7 signs you’re in a conversation with a really selfish person, according to psychology

Selfishness in conversation isn’t always obvious. Rarely will someone come right out and say, “I’m only here to talk about myself.” Instead, selfishness tends to leak through in subtle ways—how they respond, where they steer the conversation, and how they make you feel after you’ve talked with them.

From a psychological perspective, selfishness in conversation is tied to egocentrism (the tendency to focus on one’s own perspective) and low empathy (difficulty recognising or valuing the emotions of others). People high in these traits often see dialogue not as an exchange, but as an opportunity to satisfy their own needs—whether that’s attention, validation, or control.

Here are seven clear signs you might be dealing with one.

1. They keep redirecting the conversation back to themselves

One of the most telling signs of a selfish conversationalist is the inability to let the focus stay on you.

You might mention your new project at work, and within seconds, they’re talking about their bigger, more impressive project. Or you open up about a problem, and they launch into how they dealt with something “so much harder” years ago.

Psychology explains this through the concept of narcissistic conversational dominance—the tendency to monopolise dialogue to reinforce one’s own importance. People who do this may not consciously mean harm, but they see your story primarily as a springboard for theirs.

A healthy conversational exchange involves turn-taking—allowing both parties to share, ask, and respond. If someone consistently hijacks your turn, it’s less a dialogue and more a monologue with occasional interruptions from you.

How it feels: You walk away feeling like you were just a background character in their movie.

2. They rarely ask genuine follow-up questions

Genuine curiosity is one of the simplest indicators of empathy. When someone cares about you, they naturally ask questions—“How did that feel?” or “What happened next?”—because they want to understand your experience.

Selfish people often skip this step. They might nod briefly or give a short, generic comment before shifting the focus.

In psychological terms, this reflects low empathic engagement—a lack of investment in another person’s inner world. Without follow-up questions, a conversation becomes shallow and transactional.

The subtle giveaway: Even when they do ask a question, it’s often a setup for them to re-enter the spotlight. For example:

“That’s interesting—did I tell you about the time I…”

3. They use competitive one-upmanship

There’s nothing wrong with sharing your own experience when someone tells a story—it can build connection and rapport. But selfish conversationalists take it further.

If you ran 5 km, they ran 10. If you had a tough week, theirs was a nightmare. If you saw a good movie, they’ve already seen it twice and met the director.

This comes from social comparison theory, which says humans naturally compare themselves to others to evaluate their own standing. In selfish people, this comparison becomes compulsive and competitive. Instead of seeking connection, they seek superiority.

It’s exhausting because you can never simply share something without it being evaluated, matched, or beaten. Over time, it teaches you to share less—because you know it’ll only spark a contest.

4. They ignore or minimise your emotional cues

When you express happiness, sadness, frustration, or excitement, a balanced conversational partner responds in a way that matches or validates your feelings.

Selfish people often don’t. They might gloss over your excitement with a flat “That’s nice.” Or they might downplay your frustration with “It’s not that bad” or “You’re overthinking it.”

Psychologically, this ties to low emotional attunement—the inability (or unwillingness) to pick up on and respond to another person’s emotional state. People high in selfishness often prioritise their own emotional needs over yours, so unless your feelings benefit them in some way, they’re dismissed.

Why it matters: Emotional validation is a key component of trust and intimacy. Without it, conversations feel empty, and relationships feel one-sided.

5. They turn every problem into your fault—or someone else’s

When a conversation shifts to challenges or mistakes, selfish people tend to deflect responsibility.

From a psychological standpoint, this reflects external locus of control—a belief that outcomes are determined entirely by external forces, never one’s own actions. Combined with a self-serving bias, it leads to blaming others for anything negative while taking full credit for anything positive.

In conversation, this shows up as:

• Rewriting events so they look blameless

• Shifting blame to you or someone who isn’t present

• Refusing to acknowledge their role in a problem

Not only is this frustrating, but it also creates a power imbalance—because if you try to address an issue with them, the conversation inevitably ends with you defending yourself.

6. They rarely (if ever) express gratitude

Conversations aren’t just for exchanging information—they’re also opportunities to acknowledge and appreciate each other. Gratitude is a basic social glue.

Selfish conversationalists often skip it. If you help them, they might accept it as if it’s their due. If you compliment them, they might deflect or ignore it.

This behaviour is linked to entitlement schema—a belief that one inherently deserves more attention, effort, or resources than others. In their worldview, your kindness is not something to be recognised—it’s simply the natural order of things.

Over time, the absence of gratitude makes you feel unseen and undervalued, eroding the goodwill that healthy relationships rely on.

7. You leave the conversation feeling drained, not energised

One of the most telling signs isn’t in what they say, but in how you feel afterward.

Conversations with balanced, empathetic people often leave you feeling understood, supported, or at least neutral. With selfish people, you might leave feeling depleted—like you’ve given more than you received.

Psychologists sometimes call this the emotional labour gap—when one person consistently invests more emotional energy than the other. Over time, this imbalance leads to conversational burnout. You might start dreading interactions, finding excuses to avoid them, or limiting your responses to the bare minimum.

The simplest litmus test: After talking to them, do you feel lighter or heavier? Your body often notices selfishness before your mind does.

Why selfishness in conversation is so damaging

Selfish conversation isn’t just annoying—it has deeper psychological effects. Over time, interacting with someone who consistently centres themselves can:

• Lower your self-esteem (because your experiences are constantly overshadowed or minimised)

• Reduce trust (because you learn they won’t handle your feelings with care)

• Increase stress (because every interaction feels like a battle for airtime)

It’s also a subtle form of social invalidation—sending the message that your thoughts, feelings, and experiences matter less.

How to handle a selfish conversationalist

While you can’t force someone to change their conversational habits, you can control how you respond. Psychology suggests a few strategies:

1. Set boundaries early – If they interrupt or redirect too often, calmly steer the conversation back:

   “I’d like to finish what I was saying before we move on.”

2. Use reflective listening – Paraphrase their words before responding with your own point. This models healthy turn-taking and subtly reminds them of conversational balance.

3. Limit emotional investment – If they never reciprocate, avoid sharing your most vulnerable feelings with them. Protect your energy.

4. Seek more balanced connections – Make sure you have other relationships where conversation feels mutual and energising.

The bottom line

Selfishness in conversation isn’t always dramatic—it often hides in small behaviours: the lack of curiosity, the constant redirecting, the absence of emotional validation.

From a psychological perspective, these patterns stem from low empathy, high egocentrism, and an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. They might not always be intentional, but they have real consequences: making you feel unseen, unheard, and undervalued.

Recognising these signs doesn’t mean you have to cut the person out of your life immediately. But it does mean you can approach the interaction with clearer eyes, stronger boundaries, and a better sense of how to protect your own emotional wellbeing.