Most people don't realize the most damaging thing a parent can say isn't an insult — it's 'you're remembering it wrong' or 'that never happened,' which teaches children to distrust their own perception of reality

There’s a common misconception that the harshest words a parent can utter are insults. However, most don’t realize these particular phrases – ‘you’re remembering it wrong’ or ‘that never happened’ – carry more weight than we realize. They subtly teach children to doubt their own memory, and by extension, their perception of reality.

Let’s be clear, this isn’t about deliberate manipulation but more often a misguided attempt to smooth over uncomfortable truths.

But here’s why these phrases could be the most damaging things a parent can say, even if they don’t mean any harm by them.

1) The undermining of memory

Often, when parents say ‘you’re remembering it wrong’ or ‘that never happened,’ it’s not meant to be harmful. It is usually a way to avoid difficult conversations or disputes. However, when this happens more frequently, the unintended damage can be profound.

You see, our memory isn’t just an archive of past events. It plays a crucial role in our sense of self, giving us confidence in our continuity, coherence, and agency.

But when one’s memory is consistently devalued, dismissed, or denied, a child could start doubting their ability to remember events accurately. This can erode their trust in their own perception of reality.

Point is, it’s soon not just about a single memory anymore, but about how the child perceives themselves and their ability to trust their judgement. This feeling of self-doubt could snowball into larger issues of self-esteem and identity.

Hence, rather than dismissing their remembrances, it would be more beneficial to engage in open dialogues about the said events. This promotes effective communication and reaffirms their trust in their perceptions.

2) The ripple effect of doubt

This takes me back to my own childhood. I remember this one time when I was about eight, I mentioned a family trip to the amusement park. The way I remembered it, we had a great time filled with laughter, adrenaline-inducing rides, and lots of cotton candy.

However, my parents quickly dismissed it and said that we never went to any amusement park, attributing it to my overactive imagination.

Initially, I shrugged it off, but as similar incidents continued, I began to doubt not just my memory, but my ability to perceive the world accurately.

This wave of self-doubt didn’t stop at my memories; it extended to my judgement and decision-making capabilities as well. I found myself constantly second-guessing my choices, fearing that I was wrong or had misinterpreted something.

The journey of working through this self-doubt and regaining trust in my own perception was a long and arduous one, a struggle I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Hence, it’s crucial that we communicate effectively and respectfully with our children, reaffirming rather than dismissing their experiences and perceptions.

3) Gaslighting and its insidious impacts

This brings us to a form of psychological manipulation known as gaslighting. The term itself finds its origin in a 1938 play, “Gas Light”, where the villain consistently deceives his wife into believing that she’s imagining things, causing her to question her sanity.

When parents tell their children that they are remembering something wrong or that it never happened, even with the best of intentions, they can unintentionally be gaslighting them.

Gaslighting can cause severe psychological distress. It often leaves victims feeling anxious, depressed, and can lead to the development of trust issues, even in adulthood. It’s an adverse effect that far outstrips the initial intention of avoiding difficult conversations or disputes.

In this regard, it’s crucial that we are mindful of the lasting impact of our words and approach such situations with sensitivity and respect.

4) The disruption of emotional development

Moreover, when children are taught to distrust their memories or perceptions, it can hinder their emotional development. Emotions are tied closely to our experiences, and our memory of these experiences validates those emotions.

For instance, if a child remembered being scared at a particular event, but the parent insists it didn’t happen or wasn’t as traumatic as the child recalls, the child might start questioning their emotions as well. Was I really scared, or did I imagine that too?

Dismissing a child’s memories not only invalidates their experiences but also their emotional responses to those experiences. This can prevent children from understanding and managing their emotions effectively, a crucial part of their emotional development.

Thus, engaging in conversations to understand their feelings, rather than negating their experiences, can aid children’s emotional development and ensure they grow into emotionally intelligent adults.

5) The erosion of trust

Trust forms the bedrock of parent-child relationships. It is within this trusting relationship that a child learns about the world around them, tests boundaries, and learns to make decisions. But when parents dismiss their child’s memory or experiences, this trust can begin to erode.

