8 things resilient people rarely waste their energy on

by Lachlan Brown | May 5, 2026, 9:48 am

Life has a way of throwing curveballs when you least expect them. Plans crumble, jobs disappear, relationships shift, and sometimes it feels like the ground itself is moving beneath your feet.

Some people collapse under the weight of these changes, while others seem to find strength in the storm. What makes the difference?

It’s not luck. And it’s not that resilient people have fewer problems. The real secret is this: they don’t burn energy on things that drag them down. They know energy is limited, and they guard it fiercely.

Here are eight things they refuse to waste it on—insights grounded in psychology, but also in the messy, lived reality we all share.

1. Trying to control the uncontrollable

Have you ever found yourself obsessing over something you had absolutely no power to change? Maybe you’ve sat fuming in traffic, or replayed someone else’s decision in your head, wishing you could rewrite it.

That’s the trap of external locus of control—putting your focus on things outside your influence. Research shows it leads to higher stress, lower motivation, and a feeling of helplessness.

Resilient people flip the script. They adopt an internal locus of control, focusing on what they can actually shift: their habits, choices, and responses.

Think of it this way: if life is a storm, you can’t stop the rain, but you can choose whether you bring an umbrella.

2. Holding grudges

Holding on to resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It doesn’t work. It just corrodes you from the inside.

Studies on forgiveness show that people who let go of grudges enjoy better mental health, lower blood pressure, and even stronger immune systems. The science is clear—resentment is heavy. Forgiveness lightens the load.

But here’s the nuance: forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing bad behavior. Resilient people understand this distinction. They don’t deny what happened—they process it, set boundaries if needed, and then let it go.

It’s not about the other person. It’s about not wasting your emotional energy on bitterness that only punishes you.

3. Chasing perfection

Let’s be real: perfection is an illusion. No matter how polished your work, how carefully you plan, or how hard you try, something will always be “not quite right.”

Psychology backs this up. Research links perfectionism to anxiety, burnout, depression, and even physical issues like chronic stress. Striving for excellence can be motivating, but chasing flawlessness is a recipe for exhaustion.

Resilient people embrace imperfection. They know mistakes aren’t proof of failure—they’re part of growth.

When I read Rudá Iandê’s book Laughing in the Face of Chaos, one line stood out: “When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that’s delightfully real.”

That hit me hard. I realized resilience isn’t about “doing it right” every time—it’s about showing up, flaws and all.

4. Overexplaining themselves

Ever spent an hour trying to justify a decision to someone who wasn’t going to understand no matter what you said?

That’s wasted energy. Resilient people know that not everyone is owed an explanation—and not everyone will accept one even if you give it.

Psychologists call this confirmation bias: people see what they want to see. If someone is determined to misunderstand you, no amount of logic or detail will change their mind.

Instead of overexplaining, resilient people stand firm in their choices. They communicate clearly when necessary, but they don’t drain themselves trying to manage other people’s perceptions.

Because here’s the truth: you can spend your life defending yourself, or you can live it.

5. Pleasing everyone

People-pleasing might feel safe—it keeps the peace, avoids conflict, and wins approval. But psychology tells us it comes at a steep cost: higher stress, lower self-worth, and a constant fear of rejection.

Resilient people step off that treadmill. They’ve accepted a hard truth: no matter what you do, someone won’t like it.

Rudá Iandê says it best: “Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.”

That quote is liberating. The moment you stop contorting yourself to make everyone else comfortable, you gain back the energy to live authentically. And that’s what resilience is—choosing self-respect over constant approval.

6. Dwelling on mistakes

I’ve been there—lying awake at night replaying an awkward comment, a botched presentation, or a missed opportunity. But you know what I realized? The only person suffering was me.

Psychologists call this rumination: looping over mistakes in your head. Research shows it fuels anxiety and depression.

Resilient people take a different approach. They adopt what Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset. Mistakes aren’t proof of inadequacy—they’re evidence of learning.

So instead of endlessly replaying what went wrong, resilient people pause, extract the lesson, and carry it forward.

It’s not about pretending the mistake never happened. It’s about refusing to hand it more power than it deserves.

7. Comparing themselves to others

Open social media and you’ll see a highlight reel of other people’s lives—vacations, promotions, relationships that look perfect from the outside.

It’s almost impossible not to compare yourself. But here’s the catch: psychologists have found that upward comparison (measuring yourself against those who seem “better off”) is linked to envy, depression, and dissatisfaction.

Resilient people sidestep this trap by shifting the frame. Instead of asking, “Am I as successful as them?” they ask, “Am I growing compared to my past self?”

That mindset shift is powerful. It turns comparison into motivation rather than poison.

And when you focus inward, progress becomes clearer. Suddenly it’s not about matching someone else’s pace—it’s about running your own race.

8. Fighting their own emotions

Many of us waste a shocking amount of energy resisting our feelings. We label them as “bad”—fear, anger, sadness—and do whatever we can to push them away.

But psychology shows that emotional suppression backfires. What you resist, persists. Resisting sadness often prolongs it. Avoiding fear often makes it stronger.

Resilient people take a different route: they treat emotions as messengers. Instead of fighting them, they ask, “What’s this feeling trying to tell me?”

Fear might be pointing toward growth. Anger could be highlighting a boundary crossed. Sadness might be signaling a need for rest or reflection.

Mindfulness has helped me here. Once I started listening to my emotions rather than battling them, I realized they weren’t enemies—they were guides.

Or as Rudá puts it: “Our emotions are not barriers, but profound gateways to the soul—portals to the vast, uncharted landscapes of our inner being.”

Final words

Resilience isn’t about being unbreakable. It’s about where you choose to put your energy.

When you stop trying to control the uncontrollable, release grudges, drop perfectionism, and let go of people-pleasing, you free up enormous reserves of strength.

When you stop comparing yourself and learn to sit with your emotions, you find peace where others find exhaustion.

That’s the heart of resilience—conserving energy for what truly matters: growth, connection, and living authentically.

I’ve mentioned my friend Rudá Iandê’s Laughing in the Face of Chaos before, but it’s worth repeating. His insights on embracing imperfection, listening to your emotions, and living authentically have been game-changers for me.

One line of his still echoes in my mind: “The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to each other is the gift of our own wholeness, the gift of our own radiant, unbridled humanity.”

That’s resilience in action—not wasting energy on what drains you, but investing it in what makes you fully, vibrantly alive.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown is an entrepreneur and co-founder of Brown Brothers Media, a digital publishing network reaching tens of millions of readers monthly. He holds a Graduate Diploma of Psychological Studies from Deakin University, though his real education came afterward: a warehouse job shifting TVs, a stretch of anxiety in his mid-twenties, and the slow discovery that studying the mind is not the same as learning how to live well. He started experimenting with Buddhist principles during breaks at the warehouse and eventually began writing about what he was learning. That writing became Hack Spirit, a widely read personal development site, and his book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism became a bestseller. His work breaks down complex ideas into frameworks people can apply immediately, whether they are navigating a career change, a difficult relationship, or the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Lachlan splits his time between Singapore and Saigon. He writes about high-performance routines, decision-making under pressure, digital innovation, and the intersection of Eastern philosophy with modern life. His perspective comes from having built things from scratch, failed at some of them, and learned that clarity comes from practice, not theory.