8 signs that someone is toxic to be around but they don’t realize it

by Lachlan Brown | August 9, 2025, 9:29 pm

Not everyone who causes harm in relationships sets out to do so. In fact, some of the most draining and difficult people to be around have no idea how their behavior impacts others.

They might think they’re being helpful, funny, or “just honest,” when in reality they’re leaving those around them feeling stressed, manipulated, or undervalued.

Psychology tells us that unawareness often plays a role here. These individuals may lack self-reflection, emotional intelligence, or feedback from others, so their patterns go unchecked for years.

If you’ve ever walked away from someone feeling mentally exhausted or quietly resentful, you may have experienced one or more of the signs below. Here are eight indicators that someone is toxic to be around—even if they genuinely don’t realize it.

1. They constantly make everything about themselves

One of the clearest signs of toxic behavior is the inability to let others have the spotlight. No matter what you share—good news, bad news, or a simple story—they somehow redirect the focus back to themselves.

This can sound like:

  • You mention a stressful week at work, and they immediately launch into their own (longer, more dramatic) story.

  • You share a success, and they respond with a bigger achievement of their own.

From a psychological standpoint, this is a form of conversational narcissism—not necessarily rooted in malicious intent, but in a habit of prioritizing their own perspective. Over time, it leaves others feeling unseen and undervalued.

2. They “joke” at others’ expense

Teasing can be harmless among friends—if it’s balanced and consensual. But some people repeatedly use humor as a cover for criticism or passive aggression.

They might make comments about your appearance, intelligence, or life choices and then say, “I’m just kidding—lighten up.”

Psychologists note that this is often a form of masked hostility. Because it’s delivered as humor, it’s harder to confront without seeming overly sensitive. The cumulative effect? You begin to feel on guard around them, never quite sure when the next jab will land.

3. They drain emotional energy without giving back

Healthy relationships involve give and take. But some people are chronic emotional takers—they lean heavily on others for support, yet rarely offer the same in return.

You might notice:

  • Long, draining conversations about their problems with little interest in yours.

  • Repeated crises that demand your time and energy, often with little gratitude.

  • A pattern of disappearing when you need support.

Psychology describes this as one-sided emotional labor, where one person’s needs consistently overshadow the other’s. The imbalance leaves you feeling depleted rather than connected.

4. They dominate conversations and ignore cues

Toxicity isn’t always about what’s said—it’s about what’s not heard. Some people talk over others, interrupt constantly, or ignore subtle signals that someone else wants to speak.

These individuals may think they’re being engaging or enthusiastic, but their inability to share conversational space can feel suffocating.

This behavior often stems from low social awareness—a component of emotional intelligence. Without recognizing how their behavior impacts group dynamics, they may unintentionally shut others down.

5. They always have to be right

Some people treat every discussion like a debate to be won. They correct minor details, dismiss other perspectives, and rarely admit they’re wrong.

They might think they’re being logical or “setting the record straight,” but what others experience is a lack of openness and mutual respect.

Psychologists link this to cognitive rigidity—a difficulty in tolerating uncertainty or ambiguity. While not inherently malicious, it creates an environment where conversation becomes combative instead of collaborative.

6. They give unsolicited advice (and get defensive if you don’t take it)

Offering advice can be a form of care—but when it’s constant, uninvited, or delivered with an air of superiority, it can cross into toxic territory.

Signs include:

  • Offering solutions before you’ve even finished explaining the problem.

  • Insisting their way is the only “right” way.

  • Becoming irritated or judgmental if you choose a different approach.

From a psychological perspective, this is tied to control-oriented behavior—the need to influence others’ choices to feel secure. They may genuinely believe they’re helping, but the lack of respect for autonomy can strain relationships.

7. They hold onto grudges and bring up past mistakes

Everyone gets hurt sometimes, but healthy people address issues, work through them, and move on. Toxic patterns emerge when someone continually rehashes old conflicts—often in unrelated situations.

For example:

  • Months after a disagreement, they bring it up again during an unrelated discussion.

  • They keep a mental “ledger” of your mistakes, ready to be referenced when convenient.

Psychologists call this scorekeeping, and it’s a form of emotional manipulation. Even if they don’t realize it, the underlying message is, “You owe me,” which keeps the relationship unbalanced.

8. They ignore boundaries—or treat them as personal insults

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but some people struggle to respect them. If you say you’re busy, they pressure you to change your plans. If you set limits, they react as if you’ve rejected them personally.

This often stems from low boundary awareness—not fully understanding that other people’s limits aren’t about them, but about what the other person needs to feel safe and balanced.

Over time, this erodes trust. You start anticipating pushback whenever you try to protect your time, space, or emotional energy.

Why they don’t realize it

Not all toxic behavior is intentional. Some people truly don’t see the impact of their actions because:

  1. They lack self-awareness – They’ve never reflected deeply on how they come across.

  2. They grew up in unhealthy dynamics – What feels “normal” to them might be objectively harmful.

  3. They’ve never been called out – Others may have avoided confronting them to keep the peace.

  4. They equate intent with impact – They assume that if they “mean well,” it can’t be toxic.

Psychology emphasizes that impact matters more than intent in relationships. Even well-meaning people can cause harm if they ignore feedback or fail to notice how others respond to them.

How to handle someone who’s unintentionally toxic

If you recognize these behaviors in someone you know, it doesn’t necessarily mean you need to cut them off immediately. Here are a few psychology-backed approaches:

  • Set clear boundaries – Decide what behaviors you will and won’t accept, and communicate them calmly.

  • Use “I” statements – Frame feedback around your experience (“I feel drained when…”) rather than accusing them.

  • Limit exposure if needed – Protect your mental health by reducing time spent together when patterns don’t change.

  • Look for patterns – Occasional slip-ups happen, but consistent repetition is a red flag.

If they’re open to feedback, the relationship may improve. If not, you may need to prioritize your well-being over the connection.

A final thought

Toxicity isn’t always loud, obvious, or malicious. Sometimes, it’s hidden in everyday interactions—conversations that feel more exhausting than uplifting, “jokes” that leave a sting, advice that feels like criticism.

The tricky part is that some people genuinely don’t know they’re doing it. But awareness is the first step toward change—whether that’s them learning to adjust, or you learning to protect your own energy.

If you often leave an interaction feeling smaller, unheard, or emotionally depleted, it’s worth asking: is it them, or is it the dynamic? Either way, you have the right to choose relationships that feel balanced, respectful, and healthy.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown is an entrepreneur and co-founder of Brown Brothers Media, a digital publishing network reaching tens of millions of readers monthly. He holds a Graduate Diploma of Psychological Studies from Deakin University, though his real education came afterward: a warehouse job shifting TVs, a stretch of anxiety in his mid-twenties, and the slow discovery that studying the mind is not the same as learning how to live well. He started experimenting with Buddhist principles during breaks at the warehouse and eventually began writing about what he was learning. That writing became Hack Spirit, a widely read personal development site, and his book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism became a bestseller. His work breaks down complex ideas into frameworks people can apply immediately, whether they are navigating a career change, a difficult relationship, or the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Lachlan splits his time between Singapore and Saigon. He writes about high-performance routines, decision-making under pressure, digital innovation, and the intersection of Eastern philosophy with modern life. His perspective comes from having built things from scratch, failed at some of them, and learned that clarity comes from practice, not theory.