Imagine being in the shoes of that child. You share a vivid memory or an experience with your parent, expecting them to listen, understand or perhaps even share in the nostalgia. Instead, they just brush it off, saying you didn’t remember it right or it never happened. That kind of dismissal, especially when it’s consistent, can feel like a betrayal.

This erosion of trust can come with severe consequences. It can make the child feel disconnected from their parents and less likely to confide in them in the future. It can also impact their future relationships as they might live with the constant fear of being dismissed or not believed.

Remember, every interaction we have with our children is an opportunity to show them that they are loved, respected, and heard. Let’s use these moments wisely.

6) Side effects of self-censorship

Reflecting on my childhood memories, I often found myself omitting details or even changing parts of the story before sharing them with my parents. It was a defense mechanism to avoid the pained feeling of my experiences getting denied or dismissed.

Simultaneously, despite having close friends I could confide in, I often held back, afraid they too would dismiss my recollections like my parents. This sense of isolation was overwhelming at times, making me feel trapped in my own experiences, unable to reach out for empathy or help.

Silencing oneself can be a common response for children who’ve been told too many times that their memory is flawed. However, this self-censorship only compounds the feeling of loneliness and can prevent them from developing strong, meaningful relationships in their lives.

In the end, it’s not just about the memories or experiences, it’s about the person. When we deny their experiences, we’re indirectly telling them that their perspective is invalid. And that can be quite damaging. We must strive to foster an environment where everyone’s perspective is valued and respected.

7) The need for validation

Validation is a fundamental human need. We all yearn to be understood, acknowledged, and accepted. This need is all the more pronounced during childhood, a stage when we’re trying to make sense of ourselves and the world around us.

When children share their memories, they’re essentially seeking validation for their experiences and emotions. Yet, when their accounts are frequently shrugged off as incorrect recollections, it sends a message that their experiences are not valid.

The absence of validation can lead to feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and a long-lasting impact on their self-esteem, which could extend into their adulthood.

While each of us has our unique perception of events, dismissing a child’s point of view purely because it differs from ours is not a conducive approach. It’s important to make space for varying memories and perspectives, affirming their experiences and feelings, thereby nurturing their sense of self-worth.

8) Embracing active listening

Perhaps the most significant takeaway here lies in almost every relationship’s fundamental premise – communication. More specifically, the importance of active listening.

Rather than dismissing or correcting your child’s recollections, take a moment to truly listen to their stories, their experiences, their points of view. Show genuine interest and provide thoughtful responses, prompting them to share more and go deeper into their thoughts.

Active listening fosters an environment of respect and validation for them. It also opens up the room for clarification, ensuring that their memories aren’t lost or diluted.

Remember, your child’s reality is pieced together by their memories. Encroaching upon this personal space can be detrimental to their cognitive and emotional development. So, let’s build bridges, not walls, through open, constructive conversations.

A fundamental shift in perspective

Peeling away the layers of this issue, it becomes glaringly evident just how profound an impact dismissive language can have on our children.

However, it’s not just about the children. It’s as much about us, the parents. It’s a call for self-awareness, a nudge to look within, evaluate our communication patterns, and rectify any inadvertent harm.

It’s important to understand that when our children share their memories, they aren’t just narrating events. They are offering us glimpses into their world, their emotions, their growth. And as parents, our role goes beyond mere spectators. We are their guides, their pillars, their mirrors.

When we discredit their memories, we shake their confidence, their reality. However, when we validate their experiences, when we listen with empathy, we help nurture their self-esteem, their trust, their resilience.

American writer and psychoanalyst Clarissa Pinkola Estés once said, “When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.”

In essence, we’re not here to confine our children within the harbor of our reality. We’re here to prepare them to navigate the vast, tumultuous sea of life with confidence and conviction grounded in their own experiences.

So, let’s alter our vocabulary, change our attitude and listen – not just to respond, but to understand, to learn, to guide. Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say to another person is, “I believe you”.