People who talk to strangers easily may not be more confident than other people — they rarely developed the social hierarchy that tells most people who is and may not be worth talking to, and the absence of that hierarchy is either a gift they were given or something they quietly decided, and either way it makes them one of the rarest people available

by Lachlan Brown | May 13, 2026, 10:53 am

Ever wonder why some people can strike up a conversation with anyone while the rest of us pretend to check our phones in elevators?

Here’s what most people get wrong: we assume these social butterflies are just oozing with confidence. That they’ve got some secret sauce the rest of us missed out on.

But research tells a different story entirely.

These rare individuals who chat easily with strangers aren’t necessarily more confident than you or me. They simply never developed the mental filing system that most of us use to categorize people as “worth talking to” or “not worth talking to.”

And honestly? That might be one of the most liberating things I’ve learned about human connection.

The hierarchy we don’t realize we have

Think about the last time you were at a coffee shop or waiting in line somewhere. Did you consider starting a conversation with the person next to you?

If you’re like most people, probably not.

Holly Parker, Ph.D. notes that “Research shows that people hesitate to approach strangers because they mistakenly believe that most others don’t wish to engage.”

But here’s where it gets interesting. Those of us who hesitate aren’t just worried about rejection. We’re running an unconscious calculation about social hierarchy. Is this person “above” or “below” us? Are they someone we should be talking to?

This mental sorting happens so automatically that we don’t even notice it.

I used to do this constantly. At networking events, I’d scan the room for the “important” people. At parties, I’d gravitate toward those who seemed like they were in my social bracket. It wasn’t until I started studying mindfulness and Eastern philosophy that I realized how much this invisible hierarchy was limiting my connections.

Why some people never developed the hierarchy

Research indicates that individuals who find it easier to engage in conversations with strangers may not necessarily possess higher confidence levels; instead, they might not have developed the social hierarchies that guide most people in determining whom to approach, suggesting that their comfort in such interactions could be an inherent trait or a conscious choice, making them among the rarest individuals.

Some people grow up in environments where social status isn’t emphasized. Maybe their parents modeled treating everyone equally, from CEOs to cashiers. Or perhaps they made a conscious decision at some point to reject the whole hierarchy game.

Either way, they ended up with a superpower: the ability to see people as just… people.

The person serving your coffee has just as rich an inner life as the person running the company. Once you really get that, conversations become less about positioning and more about genuine connection.

The surprising benefits of talking to strangers

You might be thinking, “Okay, but why should I care about talking to strangers anyway?”

Fair question.

Michael Kardas, a Postdoctoral Fellow in Management and Marketing at Northwestern University, puts it simply: “People are highly social, and so connecting with others tends to be a major source of happiness in people’s lives.”

And it’s not just about small talk. Nicholas Epley, Ph.D., Professor of Behavioral Science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, found that “People benefit from deep and meaningful conversations that help us forge connections with one another.”

The kicker? We’re terrible at predicting how these interactions will go. A study found that people often avoid deep conversations with strangers due to underestimating the benefits and overestimating the potential awkwardness, suggesting that those who engage easily with strangers may not be more confident but rather less constrained by these social apprehensions.

Learning to listen instead of impress

Here’s something that completely changed how I approach conversations: Tony Moorcroft shares that “Research involving 36 participants discovered something fascinating: people enjoyed conversations more when they spoke less.”

Read that again.

People enjoyed conversations more when they spoke less.

I spent years trying to impress people with clever comments and interesting stories. Turns out, the secret to being someone people want to talk to is shutting up and actually listening.

This ties into something I’ve learned about emotional intelligence being a learnable skill, not something you’re born with. You can practice listening. You can practice being present. You can practice seeing past the social hierarchy.

Breaking down the barriers

The Guardian warns that “We are losing a basic human skill. The ability to speak to others and understand them is being compromised.”

But here’s the good news: Marisa G. Franco Ph.D. found that “Research finds talking to strangers mitigates fears of rejection and builds confidence.”

So even if you weren’t blessed with an absence of social hierarchy thinking, you can still develop it. Start small. Make eye contact with the person making your coffee. Comment on the weather to someone waiting for the same bus. Ask the person next to you on the plane what brings them to their destination.

Each interaction chips away at that invisible barrier between you and the rest of humanity.

The bigger picture

Research on social hierarchies and networks in humans suggests that individuals who navigate multiple, overlapping social networks without a clear hierarchical structure may find it easier to interact with strangers, as they are not constrained by traditional social hierarchies, making them among the rarest individuals.

Think about what that means. In a world that’s increasingly divided, these people are bridges. They can connect with the CEO and the janitor with equal ease. They can find common ground across political divides, economic brackets, and cultural differences.

Malcolm Gladwell observed that “We tend to judge people’s honesty based on their demeanour.” But when you’re not caught up in hierarchy, you’re more likely to see past the surface and connect with who someone really is.

Why this matters more than ever

Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D. shares encouraging findings: “Research indicates that the same pattern sustains: evidence from across the world indicates that people show significant levels of high-cost helpfulness or cooperation, especially when strangers are in need.”

We’re wired for connection and cooperation. The social hierarchy that keeps us from talking to strangers? That’s the aberration, not the norm.

I’ve come to believe that relationship quality is the single biggest predictor of life satisfaction. And you can’t have quality relationships if you’re only willing to connect with a tiny slice of humanity that fits your preconceived notions of who’s worth talking to.

Final words

Nicholas Epley reminds us that “People overestimate feelings of awkwardness when talking to strangers and underestimate the enjoyment of deep, meaningful conversations with those we have just met.”

Those rare people who talk easily to strangers? They’re not superhuman. They’ve just opted out of a game the rest of us don’t even realize we’re playing.

Maybe they were lucky enough to grow up without absorbing society’s obsession with status. Or maybe they made a conscious choice to see everyone as equally worthy of connection.

Either way, they’re showing us what’s possible when we stop sorting people into categories and start seeing them as fellow humans on this weird journey we’re all on together.

The beautiful thing is, you can join them anytime you want. The hierarchy only exists in our heads. And what exists in our heads can be changed.

Next time you’re out in the world, try it. Talk to someone you normally wouldn’t. Not because they’re important or unimportant, but because they’re human, just like you.

You might just find it’s one of the most radical things you can do.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown is an entrepreneur and co-founder of Brown Brothers Media, a digital publishing network reaching tens of millions of readers monthly. He holds a Graduate Diploma of Psychological Studies from Deakin University, though his real education came afterward: a warehouse job shifting TVs, a stretch of anxiety in his mid-twenties, and the slow discovery that studying the mind is not the same as learning how to live well. He started experimenting with Buddhist principles during breaks at the warehouse and eventually began writing about what he was learning. That writing became Hack Spirit, a widely read personal development site, and his book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism became a bestseller. His work breaks down complex ideas into frameworks people can apply immediately, whether they are navigating a career change, a difficult relationship, or the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Lachlan splits his time between Singapore and Saigon. He writes about high-performance routines, decision-making under pressure, digital innovation, and the intersection of Eastern philosophy with modern life. His perspective comes from having built things from scratch, failed at some of them, and learned that clarity comes from practice, not theory.