I used to be shy and hated small talk—this 3-step method fixed it

For much of my life, I dreaded small talk.

I would go to parties and hover near the snack table, silently praying that someone would come up and say something interesting. In professional settings, I felt awkward and stiff, like everyone else had received a secret manual on how to make easy conversation.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to connect with people—I just felt drained by surface-level chatter. I longed for depth but didn’t know how to get there. And if you’re naturally shy, you probably know the feeling: your mind races, your heart beats faster, and you second-guess every word before it leaves your mouth.

But here’s the good news: I eventually found a way out.

Through trial and error, reflection, and a bit of psychology, I developed a simple 3-step method that completely transformed how I approach conversations. Today, I genuinely enjoy talking to strangers. I’ve built meaningful friendships and business relationships, and I no longer feel that tightness in my chest when someone says, “So, what do you do?”

Let me walk you through the process.

Step 1: Shift your mindset—from performance to presence

The first breakthrough came when I realized that I was treating small talk like a test.

I thought every conversation was a chance to prove something—my intelligence, my wit, my worthiness of attention. And when you view interaction this way, it’s no wonder you feel paralyzed. You become self-conscious, constantly scanning yourself: Am I interesting enough? Did that sound dumb? Are they bored?

Here’s the truth that changed everything for me: small talk is not about performance, it’s about presence.

When psychologists study connection, one thing becomes clear: people don’t remember your perfect one-liners, they remember how you made them feel. Did you make them feel heard? Did you create a moment of warmth?

So instead of asking, “How can I impress them?” I started asking, “How can I be curious about them?”

This single mental shift took so much pressure off. I didn’t need to be dazzling. I just needed to be genuinely present.

In Buddhism, this is called “mindful attention.” When you bring your full awareness to the present moment, you dissolve anxiety about the future and regret about the past. You just are.

Practical exercise:

• Before entering a social situation, pause. Take one deep breath and silently say to yourself: I don’t need to perform. I just need to be present.

• In the conversation, focus on the other person’s words, tone, and body language—like you’re tuning into a frequency.

You’ll be amazed at how much lighter small talk feels when it’s not a performance but an opportunity to share presence.

Step 2: Master the “curiosity ladder”

Once I stopped performing, I needed a way to guide conversations without forcing them. That’s when I discovered what I call the curiosity ladder.

Here’s how it works:

1. Start with the surface. These are simple, low-stakes questions: “How’s your day going?” “What brings you here?” “How do you know the host?”

   At this stage, you’re simply opening the door. Don’t expect deep insights—just establish comfort.

2. Climb one rung at a time. Listen carefully to their answer and pick one detail to explore. If someone says, “I’m in marketing,” don’t just nod. Ask: “What do you enjoy most about it?” or “How did you get into that field?”

3. Look for meaning. With every answer, you’re searching for a layer of depth. People light up when they talk about things that matter to them—whether it’s their passions, values, or struggles.

Here’s an example:

• Them: “I’ve been busy at work lately.”

• You: “Oh yeah? What kind of projects are you working on?”

• Them: “I’m managing a new campaign.”

• You: “That sounds exciting. What part of it challenges you the most?”

Notice how each step moves from surface → detail → meaning.

When I started practicing this, conversations that used to stall after two minutes suddenly flowed for half an hour. Why? Because people love being invited to share more of themselves.

Psychologists call this the “liking gap”—the tendency to underestimate how much others enjoy talking to us. When you show genuine curiosity, people feel valued.

Practical exercise:

• Next time you talk to someone, aim to ask three follow-up questions about one detail they mention.

• Imagine each answer is a rung of the ladder, and your role is simply to climb one step higher into meaning.

Step 3: Learn the art of self-disclosure (without oversharing)

The last step—and the one that took me the longest to master—is balancing curiosity with vulnerability.

You see, when I first started practicing the curiosity ladder, I became too focused on the other person. I asked questions like an interviewer. It kept the conversation flowing, but it sometimes felt one-sided.

The magic happens when you sprinkle in pieces of your story, too.

Psychologist Arthur Aron’s famous “36 questions to fall in love” study showed that gradual self-disclosure—sharing personal but appropriate details—creates closeness faster than any other conversational technique.

The key is reciprocity. When someone shares something, you respond with something at a similar depth.

For example:

• Them: “I’m nervous about giving a big presentation next week.”

• You: “I get that. I used to get sweaty palms before speaking in public. What helped me was practicing in front of just one friend first.”

Now it’s a dialogue, not an interrogation.

When you reveal a little vulnerability—an insecurity, a quirky habit, a personal challenge—you signal trust. And trust is the glue of connection.

Practical exercise:

• Prepare 2–3 personal stories you can share in casual settings. They should be light, relatable, and reveal something about you (like a travel mishap, a childhood memory, or a funny mistake at work).

• Practice matching disclosure: when someone shares a personal detail, respond with one of similar weight.

This turns small talk into real talk.

Putting it all together

Let me show you how these three steps work in action.

Imagine you’re at a networking event. Someone asks, “What do you do?”

Old me would panic, mutter a generic answer, and then search for the nearest exit.

New me follows the 3-step method:

1. Mindset: I remind myself, This isn’t a test. Just be curious.

2. Curiosity ladder: I answer briefly (“I run a digital media company”) and then turn it around: “How about you—what do you do?” When they answer, I climb the ladder: “What do you enjoy most about that?”

3. Self-disclosure: If they say, “It’s stressful sometimes,” I might share, “I can relate. When I first started my business, I couldn’t sleep before big client meetings. Do you have ways you manage the stress?”

What used to be an awkward exchange becomes an engaging dialogue. Both people feel seen, heard, and connected.

Why this works (psychology + mindfulness)

Let’s zoom out.

This method works because it taps into two powerful forces:

1. Psychological principles of connection – presence reduces anxiety, curiosity fosters meaning, and self-disclosure builds trust.

2. Mindfulness practice – by shifting from performance to presence, you naturally dissolve the inner critic that sabotages social interaction.

When I applied this method consistently, something profound happened: I stopped hating small talk. In fact, I started appreciating it as a doorway. Small talk isn’t the enemy—it’s simply the entry point to deeper connection.

A personal reflection

I wish I could tell you this transformation happened overnight. It didn’t. It took months of practice, awkward moments, and trial and error.

But I can say this with certainty: if a shy, small-talk-avoiding guy like me can learn to love conversation, so can you.

Every time I connect with someone new—whether it’s a taxi driver in Saigon, a fellow entrepreneur in Singapore, or a stranger at a café—I’m reminded that humans crave connection more than perfection.

And you don’t need to be smooth, witty, or brilliant. You just need to be present, curious, and willing to share a little of yourself.

That’s the 3-step method. That’s what fixed it for me.

Final thoughts

If you’re shy or hate small talk, try this:

1. Shift your mindset – stop performing, start being present.

2. Climb the curiosity ladder – move from surface to detail to meaning.

3. Balance curiosity with self-disclosure – share appropriately, invite trust.

The next time you’re at a party, a networking event, or even chatting with a neighbor, put these steps into practice.

I think you’ll be surprised—like I was—that the conversations you once dreaded can become the most rewarding moments of your day.