because what looks like confidence can actually be a mask. As therapist Dian Grier has said, “Narcissism is a cover for a very weak self-image. They often want attention in any form, good or bad. Although they love adoration, the worst pain for a narcissist is to not be noticed”.

I’ve seen this in business circles. People who dominate the conversation, brag, and seek constant recognition…yet when someone gives them a genuine compliment, they brush it off or twist it into another opportunity to boast. At the core, there’s fragility.

It’s not always narcissism, of course, but the principle holds: when our inner sense of worth is shaky, praise feels threatening, not nourishing.

Compliments expose vulnerability

Think about it: when someone praises you, they’re pointing a spotlight at you. For some, that spotlight feels warm. For others, it feels blinding.

Being recognized can bring up uncomfortable emotions—fear of not living up to expectations, shame about not being “good enough,” or even suspicion about the giver’s motives.

This is where Eastern philosophy has helped me. In Buddhism, there’s a teaching about non-attachment to labels—good or bad. When you detach from the idea that you are only your successes or failures, compliments become easier to receive. They’re no longer a threat to your identity, just passing observations.

Learning not to cling to every external judgment—positive or negative—is freeing. Compliments then become gifts you can accept without letting them control you.

The role of cultural conditioning

Where we grow up also plays a part.

In some cultures, modesty is highly valued, and deflecting compliments is the expected response. In others, confidently accepting praise is seen as strong and polite.

I grew up in a fairly “don’t get too big for your boots” environment. Compliment someone, and nine times out of ten they’ll minimize it. That kind of conditioning runs deep—you don’t even realize you’re doing it until someone points it out.

But here’s the reality: whether it’s cultural or personal, minimizing yourself too often can stop you from fully owning your strengths.

A lesson from Rudá Iandê

I’ve mentioned my friend Rudá Iandê’s book Laughing in the Face of Chaos before, but it’s one of those works I keep returning to.

One line from him that really sticks with me is:

“When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that’s delightfully real.”

That applies directly here. Struggling with compliments is often about perfectionism—we fear we can’t live up to the positive image others see. Rudá’s insight reminded me that real growth comes from authenticity, not perfection. And the more authentic we are, the easier it becomes to accept appreciation without needing to earn it perfectly.

How to start receiving compliments better

So what can you do if you’re someone who always dodges praise?

Start small. Next time someone says something nice, resist the urge to downplay it. Simply say, “Thank you.” Notice how it feels.

You don’t have to believe every compliment right away. But you can practice letting them land without immediate resistance. Over time, this builds a healthier relationship with yourself—and with the people around you.

Another approach I’ve found helpful is to reflect compliments back into gratitude. For example, if someone praises your work, you can say, “Thanks, I really appreciate your support.” It keeps the exchange genuine while acknowledging both sides.

Final words

Compliments aren’t just about flattery. They’re tiny windows into how others see us—sometimes in ways we can’t yet see ourselves.

If you struggle to take them in, it’s worth asking why. Is it low self-worth? Fear of arrogance? Cultural conditioning? Or simply the discomfort of being seen?

Whatever the reason, learning to accept praise is really about learning to accept yourself.

And here’s the paradox: the moment you stop fighting praise—just as the moment you stop fighting criticism—you step into a deeper kind of freedom.

Because at the end of the day, compliments don’t define you. But your ability to receive them with openness and authenticity might just reveal how at peace you are with who you really are.